Thursday 31 May 2012

Martorial elegance # 62

Man, can you believe the Disrespectful Radio podcast posse had the gall to front on R. Kelly's matching Hawaiian ensemble from the Fiesta remix when they were discussing his best video outfits in the latest episode? C'mon, fellas - not only did he have the shirt and pants, but he even had the correlating bandana :

As a mid-thirty something white male who resides in a country which gets about ten days of genuine summer per annum, I couldn't really pull off such an outfit without being besieged with "TIMMY MALLET LOL" comments from sartorial luddites, but please believe ya boy Il Al Shipley right chea was channelling Kellz when wearing red R.L shirts with the summer 2011 POLO wine flower print Hawaiian polo tee out to a bar over the weekend :

Should probably point out that Jay-Z's verse on the Fiesta remix and Pussy from his Best Of Both Worlds album with Kellz are the only Hova it's acceptable to now listen to in 2012.

Tuesday 29 May 2012

Ring ring dat's da phone, who is it?

Ayo 'O Capone, it's the blog game James Gribble in series one of Round The Twist AKA Tom Breihand Of The Dead Body here wondering if your Iced Out My Lighthouse project with Riff Raff has gone the way of Wayne & Juelz's I Can't Feel My Face and other similar touted collaborations which are simply never going to happen? Since we haven't heard a peep from y'all as a duo since Snowing White Women six months ago are we to presume that Riff Raff's new bloodsucking buddy Diplo has scuppered the chances of Swag-Rap finally getting the post-modern Get Ya Mind Correct it deserves?

TKO Capone - Obviously
(From Tropical Swaggin' Duh mixtape; 2011)

I was gonna say something about Riff Raff becoming Diplo's latest plaything/a viral sensation/the muse for James Franco in Harmony Korine movies as TKO Capone's mixtapes languish on under four thousand downloads apiece on DatPiff very vaguely mirrors Wayne's ascendance to superstar status as Juelz went into commercial decline, but then happened to notice that Louis Gucci has eight million views on Youtube whilst Riff Raff has yet to hit a million on any of his solo videos; an act of number fixing or did someone just post Louis Gucci on a Harry Potter forum?

Monday 28 May 2012

Reasons why I love Youtube # 24

So we can preserve the time Mark B & Blade appeared on Top Of The Pops with that bloke from Feeder for future generations to bawk at. With all the vocal and verbal dexterity of John Barnes on World In Motion, international Martorialist readers, please meet Blade: the longtime doyen of "real UK hip hop" and habitual espouser of a no sell-out philosophy who jumped at the chance at making some of that student union loot with a Indie-rock remix the second the idea was presented to him by his record label in 2000:

If you've ever wondered why you've never seen any UK Rap posted on this blog then this video is your answer in a nutshell: all the pizazz of Eric B. & Rakim and N.W.A stripped away to leave a fat 40 year old Turkish brickie celebrating his ordinariness and moaning about Americans treating him like a laughing stock. We'll let Mark B off the hook here because he once produced a Missin' Linx banger, but there are only two differences between this song and a comedy UK Rap record like Roland Rat & Kevin The Gerbil's Rat Rappin' (officially the first Rap record to derive from outside of America and the first Rap record I ever bought): Blade doesn't appear to be in on the joke on his track (and, indeed, career), and his performance here makes Roland Rat & Kevin The Gerbil sound like OutKast circa-1994 in comparison:

Roland Rat ft. Kevin The Gerbil - Rat Rappin'
(From Rat Rappin' single; 1983)

Sunday 27 May 2012

Martorial elegance # 61

Drew Huge's Def Chef column might be no more since the demise of HHC magazine, but its spirit lives on in the form of a Slick Rick cupcake :

Friday 25 May 2012

Chi boyz goin' wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild

Never one to blow my own horn, can I get a toot-toot and can I get a beep-beep from the peanut gallery because it was Ya boy Richie Tre Mane AKA Anthony Fantastic Damage right chea who called this song by Lil Durk & Fredo Santana as the song which best embodies everything great about Chi-Town's new wave of deadpan young thugs in 2012 last month, and that sentiment seems even more poignant now it's become Chicago's latest smash viral single :

