Friday 30 December 2016

Generic list post: December 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when ya host let Ireland down. FYI, Pain In Da Ass was a-ok with me - The Return Of The Diaz Brothers is a boricua-rap classic which woulda been unthinkable without him, and it can't be a coincidence that Jay-Z fell off after his albums stopped featuring Wayne Da Pain.

G. Dep - Blak N*gga (1996/2016)
Mac Blast - 5 Mins Of Funk (2009)
Madlib & MF DOOM - Avanlache (2011/2016)
Mike $aatchi - Marty McFly (2016)
70th Street Carlos - When I Was Little (2016)
WNC Whop Bezzy - Consequences (2016)
Maleek Berry - Kontrol (2016)
Kwamz & Flava ft. Tion Wayne - Calling (2016)
Shatta Wale - Kakai (2016)

Other notables: Camp Lo's legit hitherto-unheard Suga Streets really should have been the B-side to Piece Of The Action in 1996 before Ski expanded his production palette and went full-on Coffy Is The Technicolor nostaljack for Uptown Saturday Night; Nef The Pharaoh's Mistletoe is way better than a song produced by Ryan Hemsworthless has any right to be, but it's still a mere Christmas throwaway; I prefer SOB & RBE's Lane Changing more than either of their big singles, but they've yet to make a song that I'd pay 99p for/go to the trouble of rippin' the audio to MP3; I dunno WTF is goin' on in Gunplay's head to make him think that Bible On The Dash Part 2 should sound like a Chinese Jordan Kevin Gates?!

Wednesday 28 December 2016

Make 'em say UGHH

First thought upon hearing the news that Madam "Quest" Walder is closing down the UGHH store in Boston + in its entirely: that store + website still exist?

Second thought: is this karma for the UGHH webstore using RealAudio snippets back in the day and/or the forum spawning 4 eLeMeNtZ survivalist retards like Jaz, AC Tha Program Director, and Wicked22?

Third thought: ain't gonna lie, I did cop a record from the webstore in 2003 - the 7" of Anti-Matter by King Geedorah & Mr. Fantastik. Best DOOM song which ain't on Operation Doomsday, IMHO.

Third thought: Walder still owes me a cheque for my chronicle of the Filipino Frank vs. Immortal Technique beef which spiraled from the UGHH forum to the Fat Beats NYC store.

Fourth thought: my own personal favourite UGHH forum moment was when that Je$$ $antana lass who pretended to be Paul Castellano's granddaughter got exposed as the obese daughter of a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator from Rockville, Maryland.

Fifth thought: quick, someone find the thread where Chuck Wilson from Babygrande Records got busted sock-puppeting his own releases under the alias of JEDI MIND TRICKS FAN before Walder vapourises the forums.

Sixth thought: at least that's one less message board Gentle Jones can spam with his terrible music in 2017.

Tuesday 27 December 2016

Mr. Bang Bang Out

70th Street Carlos' debut mixtape didn't live up to expectations, so ya host condensed it down to the essentials, added the tracks which should have been included, and ended up with the best EP of 2016. All six songs are produced by Trel Itz A Hit which means Triggaman samples over Louisiana tubas, steel drum Soulja-Rap, beserker Brass Construction breakbeats, and Mardi Gras murder-core. Doz dat pay attention will already know most of these songs, so share this playlist with doz squares dat slept.

Swear down this is the last WNC post I'll make in 2016.

Monday 26 December 2016

Tevas Scared (Slight Return)

"Bitch, there's consequences if you touch me
Bitch, there's consequences if you love me"

Whop Whop Bezzy - Consequences
(From G.R.E.G mixtape; 2016)

Still contend that Consequences wasn't as good as its teaser video suggested, but I suppose there's no shame in not living up to the best in-studio snippet video of 2016. In a cruel and senseless year, be thankful that the universe gently nudged Whop & Carlos into the arms of their soulmate producer.

Where's the GQ article about Whop wearin' Adidas kicks & Tevas sandals at the Same Damn Time in the Consequences video, though? Four Pins died for your tardiness, not mine.

Bitch, there's consequences for breakin' Brand Harmony protocol.

Thursday 22 December 2016

I sit alone in my 4 cornered barn starin' at cows

From the heartlands of rural England to trendy Shorditch circa the late noughties to Houston's motherf*ckin' 5th Ward: it's the classique Barbour quilted Powell jacket.

When country-rap goes country-gent. Damn it feels good to be a farmer.

Wednesday 21 December 2016

Late pass!

Maleek Berry - Kontrol
(From Last Daze of Summer EP; 2016)

As discovered via Drake's best of 2016 mix, a damn anthem. U.K Afrobeats being better than Real Deal Holyfiend motherlands Afrobeats this year is probably God's way of apologising for U.K Rap being the worst genre of all time.

... Just jokin' like Malphurs; American Reggae is forever the W.O.A.T genre innit?

Tuesday 20 December 2016

It was the moment I feared

"To all you artists out there who don't wanna record songs where the producer's all up on that shit with a feature credit...all up on the artwork photoshopped.... don't work with Ryan Hemsworth!"

Don't even front like Mistletoe is one of the canonical Nef The Pharaoh loosies à la No Masturbation - shit is a pure throwaway that's good for a handful of listens tops. Fair play, though, because it's better than Nef's official new single with Sleazy G, and it's a Helluva lot more fun than an Xmas song produced by some cloud-rap also-ran from The Wavery has any right to be. Christmas really 'tis the luckiest season.

Ryan Hemsworthless finally being involved in a half-decent song after all these years gotta be the rap equivalent of the infinite monkey theorem.

Monday 19 December 2016

Generic list post: Martorialist playlists of 2016

Can I jump back and kiss myself one last time in 2016? Here's all the playlists ya host put together or kept rollin' this year in one handy post. Make the most of them now before the inevitable Audiomack implosion melts 'em all into the cachemosphere.

