Wednesday 25 November 2009

Reasons why I love Youtube part 6

For discovering videos you never knew existed for songs which you love part 2

Black Flag - Slip It In

Sometime back in 2006 my mate sends me a Youtube link telling me that some zany kids have just made a video to Slip It In which i should see, so I'm watching it and I'm like "Holllld up, wait a minute - these mahfuckers in it are the cast from the 2 80s Teenage Lovedolls flicks, aren't they?". A Google search revealed that, yes, they are various cast members from those movies, that it's a proper Black Flag video and that it was directed by dook who did that The Year Punk Broke documentary in the 90s. The TV Party and Drinking And Driving (is it just me or does that song sound much better accompanied with the video than it ever sounded on record?) videos were widely distrubuted on grainy VHS tapes from American friends in this country but i 'unno anyone who ever knew of the existence of this video before Youtube. Anyway, it's become one of my favourite videos and the blond who played Alexandria Axethrasher in the Lovedolls movies looks foxy as hell in it, in a kind of Stephanie Kaye from Degrassi going to a fancy dress party as Dee Snider from Twisted Sister kinda way.

Juvenile - Solja Rag

Juve's Hot Boys visor is one of the flyest bit of apparel I've seen but them cuffed Daisy Duke shorts he's wearing leave a lot to be desired. That said, he does rock them a lot better than Prodigy in the Outta Control remix video so it's all luv. Is Juve's main mate who looks like Brix from OZ/Bodie from The Wire with a Boosie-fade Lil' Soulja from Beelow's Big Body remix?

Aux 88 - Electro/Techno

Regular Detriot techno bores me, but I ride with the more electro type shit like Juan Atkins's output under his Cybotron and Model 500 nom de plumes and the 90s elecretro stuff they inspired like Aux 88. Aux 88 were vaguelly known in the UK for 2 reasons : for having that remix of Electronic Warfare by Underground Resistance which was on the Dave Clarke electro video mix that the MTV dance show that durty lookin' Simone bird hosted used to play late at night, and them turning up to play Bugged Out in Manchester at the height of summer in those Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House sized bubble gooses they used to wear.

Freddie Foxxx - The Master

It's often said that getting your video played on Yo!, MTV Raps back in the day was the difference between selling thousands of copies and seling 5 copies to your homeboys and mum, so that probably explains why Freddie's first album from 1989 went plastic (well, that and the fact the album was shit other than this song, obviously), because there was no way any national tv show was ever going show this fucking bizarre video effort with an intro which seems to last the duration of 2012 (I can't be the only one who considered suicide during the last hour of that movie as a means of escape) where Freddie walks out of his kitchen job on his tyranical Chinese boss due to the advice of Eric B as his mythical Zen Master figure who imparts knowledge on him at times of crisis, and then gets chased around Chinatown by the bosses henchmen, who include some Sumo wrestler who looks more like Biz than Yokozuna, before they embark on a karate fight on a traintrack under a bridge.

Beastie Boys - She's On It

I remember someone telling me that there was a video to this, but I always just assumed they meant an extended version of the scene in Krush Groove where the Beasties perform it. How wrong I was. Here we get the Beasties on a beach, plenty of bikini clad broads, a young Rick Rubin and that guitar riff which is nastier than Clarence Boddicker. Oh shit, there was a video for Rock Hard too.

Vanity 6 - Nasty Girl

Speaking of nasty, some clever clogs has managed to exploit a legal loophole to upload the Nasty Girl video without Warner Brothers having it deleted or getting the sound muted for copyright infingement. My man needs to do the same with them old Ice-T videos which Warner's jobsworths keep having removed too. Anyway, this is the best Prince penned song not sung by Prince and was the catalyst for the first proper rap answer record by Martorialist faves Dr. Jeckyll & Mr Hyde. Cot-damn, Susan Moonsie was fine.

Nate Dogg - One More Day

This was always the sleeper cut from the Murder Was The Case soundtrack for me and, weirdly, the video isn't even on that Too Gangsta For TV Death Row Uncut dvd which came out around a decade ago, which has pretty much every other video and misuscule piece of footage from the Death Row vaults. Rap videos where rappers and their mates pretend to play instruments on stage are always a winner, and that's word to Diamond D on the drums and Fat Joe on the bass in the Actual Facts video.