Lil' Durk ft. Fredo Santana - Wild N***as
(From I'm Still A Hitta mixtape; 2012)

Thursday 24 May 2012

Big bank take lil' bank

This is fantastic, particularly for those of us who only ever heard Nextel Chirp by Maceo and somehow managed to completely miss Hoe Sit Down, but what's hannenin' with including the Fabo-less version of Trap Squad's What's Happenin'? Wrong move, DJ Showtime and DJ Blaze :

Trap Squad ft. Fabo of D4L - What's Happenin'
(From mixtapes/12"; 2006)

Best song of the Snap era?

Greatest movie scenes ever # 45

Jacking this one from Thomas : Messy Marv integrates Shaggy's It Wasn't Me with The Ghetto's Tryin' To Kill Me by Master P & Silkk :

Messy Marv ft. some uncredited R&B dude - What Mess Talkin' About
(From Cake And Ice Cream Volume 3 mixtape; 2012)

This cut isn't so much the Rap Game Mario Balloteli, more the Rap Game that bit in Chopper where Mark headbutts Tanya's mum and then blames Tanya for it :

"Have a look what you've done.... have a look what you've gone and done..... your mum's upset!"

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Katie got bangz

Can't believe nobody has ever made a GIF of her infamous pistol toting scene from Shady's Go In video before now :

Important K.G.B update : in recent weeks Katie has been compared to a potato, Caillou, Maino and The Brain from Arthur in the I Need A Hitta comment section.

Tuesday 22 May 2012

A Max Minelli compilation 4 u

Young Bleed ft. C-Loc & Maxminelli - Better Than The Last Time
(From My Balls And My Word album; 1998)

If you're not up to speed on Baton Rogue's original exponent of "I'm a ordinary person but I'm paid!"-Raps then there's no better way to acquaint yourselves with Max Minelli/Maxminelli than Better Than The Last Time, which is essentially a Max song bookended by small supporting roles from C-Loc and Young Bleed. If you are familiar with Better Than The Last Time and the rest of Max's cameo verses on My Balls And My Word but you've still never bothered to delve any deeper into his admittedly vast catalogue then here's a quick primer compilation made up of ten of my favourite Minelli joints from his solo albums.

Specialising in the sort of everyman Country-Rap that's now become shorthand for Joe-The-Rapper earnestness thanks to its more modern apostles like Big K.R.I.T, Max avoids the pitfalls which plague most of K.R.I.T's material due to his old fashioned hard-nosed arrogance, his sense of humour ("watch how they jock my style/mayne, I kicked more bitches out than Destiny' Child"), his sharp wordplay ("I stay fresh ta death but that's so irrelevant/the same closet I hang up my clothes I keep skeletons") and the varied production of his main beatsmith, Baton Rogue minor-genius Happy Perez.

In summary, Max doesn't Rap like an ol' Bud Fox's dad-soundin' ass bluecollar bore, the production he uses successfully apes Mannie Fresh and Beats By The Pound as well as Pimp C and N.O Joe and even hints at the Lex Luger Trap-banger with Thug Thang remix, and this compilation is a pretty swell little introduction to him if I do say so myself :

Max Minelli - Illmaxic

1. Max Minelli - My First Verse
2. Max Minelli ft. C-Loc - Whas Hapnin' Thug
3. Max Minelli - Dyin' To Come Back
4. Max Minelli ft. Boo Rossini - Immuh
5. Max Minelli - R.N.S
6. Max Minelli ft. Boo Rossini & Boosie - Throw It Up
7. Max Minelli ft. Russell Lee - We Run Dis
8. Max Minelli ft. Mystikal - Thug Thang remix
9. Max Minelli - I'm That N*gga
10. Max Minelli - Louisiana Sky


