Friday 31 May 2013


No, really, please TAKE THIS, TAKE THIS, TAKE THIS!

Yung Gleesh - Hard
(From Ain't Shit Changed mixtape; 2013)

Not sure whether I actually like this song or if its just playing to my weaknesses by having Gleesh making rap-hands as he's standing up in a slowly moving sports car like Boosie in the Top Notch video. Either way, I've had the phrase "the brick get hard, my dick get hard" stuck in my head for the past day and a half now so I feel like I should inflict its unpleasantness on somebody else.

Thursday 30 May 2013

Just sayin', bruv # 6

Brendan Soderberg might be a rapist-assisting piece of shit who mocks dead cancer victims, but here at The Martorialist we couldn't help but empathize when he recently voiced his annoyance at being boxed into a critical cul-de-sac as "the Rap guy". Us too, yo, so here's a special installment of Just sayin' where we bedazzle the Rap Internet with the sheer breadth of our unpopular-but-factual opinions about other genres of music!

I'd Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls offers more insight into the concepts of retroism and popism versus rockism than any of Simon Reynolds' masturbatory theorizing.

The Clash's London Calling album is the Rock equivalent of Kevin Costner's Waterworld.

At best, Daft Punk are little more than the Kwik Save K-Klass; at worst, they're a duty free D Mob.

Because he's never shot a defenseless dog in a song or indulged in alternative-Susan Boyle karaoke, Marty Robbins will always have a superior catalogue to Johnny Cash.

If it weren't for Stock, Aitken & Waterman finding such diverse talents as Dead Or Alive, Sonia, and The Reynolds Girls in Merseyside then the city of Liverpool would have never produced a single act of any merit.

With the possible exception of Kill The White People by Eddie Murphy, the entire history of Reggae from 1967 to 1993 exists only as a minor footnote to Shaggy's career.

Due to his deft understanding of rhythm and his ability to energize stadium audiences, Skrillex is an infinitely more talented composer and DJ than the Aphex Twin.

Now that Rap producers have exhausted Jazz as a mine for samples, the works of Miles Davis, Charlie Mingus, John Coltrane et al should probably be burned because nobody has ever sit through a full Jazz album and honestly enjoyed its contents.

Dischord Records and Revelation Records will both go down in history as two labels who spent the past part of twenty years funding rubbish bands who were just Fall Out Boy without the songwriting skills.

Britain's cultural nadir of the eighties wasn't Margaret Thatcher's Tory government but the ‘Madchester’ music scene which still pollutes northern pubs/bars/clubs twenty years later with bowl-headed troglodytes in cagoules and Adidas Gazelles still doing the Bez dance to Fool's Gold.

Wednesday 29 May 2013

Generic list post

Great songs from may I didn't bother to post about because they were plastered over lots of other blogs but still feel the need to mention before the month passes since they're what I've been jamming recently. A couple of these are actually way older than may, but they didn't really hit until the past 4 weeks so they're eligible by Generic list post rules :

AZ - We Movin'
Turk ft. Gunplay - Blame It On The System
Birdman & Mack Maine ft. Rick Ross - Money To Make
IamSu! ft. Juvenile, Problem & Kool John - 100 Grand remix
Doughboyz Cashout ft. Young Jeezy & Yo Gotti - Woke Up

Tuesday 28 May 2013

Is Rap officially dead?

I ask because I can't find a single song I like on the 2012 cameo king's new The Bruce Lean Chronicles 2 mixtape other than At The Bar which belongs to Diamond from Crime Mob anyway.

So, is this the end for Rap now Jackie Chain's fallen off, and why isn't someone from Diamond's camp trying to push At The Bar now that the world has gone loopy for Daft Punk?

You know whatchu won, G? THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST, MUTHAFUCKA!!!!

Should this be my last day on Earth on some track 6 from No Way Out type shit, then my biggest regret will be that I'll be going back to the essence without ever taken part in a super soaker drive-by :

Them motherfuckers is wet and they not gettin' dry, b; I laid the squirt game down and let whiggaz know we not fuckin' around!

Monday 27 May 2013

Reasons why I love Youtube # 42

For better or worse, The Martorialist is a blog that takes more pleasure from the little moments than the big occasions. For instance, the video of Jay-Z and Nas squashing their beef live at the I Declare War concert was of little interest to us because we were too busy watching the footage of Jadakiss choking onstage after Jay-Z announced him as the newest member of The Roc (why isn't the full version where Jay starts giving Jada the gasface online anymore?)