Onyx - Bacdafucup

I'm more of a All We Got Iz Us kinda fella (second only to Liquid Swords as far as perfect wintertime rap albums go), but the intro to the first album is one of my favourite preludes and if I was a wrestler I'd use this as my entrance music a la New Jack with Natural Born Killaz. Is this the only example of an album intro getting video treatment?

Into Another - Mutate Me

As far as 80s NY hardcore vets going all post-hardcore in the 90s go, Into Another weren't exactly a group of the Quicksand calibre, but they did have their moments like the Seemless L, which this comes from. Can't front, I did catch the dying seconds of this on 120 Minutes back in 1995 but it wasn't until Youtube that I finally see the video in all its cliched the-band-anguishedly-perform-the-song-in-some-cramped-space-as-flashing-lights-dart-inbetween-them glory. You're a better man than me if you can fathom out what the fuck the falling lift with the robotic skeleton are all about.

Royce Da 5'9" - Boom

According to my mate the Boom video got play on MTV Base back in 2001, but I never came across it. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing as the video is pebbledashed with various scenes from the utterly absymal Carmen : A Hip Hopera since the song ended up appearing on the soundtrack to that sunday moring custard-crap of a movie. I'd rather hear Umi Says (hands down the most excrutiating rapper-tries-to-sing track to date) pumped at ear splitting volume at 4 AM every morning for the rest of my life than ever watch Mos Def act again.

Wednesday Fat Lace bonuses :

Check out Drew Huge's killer random-rap mix for Southern Hospitality's Twelve 12"s mix series.

Also check out Dom P's treasure trove of bizarre homemade rap memorabilia including, deep breath here, a wooden box with 5 tennis balls painted as the members of NWA superglued onto it.

Please believe your boy would pull the trigger on this if it wasn't $750. Seven hundred and fifty dollars. Marinate on that.

Monday 23 November 2009

When I say dozen you know what I'm talkin' about, boyyy

Thought we might be in for another Ultimate Warrior comeback a la Barry last year in the this year's grand finale of Are You An Egghead? for a minute when Pat Gibson got 4 questions wrong on the trot and David Edwards came back from in losing all the early rounds to go on a stunning run in the last round before Pat eventually got his penultimate question right and won the competition.

Not quite sure how Pat is gonna fit in on the Eggheads team as he's a less eccentric Chris with more knowledge of sport and music made after 1981 or a more burly Kevin with an added thousand yard stare, but we ain't drinkin' no haterade here as dook got his question about which rap group the RZA, Ghostface Killah and Method Man found fame with right. Shame he didn't attempt a guess at what NWA stands for but you can't expect miracles on BBC2 teatime telly, huh? Word to the wise for Dermot and Pat, though : it's pronounced Rizah, not R-Z-A. I'm sure Daphne would've known how to say it.

Beastie Boys - Egg Man

Quiz related edit :

Oh shit, the tranny Olivia Wooley reappeared on University Challenge last night too. Best U.C contestant ever.

Friday 20 November 2009

Justice at last?

Henchoz blatantly handled the ball in the box to prevent a Henry goal in the 2001 F.A Cup final and the Irish inflicted House Of Pain on the world. Is this a case of karma turning its hand to finally catch up with matters it should've taken care of years ago?

Black Sabbath - Hand Of Doom

Wednesday 18 November 2009


The Latest who-is-more-down-with-black-ppl-from-the-south kerfuffle on the rap blogosphere got me thinking about when I was first exposed to the charms of UGK myself. Like every other early 30-something raised on Compton's Most Wanted, the Menace II Society soundtrack was an instant cop in 1993 for Eiht's Streiht Up Menace, and although it also included exclusives by everyone from Short and Quik to Brand Nu' and Pete & CL (not to mention KRS and Spice 1, though their tracks later turned up on their 187 He Wrote and Return Of The Boom-Bap albums), the highlight ended up being UGK's Pocket Full Of Stones remix.