AZ - Deep Cuts
Jackie Chain - The Best of Mr. V.I.P
Kap G - The Best of Kap G
Grand Puba - Deep Cuts
G. Dep - The Best of G. Dep
Fam-Lay - The Best of Fam-Lay
Akinyele - Deep Cuts
A-Mafia - The Best of A-Mafia
70th Street Carlos - Mr. Bang Bang Out EP
Various Artists - Rap Songs That Aren't On YouTube
Spice - The Best of Spice 2014 - 2016

Bad-Cop just uploaded a zipfile of the CDQ MP3 of How and 3 other unreleased pre-Bad Boy G. Dep tracks from 1996. I replaced the mixed version of How in my Best of The Deputy playlist with the CDQ version and also added Blak N*gga and Automatic from the zipfile. Throw ya hands in the freakin' air and keep 'em there.

Saturday 17 December 2016

Martorial elegance # 89

Wanna rock an Xmas sweater to the pub but don't fancy gettin' ostracized by your famalam for lookin' like a Charlie Chester? Never fear because Kap LaGerfeld just got seasonal on datarzz and dropped a Girlfriend Christmas knit that your whole bloodline can wear. Call him Hedi, he's the slim mane.

Still waitin' on the the English-launguage remix of J. Balvin's Reggaeton hit Safari which Kap was teasin' on Instagram with Pharrell a while back. Keys opened doors for them twin brothers who only ever sounded good drippin' nonchalance over Neptunes beats to hop on a Justin Timberlake single, and being Lil' Skateboard P's Latino-rapper mate has unlocked a whole 'nother world of opportunity for the College Park Mexican.

Y'know what song Kap G really needs to jack, though? Gato by No Panty. How's Ray Barretto's El Watusi gotten the tumbleweed & cow dung treatment from rap producers until now when the song was featured in that ol' hip hop touchstone Carlito's Way?

Thursday 15 December 2016

And my mothaf*ckin' circle smaller than Son Doobie's todger!

You're f*ckin' right I know Lil' Ken and he reckons WNC Carlos has settled on 70th Street as his prefix. You f*ckin' right Carlos' rapping & Trel Itz A Hit's production are one of 2016's most potent new combinations. F*ckin' right Keep A Glock is like a drunken beserker-Bounce version of Webbie's most savage song. F*ckin' right this is just a generic Baton Rouge rap video with teenagers wavin' guns around in someone's garden, but if it stops t'internet sleepin' on the song then it's served a purpose.

70th Street Carlos - Keep A Glock
(From YouTube; 2016)

You're f*ckin' right this new Carlos & Trel song is equally as savage. Hell yeah, WNC got joints - you're f*ckin' right. Ask that blogga Mike, he just heard Cross Me for the first time last night.

70th Street Carlos - When I Was Little
(From t'internet; 2016)

F*ckin' right I put together a best of Carlos EP. F*ckin' right all 6 songs on there were produced by Trel Itz A Hit.

Monday 12 December 2016

The obligatory best rap songs of 2016 post

... and it's goodbye to the year when KanYe West went from Champions to tinkerman and Claudio Ranieri went from tinkerman to champion...

Raise a toast to 2016 - the exact point in history when middle class StanYes officially usurped middle aged 4 eLeMeNtZ survivalists as rap's W.O.A.T demographic. Usual EOTY rules apply here: one song per artist, no order of preference, and a handful of tracks from the filter-end of 2015. If anyone fancies turning this list into a playlist then do it on YouTube because twelve of these tracks aren't available on Spotify or any of its streaming competitors. Shit, four of them aren't on YouTube either, but at least you can find my Rich The Kid-less edit of Rich Homie Quan's Stay Down on the 'Tube (no Paula Yates.)

Boone - Pop A Perc
Yo Gotti - Down In The DM
Lil' Chris - Gods Crying
Jidenna - Long Live The Chief
Lil' Yase - Gigalo
Willie Joe - I Wonder
2 Chainz - MFN Right
WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock
WNC Da Label - Who You Playing With
Dreezy ft. Jeremih - Body
Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice
Kap G - Southside
Ezale & DJ Fresh - We Want Some Pussy
Nef The Pharaoh ft. Philthy Rich - #Saaydaat
Tink - Aquafina
Yung Cat - You Ah Bitch
Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane - Black Beatles
YG - Bool, Balm & Bollective
Rich Homie Quan - Stay Down [Martorialist Edit]
Young Thug & Travis $cott ft. Quavo - Pick Up The Phone
Foxx - Too Old
Boosie BadAzz - Smile To Keep From Crying
Webbie ft. Boosie BadAzz - Problem
Mic Terror - I Don't Call The Cops
White Gzus ft. GLC - G Is For Green
Eat Em - Trophy
Kevin Gates - Hard For
Carolyn Rodriguez ft. Kap G - On The Grind
Young Devi D ft. Brandoshis - Don't Judge Me
Jimmy Wopo - Elm Street
King Louie - We Like To Party
Brill 4 The Thrill ft. Plushh - Pay Me
Ka - That Cold and Lonely
21 Savage & Metro Boomin - No Heart
Aminé - Caroline
D.R.A.M - Cash Machine
5th Ward Weebie ft. S 8ighty & Big Choo - Club Luv
A-Wax - Always Something
No Panty - Gato
Danny Brown - When It Rain
DJ Quik & Problem ft. Shy Carter - A New Nite/Rosecrans Groove
Kamaiyah - For My Dawg
NBA YoungBoy - 38 Baby
Max B ft. Wiz Khalifa, Alpac & Joe Young - Silver Surfer
French Montana ft. Kodak Black - Lockjaw
Mozzy ft. June - 1 Up Top
T.E.C & Maine Musik - Ain't No Comin' Down
Mike $aatchi - Marty McFly
Egyptian Lover - Kinky Nation (Kingdom Kum) [808 Mix]

Related: 2016's best non-rap songs IMO and Sixteen which ain't from 2016.

Saturday 10 December 2016

Generic list post: sixteen which ain't from '16

Basically, sixteen old legit choons that I've discovered in 2016 - a very good year for stumblin' upon gems that I'd previously missed by some of my favourite rappers as it turns out. Cheers to Frankie, BigSleep, Marcello, Noz, SE, Rey, and REDlite for the seven joints they put me onto, and thanx to myself for finally comin' across the other nine.

