Tuesday 31 March 2009

Martorial elegance # 17

You have a Barry's pants, m'lord. I'll wager those shin skimming hems have never had to feel the jagged hardness of an ankle bone rubbin' against 'em on the rain sodden streets of Manchester.

You know how after This Is England came out you started to see emo kids suddenly dressin' like skinheads in bomber jackets and dockers? I'm thinkin' shorty here has taken it a step further and is going for the Oxfam flid chic Shaun has at the start of the film when when he's getting excoriated by all and sundry for his kecks on his way to school and in the playground.

Kudos to Killa Barratt for the snap. Some Too $hort would be wholly appropriate right about now.

Too $hort featuring MC Breed - Fuck My Car

Friday 27 March 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever part 3

This week scientists suggested that eating chicken regularly may slightly decrease the chances of developing cancer, which is rather handy as about the only thing the rapidly fracturing cold dystopia that we call the internet can agree on it's that on the 8th day god created chicken.

But our fine feathered fowl friends have uses beyond fast food designed to tickle our taste-bud g-spots as Charlie Sheen's crossbow wielding character Topper Harley found out in Rambo-spoof flick Hot Shots Part Deux (a rare superior sequel a la Evil Dead 2, The Godfather Part 2 and Empire Strikes Back) when he ran out of arrows to shoot at the Iraq terrorist who emerged from the hut in the camp Topper and his motley band of freedom fighting mercenaries have ilfiltrated and had to....improvise :

(Full scene here from 6:30 onwards should you want to see Topper running out of arrows by being blighted with a bout of Robbie Keane in the 6 yard box-ish accuracy).

Bonus chicken related beats :

Project Pat's finest moment.

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Surf dudes with attitude

But i ain't talkin' about them chaps from 90s Yank teen-com California Dreams.

So, as the sun begins to steadily rise out of the miasma we call British winter time it's wriiten into the rap bloggaz bible that thou must make a topical west coast post urging your readers to bump some G-Funk because it's, like, also sunny in California so they should listen to It Was A Good Day or Regulate on the bus when it's going over some speedbumps and pretend that they're hittin' switches in a six fo' cadi' driving down Crenshaw Boulevard.

The Southern Hospitality homies posted links to Mac Dre and Thizz Nation's TReal parts one & two documentaries on Google Video the other day and, naturally, i wouldn't wanna break rap-blog tradition so it's time for the token spring time Martorialist post featuring a grip of west coast jams.

Husalah - Sleep With Da Fishes

Tucked away on the rather poor 2006 Mob Trial compilation by Andre Nickatina & Mob Figaz was this gem by the hugely entertaining Husalah. I've pondered on how to describe this tune for all of 30 seconds now and the best i can come up with is that it's simply some bombastic gang$ta shit. I'd add the prerequisite FREE HUSALAH! here but A-Wax's relentless HUSALAH SNITCHED campaign is fairly damning.

Compton's Most Wanted - Duck Sick

The Hood Took Me Under is CMW's most anthemic moment but this is their most macked-out and DJ Mike T's cuttin'-up on here is vicious. Rap has gone on to more acerbic and violent heights since this was released in 1990 but "I heard you did a show for ya mom's tapedeck" remains a timeless dis guaranteed to puncture the very essence of a man's soul.

Nate Dogg - I Got Love

There was a remix of this with Fabolous, Kurupt and someone else but who really wants to hear them phoning in verses when you can listen to Nate doing his thang on his finest solo moment, from 2001? Nate himself has been rather ill during recent times so i'd usually offer up a keep your head up here but a hold your head type sentiment to a double stroke victim might be in slightly poor taste.

CPO featuring MC Ren - Ballad Of A Menace

Back in 1990 i was a huge NWA stan like every other cracker who listened to rap but i completely slept on the To Hell And Black album by MC Ren's pet-project group CPO until years later when my pal Chek put me up on it during a roadtrip. CPO were far more CMW than NWA from their more sombre tone to their love of Isaac Hayes samples to their savage scratching and this is the best track from their one and only album.

Tha Eastsidaz - Bacc On The Blocc

Snoop's long since become a parody figure but you can never quite count him out as he can still come up with the odd moment of brilliance like his his hilarious movie Boss'n Up, his tunes with The Neptunes on production duties, that Cali Iz Activ track with Tha Dogg Pound, the unfuckwithable Sexual Eruption or this synth thumper with his group of weedcarriers Tha Eastsidaz from 2006.

San Quinn featuring J.T Tha Bigga Figga - The Hustle Continues

The best tune on San Quinn's second cd from 1996. Low budget squelchy Bay Area G-Funk with San Quinn and J.T recounting how the hustle is a daily grind every man must endure should he want to live la dolce vita. Their everyday hustle is slightly more exciting than yours and mine though as it involves bouncin' in drop tops, poppin' multiple hoes and stackin' thousands.