This would be the first time anybody in the UK had ever heard UGK (these were the days before any non-Rap-A-Lot or Luke affiliated southern rap was acknowldged by The Source and HHC) and, save for appearances on Big Mike's Somethin' Serious and Scarface's My Homies, it'd unfortunately be the last we heard from them until 1999 when they appeared on Big Pimpin' since neither Super-Tight or Ridin' Dirty made it over here. A year or so later home internet and all the music finding delights it entailed - specifically Napster, Audiogalaxy and eBay - became standard (I'd only been only the internet twice prior to the year 2000 : once was spent looking up the pornstar Laura Turner, the other was spent browsing the Mr Bongo's new releases section and checking out that site which listed all the samples used on Paul's Boutique) and Ridin' Dirty would be one of the first albums I attempted to download due to the praise it received in the Ego Trip book, where it featured prominently in both the best albums of '96 list and the slept on albums list. It took about 2 days to download the intro and 3 songs before i gave up and hit eBay up for a copy which took about a month to arrive. Since then they've ascended their way into my top 5 rap groups alongside Eric B. & Rakim, NWA, OutKast and Brand Nubian circa One For All. Sorry, Penthouse Players Clique, but you've been shunted down the pecking order to the less glamourous position of 6th place.

Anyway, there was a Pimp C interview not long before he died where he talked about how the Pocket Full Of Stones remix was the record which really made UGK, not just because its placement on the Menace soundtrack broke them nationally, but because it was the song where they found their own identity and sound. Interestingly, he noted Too $hort and not The Chronic as his key production influence as he'd been jamming some $hort with his uncle who hated the early UGK records and Pimp's favourite records by BDP, Public Enemy, NWA, Ice-T and Geto Boys, but dug some $hort Dog due to the "musicality" of the live instrumentation used on them, which he suggested Pimp should add to UGK. Pimp decided to experiment with this idea for a remix of their then most popular song (though Bun still thinks the original is the song UGK are going to be remembered for) and the rest is history.

UGK - Pocket Full Of Stones Pimp C Remix

And so Country-Rap was born. This is a song which forever altered rap that's as important to the south as Sucker MC's or Ego Trippin' were to the east coast or Ice-T's 6 In The Mornin' were to the west (though I still suggest that his earlier track Killers was the true turning point). Listen to any southern Gang$ta-Rap song before the Pocket Full Of Stones remix and 8 times outta 10 it'll be yer usual breaks whipped up into something vaguelly resembling a vintage beat for NWA or CMW (the other two times it'll be a vaguelly spooky minimal synth over an 808 a la Colors or Drama by Ice-T), listen to any southern Gang$ta-Rap after the Pocket Full Of Stones remix, however, and it's a whole 'nother story, best evidenced on the albums by fellow Texans Big Mike and Scarface in '94, and the stark contrast between Organized Noize's production on the Parental Advisory album in '93 and OutKast's debut in '94. Things done changed.

I leave you today with a picture of Laura Turner, the porno actress I mentioned earlier in the post with regards to my early intehnetz exploits. You only really need to possess 2 porn movies : the 1st porno you ever saw and whatever Buttman movie it was where Laura met John "Buttman" Stagliano and Rocco Siffredi while merrily scampering along Tower Bridge in a pair of hot pants with a blond mate who mysteriously disappears halfway through the pounding Rocco and Buttman are giving them.

There's a scary amount of videos of Ellesmere Port's Vauxhall Motors football team on Youtube, yet the Channel 5 documentary Laura Turner appeared in with her fellow pornstar husband some time around 1998 or 1999 isn't on there? What kind of world are we living in?

Monday 16 November 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever # 21

Excellent timing on your post about Jones The Cat in Alien, Boothe, as it coincides with me seeing the cat-attack scene in Let The Right One In the other night, which is the foulest moggy scene I've seen since the cat eats the hitman hired to kill it in the Cat From Hell story in the Tales From The Darkside movie.