Slick Rick - Star Trek (1991)
2Pac - F*ck All Y'All [O.G version] (1994)
Cheeky Blakk - Keep It On The Real (1996)
Luniz - X.O. (1996)
OutKast - Roaches & Rats (1996)
Casual - Who Do That (1997)
Mac Dre - Pawns In The Game (1997 or 1998)
Beanie Sigel - Peep The Steelo (200?)
BallGreezy - Shone (2007)
Jackie Chain - Oh Yeah (2007)
The Jacka - Rule The World (2007)
Max B - I Gotta Have It (2008)
A-Wax - Dead People (2010)
Rich Boy - All I Know (2011)
Lil' Yase & Yatta - Get It In (2015)
Young Devi D - Young Fly N*gga (2015)

Honourable mention goes out to Step One for goin' up against ya whole solar system and findin' a true holy grail with the explicit version of the Firm Biz (World's Famous Remix). Fingers crossed 2017 is the year someone finally uploads Juvenile's Ca$h Money Gorilla from the 400 Degreez promo cassette to t'internet.

Thursday 8 December 2016

Generic list post: 2016's best non-rap songs IMO

Now is the winter of our vanity content, where everyone inflicts their favourite songs of the year on t'internet via all manner of convoluted lists. Here's 16 legit jams from the past year or so which aren't even rap songs - instead we got House shit from Chicago dons and cheeky Nando's dons, U.K Afrobeats shit, Dancehall shit, Ghancehall shit, R&B shit, girl-group pop shit featuring Ty Dolla $ign, and future-FunK shit which bangs that little bit harder than DāM-FunK's usual shit.

Mr. Fingers - Qwazars
Shift K3Y - Like This
Moelogo - Pénkéle
Kwamz & Flava - Takeover [O.G version]
Kwamz & Flava ft. Coast2Coast Ent. - Stop Stalling
New Age Muzik - Da Beat
Spice - Indicator
Dexta Daps - Chinese Jordan
Chi Ching Ching - Nacho
Konshens - Bruk Off Mi Cock
Shatta Wale - Bie Gya
Tweet - Magic
Jacquees - Know You
Tinashe - Touch Pass
Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign - Work From Home
DāM-FunK - Hazy Stomp

Bonus beats: top 5 old non-rap songs ya host discovered in 2016. How had none of these songs found their way into my orbit before this year? It's a mystery, Scooby Doo.

The Animals - Inside-Looking Out (1966)
Bananarama - He's Got Tact (1982)
Larry Heard - Missing You (1999)
Chi Ching Ching - Roast Or Fry (Breadfruit) (2015)
Donae'o - Mami No Like (2015)

Tuesday 6 December 2016

Slangin' humble pie and St. Ides in the same sentence

"I feel like I'm Marty McFly, wat' me just travel in time
I need a bitch from the '80s, wat' me pull up with a dime
I been livin' like a rock star, rips in my jeans when I slide
Hot box the Delorean, roll up some dope and get high"

Mike $aatchi - Marty McFly
(From YouTube; 2016)

Did my damnedest to resist this Reys-Cafe find but I can't deny its Legit Slap status any longer. Still prefer it didn't have those trendy Atlanta production tics, but the kid $aatchi definitely has himself something akin to a 2k16 Reagan Era with this one. If there's two things Bay Area rap needed right now it's a song which samples the G.O.A.T Vaporwave tune, and a sixteen year old Armenian Travis Barker lookalike rapper who caught the holy ghost of Chazmaniia.

Crazy thing is Rich The Factor just dropped a new song with the exact same sample. The Oakland-to-Kansas City rap connection ain't had no love for Diana Ross' It's Your Move until 2016?

Monday 5 December 2016

Generic list post: Stop Lyin' edition

Youze rap critics have had enough time to milk your articles about how Tribe's new album is a comfort blanket for 2016's annus horribilis, but now it's time to fess up to the unfortunate truth: that whole LP is a mess which depends on the listener sympathising with Phife's death to forgive the album's many shortcomings. The penance for blatantly misleading your readers? 10 Hail Luciens and an hour spent cleansing your sins with this list of 10 noughties legit jams by Q-Tip and Consequence.

Q-Tip - Let's Ride (2000)
Consequence ft. KanYe West - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly (2002)
Q-Tip ft. Busta Rhymes - N.T. (2000)
Consequence ft. KanYe West - Take It As A Loss (2004)
Q-Tip - Breathe And Stop (2000)
Consequence - Don't Forget 'Em (2007)
Q-Tip - Renaissance Rap (2008)
Consequence ft. Common, KanYe West & Talib Kweli - Wack N*ggas 2 (2004)
Consequence - Job Song (2007)
Busta Rhymes & Q-Tip - Thank You [Kid Capri Remix] (2013)

Do any of these songs contain Phife soundin' like a literal Lil' Half Dead, Q-Tip usin' the Beastie Boys Intergalactic vocal-filter, Busta Rhymes doin' plastic-rastamon Dem Bow karaoke, or Jarobi fumblin' to make words rhyme? Of course they don't, and that is why they're all empirically better than anything on that Tribe album. Wack N*ggas 2 is particularly notable since it's the first time Talib Killjoy had displayed a sense of humour since Fortified Live.

Friday 2 December 2016

She say you annoyin' like a splinter

"Bitch, you 'bout make me flash
Finna get on ya nerves like I'm a rash
You ain't poppin', bitch, you know you trash
And I'm just statin' facts
If you don't like it, fuck it, we can scratch
Light your ass up like you was a match"

Jay Lewis ft. WNC Whop Bezzy - GYAB
(From YouTube; 2016)

... as in Get Yo' Ass Beat. Surprised this is the first WNC-related song to reach a million views on YouTube since it's not one of the more immediate songs in the Wreck-N-Crew oeuvre, but its charms slowly reveal themselves like as all mid-tempo Baton Rouge fight songs tend to do. Shit might be the best example of that particular sub-genre of Louisiana rap since Mista's Going Down, and Jay Lewis outdoes Whop with his own style - "Say lil' bitch don't make me flash like a picture/I stay in that water like a pickle!"