And so to a live battle your hosts hold as important as Kool Moe Dee versus Busy Bee at Harlem World in 1981 - the clip of a pre-Dipset Hell Rell getting his arse handed to him by Posta Boy on 106 & Park which was infamously used by Max B and French Montana to clown Ruger Rell on the trailer for Coke Wave :

"Homie, I put the thing in ya mouth
I'll leave ya brains on the stage so I see what you thinkin' about
Oh yeah, ya girl stopped at my house
She gave me CPR down low, playa, and not on my mouth
Play ya part before the nine come out
You got potential, you'll be nice around the time Shyne come out!"

Please spare a prayer tonight and ask your chosen higher-power for someone to upload the full battle segment where judges Lll' Wayne, Mannie Fresh and Baby unanimously vote Dipset's most fascinating weed carrier the loser.

Tuesday 21 May 2013

Just sayin', bruv # 5

The precise moment Casino officially became a better movie than Goodfellas was january 29th, 2002 when the video for Ashanti's Foolish debuted and rendered the 1990 movie superfluous by accomplishing what it took Martin Scorsese nearly 3 hours to achieve in a snappy 4 minutes, 27 seconds.

Ashanti - Foolish
(From Ashanti album; 2002)

The acting chops Ashanti displays when she puffs her cheeks out before pulling her fedora down over her face in frustration at 2:31 clearly inspired Milla Jovovich's lesser-half Paul Anderson to cast her as Nurse Betty 5 years later in his possible future-classic Resident Evil 3 : Extinction.

Monday 20 May 2013

The nets tryin to kill me!

Always look an apostrophe in the eyes before you kill it..

Need a list of 10 underrated albums by such all-time greats as UGK, Slick Rick, Juvenile, DJ Quik, AZ, Master P, Kool G. Rap, Lil' Boosie etc?

As E-Money Bags nearly said on Friend Of Ours : Who ya gonna call? POSTBUSTERS!!!

Read that shit here.

Sunday 19 May 2013

You can say whatcha want, just spell my name right!

I present you with post # 1 in a new series that'll probably run by the official title of Great MC UGK moments in Rap Internet history should it return, beginning with the Guru interview video on where Solar was billed as Solo :

ROFL where u stand! Still waiting on an in-depth expose on Guru's fascinating relationship with the "super producer" who was known for beats that sound like children playin' patty-cake on paper plates and breathtakingly brazen Walter Mitty stories, BTW. Questions I need answers to, damnit! :

Did Gang Starr really split up because Primo shagged Guru's sister?

Is it true that Guru changed the cover of his Version 7.0: The Street Scriptures album with Solar because Agent B from Oh Word made fun of its original artwork?

Was Solar really bumming Guru as well as fleecing him?

Is Divine Rule the worst song ever made by a member of a top five Rap group?

Is Guru's last letter which read like an ode to Solar the most obviously ghostwritten work of fiction since Copywrite's sock-puppeted post on where he suggested Jay-Z was sending subliminals at him?

How did Solar manage to disappear without trace when he had the combined forces of the Gang Starr Foundation, Freddie Foxxx, that Bork who runs the DJ Premier blog and a couple of thousand northern Europeans on his trail?

If he was partial to penis, why couldn't Guru have bumped uglies with someone higher up the hip hop homo hierarchy than Solar like either of the Afrika Bams or Mister Cee?

Wednesday 15 May 2013

Brief thoughts on the 2nd remix of Lil' Cali's Dat Dick with Juvenile

Lil' Cali ft. Mystikal & Juvenile - Dat Dick remix # 2
(From the upcoming Catch Up 2 My Campaign mixtape; 2013)

While it's always nice to hear Juve' rhyming about wenches over a good beat, Lil' Cali needs to face up to 2 simple facts here :

1. He can keep adding verses from old No Limit and Ca$h Money artists to Dat Dick until the cows come home, but the original with Mouse On The Track is always gonna going to be the definitive version of that shit.

2. If he is intent on remixing songs from 2012's Against All Odds mixtape with new verses from Louisiana legends from the 90s, then a 2013 remix of the 'tape's best song Me And My Thugs with a Lil' Slim cameo would be a much better idea.

Lil' Cali - Me And My Thugs
(From Against All Odds mixtape; 2012)

Tuesday 14 May 2013

Reasons why I love YouTube # 41

Rap songs I never knew there were videos for before YouTube part 109765 :

Slick Rick - Cuz It's Wrong
(From Behind Bars album; 1994)

Let's talk about how Cuz It's Wrong is the anti-Drug Dat Hoe and how Behind Bars is actually kinda underrated despite the fact that it's Slick Rick's weakest album.