I've known about dogs not being particularly fond of the undead ever since Nanook went for Michael in The Lost Boys, but who knew felines have such contempt for bloodsuckers too, especially since they're such evil hissing demons with fangs themselves? Me, I've always hated cats ever since I was a kid and the next door neighbour's nasty little hellion of a cat jumped on me after I found it hiding out in our airing cupboard, so I'm more of a fan of celluloid canines. Shout outs to Chopper in Stand By Me. Sic 'em, boy :

Klondike Kat - Brain Matter

Thursday 12 November 2009

War of the World War IIIs

In the red corner we have World War III by Melle Mel : a future-shock vision of combat on the battlefield and the horrors nuclear war could bring about on the planet over some grandiose electro-funk and R&B wailing, made smack dab in the middle of the Cold War in 1984 :

Melle Mel - World War III

And in the blue corner we have World War III by the Ruff Ryders featuring Snoop, Yung Wun, Scarface and Jadakiss : the bi-coastal posse jam to end all bicoastal posse jams from 2000, where Swizz not only provides parping tuba (true story : we read on Just Blaze's Twitter that it's a Harold Bishop sample) over his trademark Casio presets and Skull Snaps break combination, but also adds his raspy tones to the hook as he instructs each rapper to introduce themselves before their verses :

Ruff Ryders ft. Snoop, Yung Wun, Scarface & Jadakiss - World War III


As great as Melle Mel's World War III is (that shit scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I heard it), the God-bothering leaves it feeling all a bit too Camouflage by Stan Ridgeway to defeat the combined forces of 'Face and Jada on a track together with Swizz's accompanying "State cha ya name, gangsta.." hook. Result : Ruff Ryders and pals win on a controversial but correct points decision.

So, how the fuck did we go from posse cuts like this to laughable shite like Swagger Like Us and Forever? Don'tcha just wish they'd had someone like Juve' on there instead of Yung Won, though. I mean, honestly, Yung Wun? Jesus. On the bright side, at least we were spared a Drag-On verse.

The duplicate monikered Monch tune with Shabaam Sahdeeq? Eh, that shit is cool 'n' all but it belongs in a different weight class as it doesn't sound suitably epic enough for a song with such a monumental title, does it?

Tuesday 10 November 2009

We left it wet for you, Moz

We refer not to the time Barratt paid tribute to The Smiths at Salford Lads Club, but the bottle incident at Moz's Liverpool show the other night which a member of our team was behind. Business never personal, we were just seein' if Moz had the neccessary swag' to pull off gettin' hit square in the domepiece like Scott Hall on Nitro that time. But this ain't a post about Morrissey, this is about them boys from Texas :

UGK - I Left It Wet For You

One of the many things I love about UGK was that just when you thought they'd reached their plateau of gang$ta-rap greatness, they'd step it up another notch. Take I Left It Wet For You, for example. You'd think they couldn't have have topped Bun's "Yo, ain't nuthin' goin' on but nuts on naked chicks/they never fakin' licks, suckin' dicks while I'm takin' shits" rhyme for sheer filth but over a decade later they went and made Bun's blumpkin fetishizing sound passe when they remade the song as an ode to the rectal follicles of 'tutes and enlisted the help of kindred spirits Webbie and Boosie for maximum Southern ig'nance :

UGK ft. Webbie & Boosie - Hairy Asshole

God, it sucks we'll never hear another new UGK song. Why couldn't a proper fat twat rapper who had nothing left to offer like Bonecrusher have died instead of Pimp C? No offence like, Bonecrusher, mate.

Sunday 8 November 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever # 20

Here's when you know you're a geek : you're watching the opening scene of The Fourth Kind and you're not doey-eyed and drooling over Milla Jovovich because you're pulsating with excitement that her doctor is Elias Koteas AKA dude who played Duncan The Skinhead in John Hughes's Some Kind Of Wonderful.