Thursday 1 December 2016

Born to Audiomack: the best of G. Dep

I got a G-Dep playlist for those who consume shit, I love to do it like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Why? Because G. Dep's music was simultaneously butta and gutter, word to mother, go ask your brother, even when Dep was smokin' sherm he never succumbed to the 1993 Ced Gee stutter. How? By collecting the Deputy's twelve best songs starting with five late '90s indie-era joints, six gems he recorded during his tenure with Bad Boy Records, and the one highlight from his attempted late '00's comeback.

Tuesday 29 November 2016

Generic list post: November 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when El Chapo probably should have hired better hitmen.

Camp Lo - Piece Of The Action (1996)
Beanie Sigel - Peep The Steelo (200?)
Trel Itz A Hit - South Louisiana Swag (instrumental) (2015)
Eat Em - Trophy (2016)
WNC Whop Bezzy ft. Boosie - You Know I Ain't Scared (Remix) (2016)
2 Chainz - Diamonds Talkin' Back (2016)
Young Devi D - Gangsta (2016)
Tinashe - Touch Pass (2016)
Spice - Glimity Glamity (2016)

Other notables: the new ATCQ album sounded like a late-career Beastie Boys/plastic-rastamon Run The Jewels hybrid so I'll make like Mesut Özil and pass; Nef The Pharaoh's Put You On isn't essential but it's a step back in the right direction; the remix of Uncle Murda's Cam'Ron Voice really didn't the presence of its namesake in 2016; Boosie & Lil' Scrappy's No Drake On is a sentiment to live by even if the song isn't particularly good; Yung Cat's 30 On Me is a good example of why regional mob rappers should lay off the Auto-Tune; Ask Around is one of those WNC tracks where Trel Itz A Hit's production outshines the rapping.

Monday 28 November 2016

Tevas scared

WHC Whop Bezzy ft. Boosie - You Know I Ain't Scared (Remix)
(From You Know I Ain't Scared (Remix) single/Boosie's new 'tape; 2016)

The original wasn't one of my favourite songs from the WNC camp, but the You Know I Ain't Scared remix has been growin' on me like nasal hair. Whop's re-recorded vocals have more punch, Boosie touchin' down to cause Hell on a WNC track is so necessary, and more remixes should be truncated versions of the source material rather than elongated "everybody raps, b!" posse tracks. All in all, a nasty blast of restrained aggression, and the type of Mardi Gras murder-rap production Boosie really needs to be rappin' over in future.

Related: pity that Whop's Consequences didn't live up to its in-studio Instagram snippet.

Friday 25 November 2016

The Show foreal foreal (part 2)

Slick Rick ft. Doug E. Fresh - Sittin' In My Car
(From Behind Bars album; 1994)

You just know that Doug E. Fresh will show up for the London date of Slick Rick's U.K tour but none of the others. If Rick's hired some c*nt like Beardyman to step in for Doug at his Manchester show tonight then I'm payin' some urchins from Hulme to rush the stage like MobStyle did to N.W.A's infamous show at The Apollo. The only British man who should ever be allowed onstage at a Slick Rick show is MC Ricky D himself and maybe Mark Morrison if he happens to be in the building and he's willing to recreate his 1997 Brit Awards performance.

Slick Rick ft. Warren G - Behind Bars (Dum Ditty Dum Mix)
(From Behind Bars album; 1994)

U.K readers - feel free to unfurl them narratives on how Rick's show in your manor goes down. No lie, if he plays the corny Morcheeba song and not The Moment I Feared then I'm tellin' Purple Aki that Rick's the henchest man in town tonight. It's not a game, God M.C.

Wednesday 23 November 2016

Rap game Raven

What's the funniest f*ck-up on this new Boosie mixtape - is it WNC Whop Bezzy gettin' Mac Malapropismed as Whoop on U Know I Ain't Scared, or is it WNC Carlos gettin' What About Me?-ed entirely when he's also credited as Whoop on My Lil' Son?

I'm gonna plump for the latter since this is karma for Carlos switching his moniker from 70th Street Carlos to WNC Carlos and then back to 70th Street Carlos again. You wanted to make this shit confusin' for rap fans? Here you go then, bruv.

Monday 21 November 2016

Martorial Elegance # 88

True Story like Terror Squad first LP: not a lotta people know this, but G.O.O.D Music's 2007 single Grammy Family was a tribute to Fat Joe. As in, we can fit the entire G.O.O.D roster famalam into that baby blue suit Joe wore at the 1999 Grammy Awards.

Holla @ ya host if every shirt or jacket by the notoriously boxy-fitting Bork menswear brand Our Legacy makes you look like Don Choppergena here. First off, f*ck Our Legacy and the size chart they claim, where an M fits like an XXL, I feel your pain.

Friday 18 November 2016

Just A Friendly Game Of Basketball

"Together, girl, we.. we can't be stopped
This ain't no rebound, go for the block
The time runnin' out, look at the clock
And when we need points, go for the shot"

Eat Em - Trophy
(From YouTube; 2016)

If a Space Jam 2 movie ever happens then this shit should be the soundtrack's equivalent of the Quad City DJ's title track. Much like Twista's theme from that NBA Live game, you don't even have to give a shit about basketball to appreciate that Trophy is catchy af. Only a real NBA YoungBoy could rescue a concept previously mishandled by Audrey and do it in a song that's 80% hook - watch for the verse on some inverse Cool Breeze type shit.

Remember when Jermaine Dupri remade Kurtis Blow's Basketball with Bow Wow & Fabolous? How come rappers rarely ever remake Kurtis' good songs?

Thursday 17 November 2016

Swipe Me Down

What happened to the world this november? First Joe Blow pulls a penknife on A-Wax, then Donald Trump makes like Eric B, then everyone goes cuckoo over a ATCQ album which often sounds like fake-rastamon Run The Jewels, then Mr. 3-2 gets snuffed, then Daisy Lowe gets kicked off Strictly Come Dancing, and now your dad's Tinder profile pic has popped up as an advert on the Siccness main page:

Every region got they own Chucky Workclothes?

Tuesday 15 November 2016

Kudos to whoever uploaded the 2016 mix of Egyptian Lover's Kinky Nation (Kingdom Kum) to YouTube

Egyptian Lover - Kinky Nation (Kingdom Kum) [808 Mix]
(From 1983 - 1988 anthology 2xCD; 2016)

"Kinky Nation was a good song but I never truly loved it because I used a different drum machine. So for this project I went back into the studio and replaced the drums with an 808 and now I am happy with it."
- Greg "Egyptian Lover" Broussard, 2016.