Sunday 22 March 2009

Martorial elegance # 16

If i were king of the world i'd enforce a law that any generic shitbird who wears sandals or flip-flops should face a punishment of either being beaten to a pulp with socks filled with jagged rocks or weighed down with breezeblocks and then tossed off (no Pee Wee Herman) into the murky, shitty waters of the docks.

Men's feet are disgusting parts of the male anatomy which should never be on display in public. Well, unless they belong to the mysterious 4 toed foot statue from Lost, of course, but as we found out a few weeks back, that might not be the foot of a bloke, might it?

Big Boi ft. Killer Mike & Jay Z - Flip Flop Rock

Friday 20 March 2009

Got a dime bitch that live in Japan

If lovin' Sean Price's Monkey Barz LP more than any of the old 90s BBC releases is wrong, then I don't wanna be right. 2005 was a year chocked full of incredible rap singles but, damn, Sean more than held his own with these two :

Sean Price ft. Tek - Onion Head

Sean Price - Boom Bye Yeah

But why on earth didn't he put the b. side from the Boom Bye Yeah 12" on Monkey Barz I don't know, because 60 Bar Dash was my shit. If Busta could get away with having a Diamond D beatjack for one of his man singles the year after, then Sean should've been able to get away with putting this on his album in 2005.

Sean Price - 60 Bar Dash

Anybody have an mp3 of it?

Wednesday 18 March 2009

Motherf**kin' Charlie Bronson and the Statham paradox.

When at the cinema to peruse Bronson yesterday i happened to chance upon the trailer for Crank 2 : High Voltage during the deluge of clips for upcoming movies that VUE flood you with.

See, i'm feeling the concept - bloke who dies and has his heart replaced by a car battery which needs recharging constantly who then has a limited amount of time to find his old heart who some quack mate of his will pop back in for him - and some of the action looks glorious but it's fucking Jason Statham, innit? Give this movie to Vin Diesel and it'd be a contender for the best film of 2009; Give it to the god Steven Seagal and it'd be up there with Bad Boys 2 and The Bourne Ultimatum as far as noughties action flicks go; Give it to Jason Statham and it'll be a movie i'll NEVER watch under any circumstance. Oh what a difference a shit mockney jobber makes.

Bronson was a decent enough watch. Obviously not worthy of being mentioned alongside A Clockwork Orange, Scum or Chopper as some reviews have suggested but nor is it worthy of comparisons to generic mockney movies with are little more than a bunch of luvvies calling each other facking caaants for 90 odd minutes either. It's merely a decent enough biopic. Here's 4 reasons why :

1. Unless you've got Joey Deacon at the helm it's pretty much impossible to fuck up a basic biopic flick and Tom Hardy plays Bronson exactly as we've seen him in various documentaries and tv interviews.

2. During the naked scenes i couldn't help but notice that his flaccid cock was significently smaller than mine. Result!

3. The theatrical narrative elevates it beyond your bogstandard sub-Guy Ritchie Brit flick and during the prison scenes i was reminded of Oz, which can never be a bad thing.

4. Seeing a luxuriantly moustached man with a penchant for Charles Bronson issuing out threats and dolling out beatings to all and sundry made me think of Metin AKA Mr D threatening Morton Road smackheads and going apeshit on the bus when taking on a gang of young scallywags single handedly.

I'll fooken' set 'em all on fire heh heh heh.

Shellac - Jailbreak

Friday 13 March 2009

MF Doom's best track since the glory days of Operation Doomsday?

I've been pretty much disappointed by everything MF Doom has dropped since Operation Doomsday aside from the odd tune here and there and Madvillain, which took a while to worm its way into my brain as i'm a square who thought Doom only excelled over his own beats, so i was fairly indifferent about his new album, but i'm pleasantly suprised that i've liked everything which has leaked from it so far, with the exception of that new version of the Ghostface tag-team Angelz with the clunky tagged-on drums which make it lumber where it once soared.

This got me thinking what his best post-Operation Doomsday tune is. You don't have to be Gail Grimble (Palin is so 2008, darling; It's all about Trimble in 2009) to know that it's I Hear Voices part 2 but that'd be too obvious a choice and, besides, it doesn't count as it was on the reissue of Op' Doomsday. Madvillain is great but it works better as something you experience as a whirlwind whole as opposed to singling out specific tracks.

Fast Lane with Kurious from the King Geedorah album is magnificent but that's also disqualified due to it not having Doom rapping on it, so his finest post-Operation Doomsday moment has gotta be Mic Line, his solo track from the otherwise woeful Monsta Island Czars group album :

MF Doom - Mic Line

Where does that sample come from? Isn't it some Stevie Wonder cover which was on that Bobbito & DJ Spinna mix?

Wednesday 11 March 2009

Short dog's in the house

I knew Curren$y was short but i thought he was more Prodigy and Havoc than Bushwick Bill. Apparently not :

Should his rap career not provide prosperous enough to keep him in jeans brought from the pre-teen section then there'll always be a role for him in the inevitable Time Bandits remake which will probably happen within the next couple of years.