Monday 13 May 2013

Martorial elegance # 72 : Obama jeans edition

Does duuk posing in the S/S 2013 Visvim stonewashed denim coverall coat and denim chinos on Union's blog in the picture above remind all y'all of anyone in particular? Give up? Lemme remind you :

Timberlake's career apex right here, IMO; JC Chasez was always the true pop auteur in N'Sync.

Sunday 12 May 2013

Windows down bumpin' Barry White, in the trunk is where I bury white

French ft. Shiest Bubz - Gettin' Money Over Here
(From Cocaine City 2 Purple City DVD; 2006)

Before he adopted the Montana suffix and leeched onto Max B, French Montana was just French, the generic coke-rapper who was known for resembling a lesbian Psycho Les and peddling a series of street DVDs called Cocaine City, which were the missing link between Smack DVD and VladTV. I've lamented the death of the street DVD before because rappers fighting on Twitter just isn't anywhere near as fun as them sonnin' each other and posing with each other's stolen chains on video, so I figure 2013 is the year I should put my money where my mouth is and make an effort to track down all 14 editions of Cocaine City since I only own volume 2 and volume 10 currently.

Records, tapes, and CDs are for squares and amateurs - real Borks are out here huntin' down street DVDS nowadays. Holla atcha boy Talcum X right chea if you've got still-shrink wrapped copies of Cocaine City volume 1 and the Frost Bitten Uncut edition of Sub 0°, ya heard!

Thursday 9 May 2013

Reasons why I love Youtube # 40 : pon di road edition

If there's three things which make me ashamed to be a U.K citizen it's Ricky Gervais, Keep Calm parody paraphernalia, and British ppl attempting to rap. Doesn't matter if it's Grime, UK Hip Hop, Trip-Hop by whispering stoner troglodytes like Tricky, or whatever the fuck Road Rap is, it's all an embarrassment to this fair isle which gave all y'all such planet-dazzling exports as Phil Collins, Razzle Romps, and Porridge. There's only ever been one good rap song to emerge from this country and it's the early eighties Green Cross Code advert which interpolated Duke Bootee & Melle Mel's The Message :

Johnny was a fool, he didn't act cool
He walked on out, he broke every rule
He shoulda stopped, looked and listened, he shoulda used his head
If he don't watch out he's gonna wind up dead

Now don't step out when you're close to the edge
Or you may find that you'll lose your head

When you're out on the streets tryna cross the road
you gotta try to remember your Green Cross Code
You gotta stop at the edge, y know you gotta take care
You gotta stop, look, and listen because there's danger everywhere

Now don't step out when you're close to the edge
Stop, look, listen, think and you won't lose your head!

Here's Melle Mel, Cowboy, and Scorpio performing their not-so-subtle dis track to Run Dmc and LL Cool J Step Off on Top Of The Pops a couple of years later in 1985, with Melvin stylin' & profilin' in a t-shirt which looks like it's made from those chick's skull-print scarfs they sell in Superdrug and Primark nowadays. Furursitic swag indeed :

Tuesday 7 May 2013

Martorial elegance # 71

And all the time I'm readin' DK talk about Master P, 'cause it seem like he the only writer makin' sense to me :
that fresh from the west coast percy miller is a great persona though too. in my mind nigerian pentecostal preacher swag with boxy shoulder starched creases and grey on white pinstripes, new economy hustler fervor behind christian dior goldrims, glock 17 in the waist and motorola startac crisp in its holster. the godgiven ever dependable 1 and only gfunk synth whine gangsta music transposed onto b.w. cooper apartments, calliope housing project, third ward.

in my unpublished biography of master p, i used extensive research to reconstruct the events that occurred after the release of “break em off somethin.” kitchen of a tudor bungalow in suburban baton rouge, percy miller sweat soaked through a violet silk shirt, pimp c the defiant hedonist duct taped to a chair, spitting at his captors through a broken cubic studded grill, his torn rabbit coat heaped on the linoleum floor. a phone call to j prince. like a scene from a no limit straight to dvd movie. j prince says, let him go. pimp c drives back to houston in a dodge caravan and records: i make my fuckin music for the boys with the Os / the old school pros and the strip club hoes / the boys with the hard in the motherfuckin south / bitch you aint had a hit since i sold you "break em off."

master p phase 3, percy on the yacht with obama jeans, dior shades, bottle of dom awkwardly clasped between his knees.