30 years on from 1986, an aiiight filler track from Egyptian Lover's One Track Mind LP now has more bump 'n' grind than Liz Taylor & Richard Burton on the set of Cleopatra. Conclusive proof that an artist tinkering with their old work occasionally yields good results.

Also a pertinent reminder of when sex-raps left certain details to the imagination since this is now the era of "dick so big it's like a foot is in your mouth", "I'm 18 but I got a tight pussy like I'm 8", "put that dick up in her like an enema" and so on. Somehow the rap game reminds me of a dodgy '70s Color Climax smut movie, and I'm like ‘come back, Nas, all is forgiven!’

Monday 14 November 2016

Bacon bra

Spice - Glimity Glamity
(From Car Crash Evolution riddim; 2016)

Turnin' bloggas heads like The Exorcist, it's the Demon Gyalz. Even Spice's songs in a more traditional Dancehall stylee still sound light years ahead of her peers. Can't no man ever say her pussy is dutty like swine, but man like ya host can add Glimity Glamity to his best of Spice 2014 - 2016 playlist.

Saturday 12 November 2016

Why couldn't God have taken 3D from Massive Attack instead of Mr. 3-2???

Chicken N Kalinka presents the best of Mr. 3-2 mix
(From YouTube; 2016)

Pray for Lil' Keke and Yungstar because the curse of the Screwed Up Click strikes yet again. R.I.P to the G.O.A.T bit-player of Houston rap. Kinda ironic that one of the rappers behind Illegal Aliens should get gunned down mere days after Donald Trump is elected president of 'Murica, though, innit? Pray for Big Mike and Phil Collins too.

Friday 11 November 2016

How many Leonard Cohen songs you got on your phone, bruv/luv?

Like Sun Ra, Patti Smith, Fela Kuti, Tom Waits, and post-2010 Lil B, Leonard Cohen is one of those artists who people pretend to adore but nobody actually enjoys listening to. Don't even dare front like you rap-internet melon farmers can name any Leonard Choen songs other than the one Christian Slater used as his intro musik in Pump Up The Volume and/or the one Alexandra Burke covered because dude was just an indie-jukebox Chris Rea who'd never recorded anything which jams as hard pon street as Road To Hell. Remember, my dears, I can smell a lie like a fart in a car, and there's somethin' stank in the air right now.

Wednesday 9 November 2016

Pull up like Rodney in ya baby momma's Honda

"N*ggas tellin' war stories, but I ain't impressed
I cut 'em off mid-sentence, tell 'em save they breath
You can't be gangsta overnight, you gotta take the steps
Instead of playin' the hand they dealt, they tryna shake the deck"

Young Devi D - Gangsta
(From Chess Not Checkers album; 2016)

On my soul, I'll always love when a mainstream pop song gets flipped into some mainey mob shit as Young Devi D did with Kat Dahlia's Gangsta here. On the real, Pimpin' Curly must be an icon in Kansas City because every gangsta-rapper from K.C always claims they've got their enemy's baby mommas on the payroll.

Oi Rey - did Devi get locked up again or did he just decide to abandon all his social media accounts at the same damn time? Damn shame if it's the former because dooooooooood's music contains multitudes.

Monday 7 November 2016

Reasons why I love YouTube: Trel Itz A Hit edition

Trel Itz A Hit - 3rd World (instrumental)
(From YouTube; 2016)

There's no excuse for any Louisiana rapper to be doin' their own dang over generic trap beats when the producer behind WNC's Cross Me, Keep A Glock, Bang Out, and Who You Playing With has a YouTube channel full of instrumentals for sale. Beserker-bounce that'd suit everyone from the WNC squad to Mystikal to 5th Ward Weebie is his forte, but he's also got that Louisiana trunk music which'd work for legends like Wayne and Boosie as well as upstarts like T.E.C & Maine Musik. The petition to get Foxx to cop the South Louisiana Swag beat starts here.

Trel Itz A Hit - South Louisiana Swag (instrumental)
(From YouTube; 2015)

Trel's also got that more traditional gangsta shit for the concrete and the Bayou alike, and he's even a dab hand with remakes of Louisiana classics which have never been released in instrumental form before. Everything from B.G's N My City to Soulja Slim's Ya Heard Me to Beelow's I'm A Beast to a personal fantasy instrumental in Juvenile's Roll With 'Em:

Trel Itz A Hit - Roll Wit Em (instrumental)
(From YouTube; 2014)

For future reference, these are the instrumentals for Keep A Glock, Cross Me, Bang Out, and Who You Playing With. F*ck a rat, f*ck a snake, and f*ck a pig - especially a snake.

Sunday 6 November 2016

Sometimes it beez that way, mami

Dunno too much about R&B meself, but even a savage like moi can recognise a 5/5 Tinashe jam when I hear it. In a perfect world Touch Pass would be one of the 3 biggest songs on the planet right now behind Spice's Indicator and Tink's Aquafina; in the real world Touch Pass is destined to be ruined by a guest appearance from either Schoolboy-Q or Bhris Brown.

Tinashe - Touch Pass
(From Tinashe's Nightride mixtape; 2016)

Can see why the rest of this new Tinashe project got released as a stocking-filler mixtape rather than her official sophomore album, tbh. Tinashe? More like Tinearshe amirite! Rumour has it ol' girl wanted Bobby Brackins to whip up some more magic with his songwriting pen but he was busy recording Daisy Duke's wedding theme for the next Dukes Of Hazzard franchise reboot.

Bobby Brackins - My Bride
(From To Live For EP; 2016)

Saturday 5 November 2016

Re-Up Gong

Quick repost of my best of Grip Plyaz playlist since nu-Atlanta rappers are still out here shamelessly biting him in 2016. Who'm I talkin' 'bout? Y'know wasisname.

Thursday 3 November 2016

I Shouldn't Have Don It

Did the D in MC Ricky D stand for Donald?