Monday 21 May 2012

Skip, we love you

Perhaps we're biased because we used to have a dog called Skippy or maybe we're simply just huge fans of Juvenile's weedcarriers, but whenever the Martorialist posse notice that U.T.P member Skip has new music out we feel compelled to give it a listen. There's a song on Skip's new Happy Motherfuckers Day mixtape by the name of Concrete Jungle which is probably the worthiest pick on there since it distils the various sounds of New Orleans into a carnival companion to Juve's early street-talk classic Jivin', but, ever lowbrow and proud, we're drawn to Bandana like it's got us in a tractor beam made from the fumes of the soft-toed Reebok classics Juve and his mate who looks like Bodie from The Wire wave around in the air in the Solja Rag video :

Skip ft. Wacko - Bandana
(From Happy Motherfuckers Day mixtape; 2012)

Note to all Nolia Rappers : make songs which sound like lost instrumentals Soulja Slim would've Rapped over with lyrics about wearing camouflage rags and we're guaranteed to post them on The Martorialist.

Saturday 19 May 2012

No samples cleared

In no specific order, the top five greatest Rap songs of the nineties that were somehow hijacked by sample clearance : the original version of AZ's Your World Don't Stop, G'z Up Hoes Down by Snoop, TRU's Smokin' Green, Nothing Move But The Money by Smif-N-Wessun, and this, the original version of Gang Starr's Japan-only bonus cut Doe In Advance with the Ohio Players sample which was eventually released 6 years later as the B. Side to the only Big Shug single its acceptable to own :

Gang Starr - Doe In Advance (original version)
(From Hard To Earn sessions; 1994/The Jig Is Up 12"; 2000)

Posting this today for three reasons : because I woke up with the "like Max Julian I'm the authentic Max" line in my head this morning, because I wish Guru and Primo would've sacrificed both F.A.L.A and Comin' For Datazz on the Hard To Earn tracklisting to include this so the album could've ended on a high instead of just petering out after Mostly Tha Voice, and because we still need to know whether Guru and Solar were buggering each other since a Rapper of Guru's standing deserved far better than the cock of a glorified Soundclick producer. If only Guru and Mister Cee's eyes had met in the Hot 97 toilets one day back in 2003 when Gang Starr were on the verge of disbanding things could've turned out so differently. C'est la vie, c'est la vie.

Friday 18 May 2012


A gentleman's agreement permitted me from posting a downloadable MP3 of this yesterday since its going up on iTunes for sale, but now its sneaked its way to Youtube its pretty much fair game. 2012's most anticipated Rap song is finally here and its even better than the snippets suggested :

King Louie - Val Venis
(From Dope And Shrimp album; 2012)

Sure, dedicating a song to Val Venis instead of Ravishing Rick Rude is as ass backwards as calling Razor Ramon the poor man's Carlito, but Louie gets a pass on this one since he's under the age of 30 so he pro'lly just remembers the Ravishing One as "dook who was on Raw and Nitro on the same night back in 1997". This and I Don't Like need to square off for the rest of the year and see which of them emerges victorious as thee Chicago anthem of 2012.

In other news related to odes to white ppl icons by Rappers, the highlight of N.O.R.E's latest otherwise underwhelming mixtape recently became a viral single, with Gordo who sips the Champagne that's impordo being one of the few Rappers who can justice to a song called Kenny Powers given his beerbelly and penchant for ig'nant gibberish. *Kay Slay voice* - "ONLY N.O.R.E COULDA DID THIS, YO!!!" :

N.O.R.E - Kenny Powers
(From Crack On Steroids mixtape; 2012)

The O.G slime went from buyin' out the bar at the white boy club to havin' the most disrespectful white in town. Given that he's been washed up since his unfortunate experiment with Reggaeton, his knack of somehow managing to knock out two N.Y classics a year every year since 2008 is something we should all be grateful for.

Thursday 17 May 2012

Ayo ANU # 2

What's your take on Boo's 601 now we've finally heard it, mon ami? I'm thinkin' Ima is one of the great Concentration Camp tag-team cuts and my Camp compilation now feels incomplete without it:

"Now Ima Hennessey sipper
can make a dollar triple
can take a innocent hoe and let the homies flip her
pierced clits and nipples? We'll let you fuck quicker
if you had Boss game you wouldn't need change to get her"

Boo ft. Lay-Lo - Ima
(From 601 album; 1999)

Whether it's mugshots or magazines we all in the picture! Pity Boo & Max Minelli didn't record more songs together because they had great chemistry on this and it's sequel Immuh from Max's Me & My Hustle album.

