Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Motherf**kin' Charlie Bronson and the Statham paradox.

When at the cinema to peruse Bronson yesterday i happened to chance upon the trailer for Crank 2 : High Voltage during the deluge of clips for upcoming movies that VUE flood you with.

See, i'm feeling the concept - bloke who dies and has his heart replaced by a car battery which needs recharging constantly who then has a limited amount of time to find his old heart who some quack mate of his will pop back in for him - and some of the action looks glorious but it's fucking Jason Statham, innit? Give this movie to Vin Diesel and it'd be a contender for the best film of 2009; Give it to the god Steven Seagal and it'd be up there with Bad Boys 2 and The Bourne Ultimatum as far as noughties action flicks go; Give it to Jason Statham and it'll be a movie i'll NEVER watch under any circumstance. Oh what a difference a shit mockney jobber makes.

Bronson was a decent enough watch. Obviously not worthy of being mentioned alongside A Clockwork Orange, Scum or Chopper as some reviews have suggested but nor is it worthy of comparisons to generic mockney movies with are little more than a bunch of luvvies calling each other facking caaants for 90 odd minutes either. It's merely a decent enough biopic. Here's 4 reasons why :

1. Unless you've got Joey Deacon at the helm it's pretty much impossible to fuck up a basic biopic flick and Tom Hardy plays Bronson exactly as we've seen him in various documentaries and tv interviews.

2. During the naked scenes i couldn't help but notice that his flaccid cock was significently smaller than mine. Result!

3. The theatrical narrative elevates it beyond your bogstandard sub-Guy Ritchie Brit flick and during the prison scenes i was reminded of Oz, which can never be a bad thing.

4. Seeing a luxuriantly moustached man with a penchant for Charles Bronson issuing out threats and dolling out beatings to all and sundry made me think of Metin AKA Mr D threatening Morton Road smackheads and going apeshit on the bus when taking on a gang of young scallywags single handedly.

I'll fooken' set 'em all on fire heh heh heh.

Shellac - Jailbreak

1 comment:

brad said...

t.r.o.y have a rip of the unreleased beatnuts ep, mate