It's a fair question because before Donald Trump was forcing himself on beauty pageant contestants, Slick Rick was writing explicit rap routines about Miss America winners. Somewhat of a precursor to Biggie's Dreams (Just Playin'), Rick & Doug's Vanessa Williams routine comes from the legendary live at Lincoln Projects 1984 performance which was one of those mythical live cassette tapes passed around New York in the 80's that you've probably heard bits of if anyone's ever hooked you up with any old Mr. Magic radio shows. It's neither big nor clever to write pervy fantasy raps about celebrity lasses, but like Too $hort said, it's a fact, there's no debatin' - that shit happened:

MC Ricky D & Doug E. Fresh - Vanessa Williams
(From live at Lincoln Projects, Harlem; 1984)

Cheers to Jack The Snipper for trimming this one down for me. Full live at Lincoln Projects 1984 performance here.

Monday 31 October 2016

She's Crafty Cockney

Eric B has got a beer gut and my name is Rakim.

Top 5 darts-themed rap songs of all time:
1. Big L - MvG
2. LL Cool J - The Bristow Hotel
3. Buckshot - The BDO Thug
4. Gang Starr - Who's Gonna Take The Wade
5. French Montana et al - Oche Cinco

Sunday 30 October 2016

Generic list post: October 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when the Howard Hawks of Horror told me that Ice-T's The Tower is his favourite rap song to sample the Halloween theme. Makes sense that Carpenter stands up when he performs his music live because all maniacal geniuses from Mozart to James Murdoch are so consumed by their work that sitting down is a physical impossibility. Old bean was like a dad-dancing geriatric version of DJ Alfredo in Ibiza.

Casual - Who Do That (1997)
Casual - The Best At It (1997)
Doni F of Break In Crew - No Luv (2007)
Young Devi D - Young Fly N*gga (2015)
Young Devi D ft. Brandoshis - Don't Judge Me (2016)
YG - One Time Comin' (2016)
J. Stalin - West Oakland N*gga (2016)
White Gzus ft. GLC - G Is For Green (2016)
D.R.A.M - Workaholic (2016)
Kwamz & Flava ft. Coast2Coast - Stop Stalling (2016)

Other notables: only heard it for the first time yesterday, but Diamonds Talkin' Back gotta be my favourite 2 Chainz song since MFN Right; it's cool that a Curren$y & $tarlito track finally exists even if I'll probably never listen to it again; Jimmy Wopo and the WNC lads both disappointed me with their new singles this month; Kap G's Girlfriend remix with Ty Dolla $ign & Quavo really doesn't need to exist; Eminem's Campaign Speech sounds like "Tom Cruise mom shoes"-era Canibus recorded a 7 minute parody of El-P's solo career; Shawty Lo is dead but the influence of D4L lives on in the songs of DB Tha General's former weed carrier-turnt-Philthy Rich's current chain polisher; listened to NBA YoungBoy's new mixtape and 38 Baby is still his only song which warrants the hype imho.

Friday 28 October 2016

Ran Off On Da Shameless Plug Twice

Updated my Rap Songs That Aren't On YouTube playlist with tracks by The Team and Rock D The Legend & Big Boi, and also added a couple of new cuts by King Louie and White Gzus & GLC which have yet to find their way to the 'Tube. Said he bodied me with his last playlist, guess nobody heard it because nobody listened to his last playlist.

Wednesday 26 October 2016

40 Cal Chuchester

Told y'all that Yung Cat quietly had the 'Tubesploitation game on lock. If YouTube comedy-rap has to exist then 'tis far more preferable for Kansas City's finest purveyor of Husalahwave to have his 5 year old stepson rhyming mainey shit on camera than it is for Anthony Faneto's #problematic Mexican alter-ego to record zany Bobby Shmurda remakes. Only needle drop we acknowledge here at The Martorialist:

Tuesday 25 October 2016

Why couldn't God have taken Paul McCartney instead of Pete Burns?

Ding dong, lid - the G.O.A.T Scouser is dead. Pour out a little Stella for the singer partially responsible for the greatest duet in TV history AKA the only Celebrity Big Brother contestant who could out-peacock Dennis Rodman AKA Pete "Dragula" Burns.

Dismissed as an 80's one hit wonder who'd Frankensteined himself with cosmetic surgery until his trailblazing reality TV career took flight in the '00s, Pete The Meat was the recording artist David Bowie could have been if the latter weren't a poncey middle-class Cockney trend-hopper who pilfered sounds and cultures on some proto-Drake type shit. It could be argued that Pete from Bebington didn't have the same seismic cultural impact as Ziggy Stardust, but keep pretending to yourself that Dave from Bromley ever recorded a song as good as You Spin Me Round (Like a Record), fam.

We'll all miss Meryseyside's "brickie in heels", let's just hope he's slaggin' off Tracy Bingham with Jesus. As 'Pac nearly said, I wonder if Heaven got a still-lucarative Japanese market to exploit?

Monday 24 October 2016

Green grow the rushes

"Playin' my hand, wanted to deal
Jordan was winnin', wanted to be him
Closest I came? Wearin' his shoes
Hoes see me, I'm swearin' they choose"

White Gzus ft. GLC - G Is For Green
(From Soundcloud; 2016)

When midwest pimp-rap meets Portishead-style mysteriousness. Lord only knows why this one isn't included on the new White Gzus 'tape because it bodies every song on there. Round of applause for Blanco Caine rhyming Medellin with the title of Project Pat's debut album - Da Capo best Rap couplet of 2016?

Thursday 20 October 2016

I be goin' in, what the f*ck is the exit?

All ya host has ever wanted since startin' this blog is a slap that sounds like D-Lo blew new gas into C-Bo's Want To Be A "G". Props to the Cafe for locating the album containing that very slap:

"A young fly crip n*gga, R.I.P to Tookie
These suckers can't touch me, it's like I got the cooties"

Young Devi D - Young Fly N*gga
(From YouTube; 2015/Chess Not Checkers album; 2016)

This Young Devi D album sounds like it's got some joints, but pass me a scone because Young Fly N*gga is the jam. "You always tawm 'bout what you gon' pull out for the summer/that chevy look like you put Daytons on a dumpster!"