Wednesday 16 May 2012

The last Deal

It was a long, hard slog trawling through Bo Deal's previous two The Chicago Code mixtapes looking for those all elusive JAMS amongst the indistinguishable slew of post-Brick Squad generic bangers, but sitting through the pair of them was made worthwhile when coming across 2010's Bananas and last year's classic Safe Sex where Bo temporarily deviated from his his usual Trappin' For Dummies game plan to have some fun. Alas, the third installment's token party cut Clap is just aiight, but, HALLEJAH!, he's finally made a kosher Trap thumper that's as 'ard as G Check but which still manages to display some of the humour that made Bananas and Safe Sex go good :

"I'm a boss, I make the moves
I do what bitch n*ggas wanna do
post up on a n*gga block, strapped up with a hunnid tools
I'm Killa Klan, whether win or lose
B.S.M, whether win or lose
Bo Deal, I been a fool
y'all wastin' time like an interlude"

Bo Deal - N*gga Rich
(From The Chicago Code 3 : Revelations mixtape; 2012)

FYI bloggaz - N*gga Rich is way better than the 'tape's single with Waka and Chief Keef that some of all y'all have been championing recently.

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Reasons why I love Youtube # 23

Two for today. The first being a clip of very badly behaved Beastie Boys indeed performing (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party) live on Japanese TV in 1987 with a little help from Ricky Powell. Sexism, racism, homophobia, Mike D in a Stüssy t-shirt and a VW symbol chain, oriental hookers - this video truly has it all :

It's tempting to suggest that MCA became a Buddhist Dalai Lama-sympathiser in the 90s purely due to the guilt he felt after the "with your oriental pussy you can suck my dick" lyric switch they pulled in this performance.

And the second clip being A-Mafia's very secrete and very rare Mafia Anthem debut video from 2003. Song being out-of-sync with the video swag on a trillion gazillion :

A decent enough joint over the I Shot Ya/50 Shot Ya Lyn Collins break, but mainly notable for historical reasons as a video to fellow Dipset marks with it being the first time the Purple City crew of Agallah The Don Bishop, Shiest Bub and Un Kasa were caught together on camera and the moment where Un Kasa officially replaced Big L as the least threatening-looking Harlem thug Rapper of all time :

Monday 14 May 2012

Jim'll Fik It

I know a lot of y'all were all over I Am A Vampire like Klaus Kinski on Isabelle Adjani's neck, but if we're honest here it wasn't a particularly good song and most of you were just far too easily impressed by the notion of one of E-40's relatives Rapping about being a bloodsucking creature of the night when we live in a post-Twlight/True Blood world where even my 13 year old cousin can quote dialogue from The Lost Boys verbatim. Me, I've been patiently waiting for another Cousin Fik song as good as the title track of his first mixtape and, two years later, it's finally arrived :

"Right next door to Vallejo
them little projects in Rodeo
they'll turn your beanie cap to a halo
quick to *KNOCKA N*GGA DOWN, HOE!*

Cousin Fik - Knocka N*gga Down
(From teh internet; 2012)

That vocal sample is the handy gimmick around which Fik's bars revolve, but it's the juxtaposition of a nursery rhyme melody and old-school mobb muzik bass on this which make this such a slap. E-40 needs to get back into my good books after Block Brochure ended up being so pedestrian, so I suggest he makes another sequel to Carlos Rossi over a synth approximation of Ring-A-Ring O' Roses ASAP.

Mark Zuckerberg = officially a conduit for evil?

Stone the crows, fellas - Michael "Marlo Mike" Louding is on Facebook and, yup, it does appear to be a legitimate account!

So let's just get this straight here : Boosie isn't allowed to use a computer to record new music in prison, but a homicidal teenage hit man like Marlo Mike is free to post on Facebook and advertise his admiration for Ashton Kutcher and Christiano Ronaldo? This is why Zuckerberg will never be as loved as Tom from MySpace.

