Thursday 29 January 2009

Martorial elegance # 10

Here at The Martorialist we have a fondness for the curious breed of metallers who reside in a self-imposed bubble where nothing in the respective worlds of fashion and music existed before 1988 and nothing of note has happened since 1993.

Around 25% of the begrudging respect we have for the particular strain of metallers that this ham 'n' egger epitomises is due to a vague sense of comaradarie as we also rocked snow-camo kecks way back in 1991 as a Public Enemy obsessed young 'uns.

Another 25% of the reason why we hold this type of metaller in such favourable regard is accounted for because the 1989 to 1993 vacuum they inhabit actually was a pretty great era for metal.

But the main 50% of our slightly-involuntary appreciation for them is built up on a foundation of admiration that they just do not give a fuck if it's colder than Robert Mugabe's heart outside with The Thing type Antarctic degree conditions because NOTHING is going to stop them getting their cankles out via the help of their 3/4 length cut-off camo shorts. One can only applaud such bloody minded dedication to their aesthetic.

It's a cold world so the rest of all y'all bitch whiggaz best dress warm. Ain't shit changed since '93 til infinity.

Tuesday 27 January 2009

Martorial elegance # 9

Oh Mike - i don't even care that you now have the body of Matt Lucas but you went from shopping at Dapper Dan for Louis V. and MCM print jackets with Eric B. in the eighties to rockin' the sort of fly $5000 silk suits DeNiro rocked as Ace Rothstein in Casino in the nineties only to end up sporting high waisted relaxed-in-seat-and-thigh women's barry trousers from M&S and orthopedic shoes you bought from the News Of The World sunday supplement in the noughties.

Whut went wrong? Let's blame your boy Nigo.

Big Mike ft. Pimp C - Havin' Thangs

Sunday 25 January 2009

I take 'em 8 to 80 - blind, crippled and crazy

(No Jonathan Ross).

If ever there was a song which summed up the I Don't Care If You Wouldn't, I Would ethos then it would have to be No Ho'z Barred by PSK-13 featuring Point Blank, .38 and K-Rino. The genuine primal attraction to dirty rough slappers that pulsates deep inside every red-blooded male and an utter disdain for the concept of ladies who are considered guilty pleasures by normal standards are the genetic make-up of this, the track which here at The Martorialist we consider to be the ultimate ode to stank hoes.

PSK-13 ft Point Blank, .38 & K-Rino - No Ho'z Barred

Similarly, if ever there was ever a release which embobied that good ol' South Park Coalition ethos and sound you'd have to point to PSK-13's mini-album No Ordinary Aggin, which No Ho'z Barred is taken from.

The world is a complex place which often leaves us not being able to diferentiate between our arses and our elbows so why not retreat from the labyrinthine byways of everyday life and snuggle up with some wholly uncomplicated hard headed Texan gangsta shit replete with nefarious trunk-rattling synths, supremely ignorant lyrics with nary a regard for anything about being reckless down in Texas and intro dialogue samples of Tony Montana and Doughboy from Boyz N The Hood? Here's a PSK-13 deuce for y'all non believers :

PSK-13 - Headin' For My Trunk

PSK-13 - Settin' A Mark

Friday 23 January 2009

Martorial elegance # 8

Back in the mid 90s the rapper Rakim apperared on an episode of YO! MTV Raps dipped in an orange Champion hoody, an orange-trimmed baseball cap and some orange on white AF1 Nikes. As ensembles go, it wasn't quite one of his 80s Gucci/MCM custom-made Dapper-Dan suits and it's perhaps a little too matchy-matchy in the cold light of 2009, but, nevertheless, he still managed to look like the flyest motherfucker on the planet at that particular moment in time.

You, sir, are no Rakim and dare I venture to suggest that you are no Marvin Gaye either when you open your big gob to belt out hymns like The Old Rugged Cross in a singing voice which can only be described as an unholy miscegenation of the Vic Reeves club singer routine and ODB warbling the chorus on Shimmy Shimmy Ya.

And surely if Jesus truly does want to save you he'd have let you know that nobody who wears wheat-coloured Timbs in 2009 will be allowed onboard Noah's Ark during the next great Earth-cleaning flood, especially when even Buckshot from Black Moon binned his last pair back in 2003. Talk about "you're so two thousand and late" - step your shoe game up and get some tan coloured suede Red Wings instead if you want to ascend to sartorial heaven, bruv.

Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Orange

Thursday 22 January 2009

Martorial elegance # 7

This is the exact point when Benny from Crossroads type middle aged slobs just say fuck it completely, embrace the liberations that come with hitting pensionable age and transmogrify into Compo overnight.

You can view him with a sense of pity if you wish but there's probably a sort of Zen-Buddhist calm which envelopes a man when he eschews such concepts as style, clothing which has been washed in the last decade, personal hygeine and fear of public ridicule to live out the rest of his days in bliss as a batshit crazy dedraggled old mong, isn't there?

Big Tuck ft. Fat B - Not A Stain On Me

Wednesday 21 January 2009

So gangsta but so smooth like Ric Flair

Props to Dan for hooking me up and being the only dj to play this song in the first place back in 2006. The affection i have for this tune is the same sort of unbridled love i have for dried blueberries or Japanese Stussy Harringtons and that beat is what i wish Just Blaze had been doing in '06 instead of lazy Public Enemy inspired beatjacks.