Wednesday 19 October 2016

A recent-ish jams 4 u compilation (2016 volume 4)

Think about it, yo: a hole is both a thing and the absence of a thing. Plug up any metaphysical or metaphorical holes in your own existence with a zipfile thingy of ten tracks from the past few months that I've been feelin' since the last compilation of this type.

1. King Louie - We Like To Party
2. Tink - Aquafina
3. Jimmy Wopo - Walkin' Bomb Part 2
4. Yung Cat - Same N*ggas Who Popped Me
5. WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock
6. WNC Carlos ft. JMM Larry & SOG Sherwood Flame - Cross Me
7. Aminé - Caroline
8. Big Baby D.R.A.M - Cash Machine
9. Kap G - In The A
10. Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice


Sunday 16 October 2016

Rap songs that aren't on YouTube but really should be # 19

The song up for consideration: a Team deep cut from the same 2004 Richie Rich compilation J. Stalin's first solo slaps come from. The reasons this shit should be on YouTube for the world to stream: because it's one of the hardest quacks in the Team's catalogue, and it's the group's only track which sounds as comfy next to Fabolous' Can't Let You Go remix as it does to Mac Dre's Me Damac.

"Back to back, double cars
See me out with double R
Lookin' for that redbone, push-up bubble bra"

The Team - Gangster's Talkin'
(From Richie Rich's Grabs, Snatches & Takes compilation; 2004)

The postscript: did you know that The Team's rare 2002 debut album Beyond The Glory featured cameos from Nas and Loon? A feat that's all the more impressive since even Kay Slay's first compilation album from 2003 couldn't quite pull that trick off. Alas, neither track can currently be found on the 'Tube either - a huge pity because it's hilarious that Nas appeared on a song with yung Clyde Carson at the peak of his beef with lcd club-bangeur rap.

Friday 14 October 2016

This is Afrobeats, baby, never techno

'Bout time the Treacherous Two of U.K Rapfrobeats Kwamz & Flava dropped some new shit, especially since the re-recorded video version of Takeover that's still gettin' play on urban TV here isn't a patch on the original. What could have been a clusterfuck of a label showcase for the Coast2Coast Entertainment roster turns out to be a slinky little anthem where everyone involved plays their position on some 21 Seconds type pithiness. Based On A T.R.U Story like 2 Chainz first LP: you can lose an inch from your waistline every time you grind a rug to Stop Stalling.

Kwamz & Flava ft. they mans - Stop Stalling
(From YouTube; 2016)

Wednesday 12 October 2016

Generic list post: can you believe 2007 was damn near a decade ago?

It's dry out here for any new rap to my taste at the moment, so here's a generic list post of 2007's best rap songs as according to moi. Some were favourites at the time, others I've discovered in the years since, but all I still fuxwit in 2016. No order of preference because every song here is a beautiful snowflake in its own special way.

Max B - Why You Do That
ByrdGang - Life's Like A Movie
UGK - The Game Belongs To Me
Rich Boy - Boy Looka Here
Camp Lo - Black Hollywood
Rock D The Legend ft. Big Boi - DDT
The Jacka - Aspen
Husalah - Fighting The Feds
Dude 'n Nem - Watch My Feet
DJ Jazzy Jeff ft. Peedi Peedi - Brand New Funk 2k7
Tha Camp - 1 Rubber
Styles P - Kill That Faggot
Lil' Boosie - I Know
Foxx, Lil' Boosie & Webbie - Wipe Me Down (Remix)
A-Wax - Gatez
Grand Puba - Let's Go
AZ - Doin' That (Memphis Sessions Mix)
Gucci Mane - I Move Chickens
Turf Talk - Broke N*ggas!
KanYe West - Can't Tell Me Nothing
Consequence - Don't Forget 'Em
Trae ft. Slim Thug - Nuthin' 2 A Boss
The Cool Kids - I'm Mikey
Mic Terror - Juke Them Hoes
Soulja Boy Tell'em - Crank That (Soulja Boy)
Prodigy - Mac Ten Handle
Lil' Wayne - The Sky Is The Limit
Devin The Dude ft. Snoop Dogg & Andre 3000 - What A Job
Blaq Poet - Don't Give A Fucc
Shawty Lo - Dey Know

Monday 10 October 2016

Rap songs that aren't on YouTube but really should be # 18

What kind of depraved world are we living in when Rock D The Legend's one moment of glory has been removed from YouTube? Sometimes you just have to marvel at rap music for being the only art form in the entire cosmos where wresslin' and the Halloween theme can be combined to such potent effect via a Purple Ribbon weed carrier & his guv'nor:

Rock D The Legend ft. Big Boi - DDT (That Hoe)
(From DDT (That Hoe) single; 2007)

Number one reason why Big Boi is so much more likeable than Andre 3000: the latter would have never guested on one of the best spin-off songs of the Crank That era. For that we should probably be thankful because in the unlikely event that Andre would ever partake in such crassness, he'd probably insist on his cameo being a spoken word intro about why wearing Nikes is bad.

Saturday 8 October 2016

Everything I say is super-factual even if I'm talkin' supernatural

"I been dealing with the ghosts of 'em
Hit a play or two with most of em
Home invasion, they was so stubborn
Had to shoot 'em up, roll somethin'
Man, I must be getting old or somethin'
Thinking maybe it's the coke or somethin'
Something turned into a broken somethin'
Every time I get close to something"

A-Wax - Always Something
(From YouTube; 2016)

As stated previously, A-Wax videos were so much better before they became 3 minute motion pictures of him walkin' around various locales in slow-motion and standing on inanimate objects doing rap-hands. Nonetheless, I cannae be mad that the best song on Pushin' Keyz just got the visual treatment. As also stated previously, A-Wax always brings a little extra something when rappin' about being haunted by the ghosts of victims past.

Friday 7 October 2016

I wonder if Heaven got a Datpiff and some soft-toe Reeboks?