Speaking of Trill Ent. recording artistes, thought I'd throw up the MP3 ofLil' Phat's latest video single Countin' Money since it appeared on a recent Trap-A-Holics mixtape and hasn't made its way to the 'net as a loosie yet. As I type this, I'm preparing to contact Gawker to see if they'll commission me to write a 20, 000 word article on Lil' Phat and his uncanny resemblance to what a Special Needs version of Trugoy would probably look like :

Lil' Phat - Countin' Money
(From Trap Music : Playoffs Edition mixtape; 2012)

Saturday 12 May 2012

Beak Mill

"In my presence n*ggas better act orderly
outta-liners gettin' dealt with accordingly
pussy party ass n*ggas steady wildin' out
somebody hit him now that motherfucker hidin' out
I show respect and expect mines mutual
anything less could result in a funeral
life's too good to be lyin' inside a box
I'm with a bad bitch, we ridin' inside a drop
money on my head, but who gives a fuck?
the design on they red, who gettin' bucked?
arrows all on it pointin' to my face
me, motherfucker, me, more pies and cake
blowin' good weed, hair in the wind
I gotta make it to church, Lord knows that I sin
but Lord knows when I win I'ma do the right thing with my Devilish grin.."

Troy Ave ft. Mila Brown - Life's So Good
(From Bricks In My Backpack mixtape; 2010)

Quickly wanna point out that Troy Ave's Life's So Good is one of the few examples of N.Y throwback-Rap done right from the past couple of years being as it consciously uses the same Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes song as Azie's What's Going On, Black? and Mila Brown's crooning sounds like a vintage Vinia Mojica chorus. Whilst that new Cokeamania joint knocks, this and Dirty Martini are still Troy's best songs by a considerable distance.

So, possible future pseudonyms that Troy Ave AKA Harry Powder will go by then? Thus far I've got Sniff Tannen, Hubba Sparxxx, Michael Yay, White Schultz, Yayo Toure, Tone Coke, Pyrex Hunt, Yamuel Beckett, Bill Bricks and Michael Fishscale.

Friday 11 May 2012

A Foxx compilation 4 u

Foxx ft. Shizz - 3rd Person
(From Don't Work, Don't Eat album; 2012)

Rich Nigga still gets my vote as the highlight of Don't Work, Don't Eat, but ANU and Drake were both right to gravitate towards 3rd Person since it's the Rap game's answer to The Jimmy episode of Seinfeld and now that Gun Sounds-Rap has reached its apex with Gunplay's Jump Out Electronic Ca$h Counter-Rap needs to become the new sound du jour of southern Thug-Rap in 2012.

Because Foxx remains a perennially undervalued Rapper despite his charismatic personality, knack for songwriting and ownership to the deeds of Trill Ent's biggest hit, I done threw together a swift Best Of compilation comprised of cuts from his Street Gossip album and his My Haters Love Me Most, I'm Carolyn Son and Hemi Hemi Gone mixtapes. If the only Foxx-A-Mill you're familiar with is the Wipe Me Down remix and his cameos on Boosie and/or Webbie joints, then behold the Rapper who justifies crashing his car when driving home drunk from the club with the logically sound argument that he paid for the vehicle so he can do what he damn well wants with it :

Foxx - The Foxx Files

1. Rich N*gga
2. Gold Mouth Dog
3. Coogi Down
4. I Got It
5. Bed Wetter
6. 3rd Person (with Shizz)
7. Get On
8. I Hate My (with Miz Smurff)
9. Rubberband Knots (with Lil' Phat)
10. Like Me
11. Original
12. They Say
13. Stressed Out


Thursday 10 May 2012

Questions, questions, questions

How come east coast Rap music has become so utterly devoid of humour and why do I have to go looking to Chicago Rappers to post music from the last five years which carries on the fine traditions of funny, cocky everymen Rappers like Positive K and Vagina Diner-era Akinyele?

Is a certain first wave Rap blogger from Chicago actually now a shadowy industry P.R figure masquerading as an impartial journalist at Pitchfork, The Fader and Complex as the latest Blogger beef on Twitter suggested yesterday?