Here at The Martorialist we consider Duncan to be to skinheads in 80s flicks, what Barry Venison's was to footballer's with permed mullets in the 80s : the don of his realm. Sure, Elias Kosteas may not have the punk credentials of Dick Rude as Duke in Repo Man and, it's entirely possible he might not even be able to debate the merits of Black Flag line-ups, but what he lacks in those departments he makes up for by looking like his DNA was used to create both Cappo and Porcell. Break it down :



I guess you're expecting a Some Kind Of Wonderful scene now, and, although this isn't the one I wanted it'll do as a demonstration of Duncan's prowess. Shit, this post was intended to be a celebration of Phil Brown getting the sack but fate conspired against me in the form of Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink so tonight is a night for not gettin' whatcha want.

The Fourth Kind? Decent enough, 'spose, if only because Jovovich is so damned fit and it managed to combine the premises of 2 of 2009's biggest duds - Knowing and Paranormal Activity - into something watchable, but an owl? A friggin' owl? Not even an owl which looks like it's talking like in the Ms. Jackson video or an owl with crap special effects eyes like the possessed cat at the end of Amityville 4? Pfffttt. Ante up next time, motherfuckers.

Thursday 5 November 2009

The NWA (+ extended family) and Arsenio chronicles

Thank fuck TheMeaningOfDope announced it'll be returning from its extended sabbatical soon, as we've spent precious time we could be watching old wrestlin' videos on Youtube being eaten into by having to scour it for tv performances by rappers ourselves.

Tribe and L.O.N.S's performance of Scenario is probably the most famous Arsenio appearance as it marked Busta down as a future star with a predilection for stupid fucking hats, but my favourite performances are the NWA related ones. Since the Straight Outta Compton line-up and Cube solo never appeared we start with :

West Coast Rap All-Stars - All In The Same Gang

Basically the west coast's Stop The Violence as organised by Davrosed-out founding Crip member Michael Concepcion, who was trying to broker the infamous peace-treaty between the Bloods and Crips at the time. Although it features the likes of Ice-T, King Tee, Digital Underground and MC Hammer, it's a who's-who? of the Ruthless Records roster in 1990 : JJ Fad, Michel'le, NWA, Eazy E, Above The Law (thankfully we were spared Tarrie B as this was a good 2 years before Eazy signed her), with Dre on the beat. Interestingly Dre and Ren were billed together as NWA and Eazy was billed as a solo artist on here. It seems almost inconceivable now that Dre was merely the Scott Hall to Ren's Kevin Nash of the post-Cube NWA, but Eazy was Hollywood Hogan status in them days. Continuing the n.W.o analogy to its strained conclusion, Jerry was Bischoff, while Yella was Virgil.

NWA - intervew and 100 Miles And Runnin'

Eazy's silent as a churchmouse in a straight jacket and Jsson mask with a Raiders beanie, Dre's as awkward in front of the camera as ever, Yella's just there twiddling with thumbs like every DJ does on tv, so Ren becomes the main mouthpiece for the group in the interview here, which is fair enough really since he became the best rapper in the group after Cube's departure. Seriously, dude fuckin' ripped joints like Real N*ggaz and originated the broomsticks-up-the-butt threats in rap which Beanie Sigel would use to excellent effect over a decade later . Anyway, the performance of 100 Miles And Runnin' itself is gimmick-free and, crucially, proves that west coast Gang$ta-rappers are the only people who've ever looked good in Chambray jackets. Knock it off, the rest of y'all.

Eazy E - interview and Real Compton G's

If you spent the duration of your first Arsenio interview in a straight jacket and hockey mask how can you top it? By doing the 2nd buck-nekkid bar a bathrobe, a pair of Locs and a Compton hat while sitting next to Krs One, obviously. Eazy sends some piercing zingers at Dre regarding Dre's studio gangstadom, Rimmel clad World Class Wrecking Crew past and royalty payment situation, but the highlight is the performance of Real Compton G's with Dresta & B.G. Knocc Out and Yella as the hypeman. It's suprising that such a motley bunch of potheads could deliver a flawless rendition of the clean version of Real Muthaphukkin' G's and, although clean versions of Gang$ta-Rap classics are a pet hate of mine, this is my favourite Arsenio performance. Dresta and B.G. Knocc Out also deliver a masterclass on how plaid shirts (Gotta be either Dickies or Pendleton) should be sported.