Dearly beloved Louisiana rap fans, we are gathered here today to pay our final respects to one Frank Calhoune esquire, mercifully still breathing IRL but officially dead to us URL after rating Juvenile's Money On The Couch as the 2nd weakest song on Solja Rags yesterday. We come together in grief, acknowledging our loss as we did when Plum Drank removed his 2004 Gel And Weave blog post about Boosie from t'internet. May we share comfort in this time of mourning by paraphrasing the scriptures of New York's Leonard Da Baptist:

"Only thing I’m scared of is God and the Feds
Lost a lot of bloggas and they ain’t even dead
Money On The Couch is top 5 before it gets to the 1st hook
But f*ck the same page, Frankie ain’t even reading the same book"

(Uncle Murda 2:20)

Thursday 6 October 2016

Martorial Elegance: Shatta On You edition

We're now into the vinegar stroke months of 2016 and west Africa's Ghancehall King Shatta Wale still has the flyest video outfit of the year. How did the entire global music industry get shatted on by some breh from Ghana in a custom fake Adidas trackie which somehow looks better than any real Adidas trackie since them leather joints Run D.M.C wore in Paris? Ayo whoever runs the Adolf Dassler brand nowadays - remove that KanYe West, homie (Bigg Jus™), and replace him with the artiste formerly known as Bandana From Ghana.

Shatta Wale - Bie Gya
(From YouTube; 2016)

Glad someone was payin' attention when I mentioned Shatta Wale earlier this year. Playlist needs Hol' It, though, because that shit is canonical to both Shatta Wale's discography and my own dabbling into Afrobeats.

Tuesday 4 October 2016

Generic list post: 5 fives

5 album cuts which really should have been singles:
Dru Down - Playa Fo' Real (1996)
UNK ft. Loko - Comin' Down Da Street (2006)
EPMD - Let The Funk Flow (1988)
Suga Free ft. Morris Day - She Get What She Pay Foe (2004)
Junglepussy - Bling Bling (2014)

5 legit jams by rappers I'd never heard of this time last year:
Boone - Pop A Perc (2015)
Yung Cat - You Ah Bitch (2016)
WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock (2016)
Brill 4 The Thrill ft. Plushh - Pay Me (2016)
Jimmy Wopo - Elm Street (2016)

5 rap songs from the past that I'd slept on until this year:
BallGreezy - Shone (2007)
Mac Dre - Pawns In The Game (1997/2014)
Cheeky Blakk - Keep It On The Real (1996)
The Jacka - Rule The World (2007)
Lil' Yase & Yatta - Get It In (2015)

5 legit joints by New York's least internet-trendy rapper:
Uncle Murda - Anybody Can Get It (2008)
Uncle Murda - I Just Shot Him (2009)
Uncle Murda ft. Rocko - Wu Wuu Wuuu (2013)
Uncle Murda ft. Keyz - Same Way (2014)
Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice (2016)

5 more album cuts which really should have been singles:
Handy - U Ain't Stupid (2004)
Egyptian Lover - A Strange Place (The Alezby Inn) (1986)
Positive K - How The F*ck Would You Know (1992)
Mike Jones ft. Bun B & Lil' Keke - Know What I'm Sayin' (2005)
Snoop Dogg & Pharrell Williams - R U A Freak (2015)

Side note: A Strange Place (The Alezby Inn) did get a 12" release the following year in 1987, but it qualifies here because Egyptian Lover never shot a video for it. Shit coulda been the lesbo-erotic Rumble Fish to the Freak-A-Holic video's The Outsiders.

Sunday 2 October 2016

Champagne Aki

Big Moe ft. D-Gotti - Purple Stuff
(From Purple World album; 2002)

Quick Zack Morris "Time Out!" from rap to inform youze lot that there's now a short BBC documentary about Purple Aki up on YouTube. He's been half man/half meme since the MySpace era, but once upon a time Aki was very much the Candyman-cum-Ken Kaniff of Merseyside. Between this documentary, season 4 of Wentworth, Pete Burns on Botched Up Bodies, and the CJ from Eggheads situation, 2016 is truly a new golden-age for TV.

Friday 30 September 2016

Interrogation room I'm on mute, plus I'm senile

"I'm 16, got more money than your baby daddy
That's why I left a dirty condom in the car seat of the Cadi'"

J. Stalin - West Oakland N*gga
(From the forthcoming On Behalf Of The Streets Part 2 album; 2016)

"I don't want no Commies in my car" is a code to live by with regards to what gets play on your motor's stereo, but here at The Martorialist we're willing to make an exception for the breh breh babyface Stalin on those occasions when he's anchored by The Mekanix or DJ Fresh (or E-A-Ski & CMT if we wanna go way back to 2004.) Favourite slap tremenski by the 10th Street Tzar since Instagram Gangstaz.

Thursday 29 September 2016

Generic list post: September 2016

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when KanYe West and Kid Cudi argued about who wore skinny jeans first. The Cool Kids #actually predated everyone on this tip, and I'm 100% positive of this because of a 2007 message board thread about them where Will High was horrified to see rappers wearing tight kecks. That thread and the old Cool Kids MySpace page are long since lost to internet redesigns, but the Black Mags video from 9 years ago lives on as proof.

Slick Rick - Star Trek (1991)
King Louie - We Like To Party (2011/2016)
Tink - Aquafina (2016)
Ezale - Stop Come On (2016)
Yung Cat - Same N*ggas Who Popped Me (2016)
WNC Carlos - Keep A Glock (2016)
WNC Da Label - Who You Playing With (2016)
Big Baby D.R.A.M - Cash Machine (2016)
Tinashe - Company (2016)
Ty Dolla $ign - Stealing (2016)
DâM-FunK - Hazy Stomp (2016)
Spice - Siddung (2016)

Other notables: Mozzy's Messy Murder Scenes, Lil' Chris' Public Housing and DJ Quik's Black Friday are all songs I like but have to be in a certain mood for; Go Crazy is the only one of those 3 new T.E.C & Maine Musik songs I kinda dig and I'm far more excited about a possible sequel to Social Media Gangsta; Chinx's Crown Royal is the song French's Ocho Cinco should have been; Nef The Pharaoh's new mixtape doesn't deserve to be thought of a anything more than a bunch of songs which weren't good enough to make his album; Always Something has been my shit but the rest of A-Wax's new LP Pushin' Keyz sounds pretty stale and he should probably take a break from using Non-Stop as his main producer.