Curtains - That's What It Is

That beat comes from another one of my fav' tunes : Harlem Clavinette by Bobby Womack & J.J Johnson off the Across 110th Street Soundtrack, yet despite the fact it seems so ripe for sampling it's barely been touched over the years.

There was an old Bo$$ tune called Deeper which used the break to sporadically weave in and out of its main 90% Of Me Is You sample with all the elegance of a Paul Scholes tackle but The Martorialist doesn't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about Bo$$ or femme rappers other than MC Lyte, Lady Of Rage, Roxanne Shante, Mia X and Lil' Kim circa 1995 - 1999.

Ghostface & Raekwon - Maxine

So that leaves the only real notable use of it being when RZA hooked it up for Ghost & Rae to get their Elmore Leonard on with Maxine in 2001 but even he missed a trick by not using the the bursts of dramatic blaxploitation horn and electric piano. That's the highlight of Bulletproof Wallets (well, the retail version anyway) but the Curtains track wins the Martorialist award for best use of Harlem Clavinette to date.

Edit : managed to track down a copy of the Curtains 12" not long after making this post. Result!

Tuesday 20 January 2009

Kaka U Akbah

One imagines this t-shirt is gonna be a highly collectable item in years to come so snap up the remaining 8 while there's still the chance, folks.

Thank fuck that's all over, eh? As Derek McGovern quipped in The Mirror when the story first broke : Manchester City are a club that a player with ambition leaves, not joins. That might just be the realest shit the bitter scouse crap-tipster ever wrote.

Still, at least Man City got Bellamy (14 fucking million!) yesterday to soften the blow. A player so tempremental he makes Anelka look like a selfless and humble Giggsian style veteran and so spectacularly injury prone even Michael Owen looks at him and asks Who's the kid with the gimpy legs? A shrewd buy, Sparky. I'm sure Mourinho will appreciate a player of the calibre of Bellamy when he takes over at the Eastlands this summer.

Brand Nubian - Allah U Akbar

Sunday 18 January 2009

I hate smart chicks but i love brains...

Min, the Egyptian god of fertility, is usually distinguished by his throbbing stiffy poking itself into the face of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in his immediate vicinity. Now, i'm no expert but credible sources (Doctor Who and Krs One) have suggested that the Egyptians were a technologically advanced race who were so sapient that they may have had the means to travel through time so it's entirely possible this long-donged deity may have hopped in his horse drawn DeLorean, skedaddled foward to 2008 and popped his permanentely petrified-prick over Vicki Coren.

Vicki, daughter of the late Alan Coren, kinda reminds me of a plumper, less fit Julie Delpy (which is a compliment) and when she isn't patronising former University Challenge champion geeks like the ubiquitous Dr Ian Bayley on BBC4 quiz shows with her stern headmistress-esque voice and demeanour, she's winning Poker tournaments and playing Texas Hold 'Em all night in her local casino. So not only is she a posh arrogant bird with a hot voice who comes from money, but she's also a professional gambler who makes that Theo Paphitis loot (she raked in over $1,200,000 in poker tournament winnings alone last year) which could be used to keep me in the life of Ted Dibiase type luxury i feel i deserve to be living in.

And she has nice tits, which makes her top 5 dead or alive in my reckoning.

Monday 12 January 2009

You lookin' for Pee? Well, you can find him everywhere.. the project near you i be right there

Pissin' seems to be all the rage at the moment what with the I'm Gonna Google You, Bitch! video and the parody viral video epidemic it's spawned so it's time The Martorialist jumps on the urine-bandwagon with a peeing-in-public themed post.

Sweet Winehouse-style mangy denim there, shawdy.

The kicker has an indefinable air of 1982 Bullseye contestant about him and the kick, which clearly got sphincter deep up in dat ass, has all the grace of that Roberto Carlos free-kick against France. Bitchin' man-bag too, mayne.

But where was our hero when Paula Radcliffe was pissing in the grid during the London marathon a few years back? More importantly, what would Brotha Lynch Hung think about all this?

Brotha Lynch Hung - Rest In Peace

Friday 9 January 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever part 1

The Baptism & Murder scene from The Godfather Part 1? Nah, kid. The final showdown between Harmonica and Frank in Once Upon A Time In The West? Pfffft. Tommy sticking Paulie The Penis through the hole in the wall of the girl's showers only for Miss Balbricker to grab it in Porky's? Okay, you've got a point with that one, but cast it from your mind for now while we extol the virtues of the Show me with your mouth scene from Bad Lieutenant.

Now, you could argue that King Of New York is a much better movie than Bad Lieutenant as far as Abel Ferrara flicks go and you'd be right but there isn't a scene in KONY, not even the For the bulletholes, puta! tampons-in-the-briefcase scene, better than Harvey Keitel standing in a street furiously jerking off in front of a car containing 2 trashy teenage rock chicks from New Jersey who've jacked their dad's car without permission with one of them mock-fellating him while the other is baring her arse for him, is there?

* While this does obliterate any of the classic scenes in King Of New York into dust, the KONY menu screen with the loop of the scene where Frank (Christopher Walken) is dancing in the hotel room which is overdubbed with Saturday Night by Schoolly D is as about as close to rivalling it as you can possibly get.