Anywho, i'm rather feelin' his latest tune. Less of that Lupe-lite bullshit he's been doing since his split from Ca$h Money Records (though only a true curmudgeon could deny the cover concept of his Fast Times At Ridgemont Fly mixtape) and more Clipse-esque (those haunted forrest oboes are pure Hell Hath No Fury) by the way of vintage N.O with a laconic drawl that's vaguelly reminiscent of Young Bleed replacing his usual slightly gay lithpy voice. More of this cold gang$ta shit please, Curren$y.

Curren$y - Scared Of Monsters

And on the subject of rappers with dollar signs in their name who've been left in limbo by Ca$h Money Records here's an underrated favourite song of mine by All $tar. Just give me some introspective melancholy southern gang$ta-rap and i'm happier than a chinaman in a trigonometry competition.

All $tar - Keep Doing My Thing

Sunday 8 March 2009

Martorial elegance # 14

How very apt that his ring-of-Saturn balloon headband has twisted itself into the shape of an impaled cocks 'n' balls.

According to Claire Tits this Thunderbirds puppet resembling streak of piss is on the sex offenders register. Now, perhaps this salacious rumour is merely a filthy lie intended to besmirch the character of an innocent bloke but here at The Martorialist we subscribe to the theory of guilty-until-proven-otherwise and should it transpire that he's not a kiddie fiddler then he's still commited the heinous crime of being a bum-bag wearing crackhead street entertainer who has a ponytail, which is just as bad as trying to lure young kids onto the tip of his cock with promises of balloon animals and sweeties.

Our real beef here, however, stems from the fact that he has a black girlfriend. Granted she's smokin' hubba rocks too but can you believe that shit? Every time a black chick dates some dirtbag chocolate-shark cracker a microcosm of the universe's swirling soul evaporates forever thus sending us all a little closer to cosmic-oblivion.

Turf Talk ft. San Quinn & Mac Dre - Hubba Rock

Wednesday 4 March 2009

Martorial elegance # 13

Yeah, so we're kinda feelin' the reemergence of the Ushanka because anything has to be better than seeing waves of fucking N-Dubz hats every time you step outside your front door but a purplely blue felt flasher-trenchcoat and some techy New Balance runners?

Together as one outfit?

With the possibility of the woman being in her birthday suit underneath?

Curtains - It's The Shoes

Kudos to Killa B for the pic.

Monday 2 March 2009

Teach da babies, Cameron


On a lighter note, in your time away, the phrase “no homo” really took off. You’ve been a trendsetter. At the same time, as you took this time away, did at any point, you think that phrase got out of hand?


Nah. Like I said, ‘cause it isn’t like people didn’t know where it originated from. A couple times it was crazy, ‘cause a friend of mine’s son is like three or four. [He] thought Lil Wayne made up “no homo,” but the younger kids are gettin’ into it too, like infants are no-homoing.

Sunday 1 March 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever part 2

There's nowt quite like a good legging, is there? When i go jogging and i'm literally breathing out of my arse after about 15 minutes i like to nullify the pain by reminiscing on my misspent youth with the times we used to get legged by various Mandog family members after pelting their house with eggs and calling the Mandog-mum a fat inbred slag to get me through the burn-barrier that every runner hits.

A far less healthy but infinately more enjoyable option would be to feel the exhilaration of the chase, sans the unpleasant knackering side-effects or possibility of being caught by an irate mong who wants to chin you in revenge for casting aspersions on whether his mother fornicated with her brother to produce him, by simply watching the running chase scene featuring the Wanderers and the Fordham Baldies from the long forgotten 1979 flick about 60s gangs The Wanderers :

5 reasons why this is the apex of movie chase scenes :

1. Dago Wanderers gang members getting legged through a labyrinth of Bronx tennement courtyards, passageways and backstreets by shaven headed WASP Baldies gang members after Joey Wanderer has the nerve to compare the Baldies to pricks with ears. Or is it ears without pricks?

2. Wanderers head honco Richie blowing off the broad that he's balls-deep in in a well intentioned but ultimately wasted effort to come to the aid of his fellow Wanderers only to end up getting legged himself when he learns that it's the universally feared Baldies chasing them.

3. Wipe-Out by The Surfari's soundtracking the epic legging.

4. Perry AKA the low-rent sub-Stallone Itallian Stallion who would later find fame as Meat in Porky's (he was briefly in Die Hard 2 too as the fake construction worker who shoots the guy in the church) appearing from nowhere to rescue the cornered, outnumbered Wanderers by going Iron-Mike on a slew of Baldies, including the chap who would later go on to become Horace Pinker in Shocker/Skinner in the X Files.

5. The matchpick chewing Perry and the Fat Joe resembling Baldies Boss Terror indulging in a poker-faced, narrow-eyed Leone-esque stand off before..well, you'll have to watch it to find out the valediction but it's all about the journey, darling.

Ghostface ft. Jadakiss - Run