Snoop - freestyle

Like Cube, Dre never appeared on Arsenio as a solo artist, despite the fact he had at least 300 singles on Death Row, so we'll have to make do with the next best thing : Snoop in a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey freestlying over a loosely funked-up version of The Message played by Arsenio's in-house band and mentioning Eazy by name. Don't think I've ever seen Arsenio as open as he gets when his band kick into the groove of The Message.

Snoop - Tha Shiznit

It's difficult to pick a favourite song from Doggy Style : Gin And Juice will forever be the anthem which is so universal it can even induce hysteria in white-trash birds, Lodi Dodi is simultaneously the finest Slick Rick tribute and cover version in the history of rap, For All My N*ggaz And Bitches, G'z And Hustlaz and Pump Pump are that Gusto from CB4 type hardcore shit, but Tha Shiznit is the one which has gotten the most rewinds over the years. So, it's particularly annoying that Arsenio's trademark effects have left this performance looking like a Fritz Lang flick. Black & White was the perfect medium for movies such as Metropolis, M, Scarlet Street and The Big Heat; Snoop tv performances with Tha Dogg Pound on hypeman duties? Eh, not so much.

Sunday 1 November 2009

Martorial elegance # 36

De La were wrong : you can't do anything; You've always gotta know your limits. Rollins proved as much back in his Flag days with his delusions of grandeur, brought about by successfully pulling off items of clothing you'd generally associate with the moustacioed member of Frankie Goes To Hollywood like painted on short-shorts and teabag-vests, which came to a sudden halt when he hit the plated glass ceiling awaiting the more adventurous dresser with an almighty thud and took a Boba Fett styled tumble into the Great Pit Of What-Was-I-Thinking? Carkoon as he attempted The Cowell :

It's a look which has seen many a fly mahfucker fall on their sartorial sword, as it conjures up images of the Care-In-The-Community goobers usually found using the internet in public libraries and the potential serial killers with flasks seen loitering around provincial railway stations, but it's also a look which a select few have managed to come correct with. O - u mad they styled on u, Henry???

Willie in Stranger Than Paradise :

The logical continuation of the Johnny-Boy, John Lurie was the coolest white man on the planet with his high-waisted kecks, leather and trilby outfit in Jim Jarmusch's 1984 debut feature. Alas, 20 odd years later the look was bastardised by Pete Doherty and then had the nails hammered squarely into its coffin by fucking Blake Civil Poncey Cunt.

Ice-T :

Ice-Tracy was so cool back in the eighties and early nineties that, not only could he get away with having a girls name, but he could've sported a Dudley "Booger" Dawson get-up and he'd have still had white guys from the UK dreaming of hittin' their high school end of term disco decked out in a JJB Sports bought variation of the outfit.

Terry Hall :

Any member of The Specials would have done here, but Terry was just that tad cooler than his bandmates and his successful wearing of The Cowell was all the more remarkable given that he was the lankiest guy in the group.

Sport in Taxi Driver :

Harvey Keitel as Sport walks into a bar and sez "the highballs are on me". *Rim shot*. Scientists are still working on how Harvey Keitel's Sport had the audacity to tell De Niro's Travis that he didn't "look hip" given that Travis was a doyen of understated Americana cool, but Sport somehow manages to the rock the whole Ayo, money - did Arnold Schwarzenegger pull your pants up for you? extreme Cowell look with pure macked-out street swag.

Anybody in a Jamel Shabazz, Martha Cooper or Henry Chalfant photo :

Man, dudes in seventies NYC were all poor as fuck so they lived on some a solitary cheese sandwich a day type rationing. Consequently, they were so skinny they looked incredible in any item of gear no matter how they wore it. Is poverty and starvation a decent tradeoff for sartorial-nirvana? I 'unno, but you gotta admit you'd probably sell non vital bodyparts to look this cool.

Daisy Duke :

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words. Or, in this instance, a hastily typed paragraph of babble since collating this post took way longer than I expected and seeing Catherine Bach all Daisyed-out here has given me a raging stiffy I need to satiate before my lift arrives to go see Saw VI in ten minutes. Toodles.