Isn't it a bit rich for Brendan Soderberg to accuse anyone of being a clandestine P.R guy when rumours swirl that he's on Codie G's payroll, and he clearly uses SPIN magazine as an outlet to push music by his Rapper buddies and continue his internet vendetta against A$AP Rocky's manager at the expense of innocent parties like the artists on A$AP Worldwide Records?

Is it okay for ya boy Dickie Tre Mane AKA Picture Me Rollie Pemberton right chea to post a Chicago Rap song today if it's from 4 years ago, and does Barry Mannilow know Cadence Weapon raids his wardrobe?

How ironic is it that Mic Terror's henchest performance and most traditional Rap-de-Rap song to date should've derived from a forgotten Imeem mixtape featuring a gaggle of otherwise mediocre tracks by 2008 Hypebeast-Rap Blog mainstays like Pac Div, The Cool Kids, Mickey Factz, Dom Kennedy and Kidz In The Hall?

Mic Terror - Get Off
(From Creme De La Creme : The Mixtape; 2008)

Wednesday 9 May 2012

Martorial elegance : Boosie edition # 9

That bird wot used to be in The Cardigans has been spending all of her royalties on Botox, GHD products, ol' Claire's Accessories assistant lookin' ass tattoos and ill-fitting Boosie hoodies?

TBH, I only ever use Facebook to keep tabs on the deluge of contempt from ethnic ppl that appears every time a Jacobs pops up in the Boosiejustice feed :

Martorial elegance # 60

Summer's finally here which means that it's t-shirt weather at the weekends until it turns chilly and starts raining after 6 and you end up caught out there cold and drenched in a pub beer garden cursing humanity and scheming on jacking some pudwhapper for their jacket when they've gone for a piss.

If you wanna live a tad less trifely but still bear arms on drizzly summer nights, then scoot over to COBRASWAG and feast your eyes upon Nyquil's collection of Rap tall tees. You'll never have to worry about getting a wet arse from sitting on a damp bench again in one of these screenprinted muumuus, and the post will prepare you for an upcoming MARTORIALIST X COBRASWAG collaboration that's about to go down. Me and 'quil are more into white girls jacking their bodies than jacking poindexters for their Primark faux-Harringtons, dat's luv dere :

C-Loc ft. Boosie & Maxminelli - My Thug There
(From It's A Gamble album; 2000)

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Exit on mane street

While it's always worth highlighting the occasions when Guardian hacks and/or indie bands butcher the names of Rappers or Rap albums in print, we should also fondly recall the times Questlove referred to the Sex Pistols' debut as Never Mind The Bullocks and dubbed a certain ex-member of Roxy Music Brian Emo when namedropping random obvious rock albums/artists from Rolling Stone magazine's top 100 albums list that D'Angelo's long-awaited third album will be comparable to.

Because it's certainly within the realms of possibility that the D'Angelo album will drop before Detox, here are ten albums from the Rolling Stone/Mojo classic rockist album canon that esteemed music expert Questlove is bound to compare it to before the end of 2012. THAT SHIT IS GOING TO BE THE SOUL VERSION OF METAL MACHINE BOX by PiL COLLINS, SON!!!!!!!!

Blonde On The Tracks by Big Dylan

Pop Sounds by The Beatle Boys

Sgt. Beefheart's Lonely Magic Club Band by The Beachles

Icicle Weeks by Van Morrissey

Buggles Banquet by Rolling Stone Roses

Damages by Pink Flag

Hunky Doky by David Wowee Zowee

Dawn Side Of The Moon by Punk Floyd

Okie Computer by The Radioheads

At London Prison by Johnny Clash

Saturday 5 May 2012

Droppin' dead like Galileo dropped the orange


R.I.P to the Beastie who gave us their definitive lyric in "people come up to me and they try and talk shit/maaaaan, I was makin' records when you was suckin' your mother's dick!"

One third of Licensed To Ill and Paul's Boutique is dead, yet Joe Budden survived his own throat problems and is still Rapping and vlogging in 2012 - if there is a God he surely hates caucasians, huh?

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Jadakiss' Christian Bale in Batman voice on the I Don't Like remix


The upcoming remix of I Need A Hitta with King Louie, bitch, gon' be hot, gon' take flight.