Wednesday 28 October 2009

Martorial elegance # 35

What's up with the past couple of days being hot? It's nearly november and whiggaz got caught out there in a parka yesterday, which saw us sweating out the contents of the Thames Estuary during the 3 minutes we stood in McDonalds waiting for a mate who'd gone to take a piss. So, we'll be glad to see the back of summer '09 to avoid any further inappropriate attire caused perspiration catastrophes, but we'll also be glad to see summer casually amble away into the distance like John Wayne at end of The Searchers so we won't have to suffer the slight of guys in pedal pushers :

On the plus side, at least this guy didn't go for the denim variety (worst item of male clothing ever? Name me something worse than jean pedal pushers on men and I'll paypal you a fiver), but tucking his shirt into them and adding a beanie as the cherry on top of this shit sundae of an outfit really isn't helping the pro-PP cause. And what's with the whole beanie 'n' shorts look favoured by the type of male who primarily shops in either Top Man or Jack Wills, anyway? If it ain't as bad as teaming knitwear with tracksuit bottoms then it's the closest stylistic clash of a combo.

Someday a real winter wind will come and blow all the pedal pusher & beanie wearers off the streets. By sunday would be good.

Beanie Sigel - Get Down

Still the best song Beanie to date.

Monday 26 October 2009

Not moved by chickens

Turned on my phone saturday morning to find an excited text from a friend telling me that the Clipse & Cam'Ron tune vaguelly themed around chicken had leaked and how it's the best song of the year blah blah blah, so I checked teh internet where the message board kids were referring to it with emoticons of awe, which got me expectin' Comedy Central X What Happened To That Boy but what greets me when I play it? I'm Not You

You're all batshit crazy. Song's alright but Curren$y's Scared Of Monstas is still a better Clipse song than any of the actual Clipse songs released this year, and, frankly, I'm more excited by Cam in a plaid shirt with his hair grown out into a Apollo Creed-ish 'doo in the video than I am by the song itself :

Can Cam'Ron even eat chicken with his I.B.S? Isn't him barely eating due his unfortunate bowel condition what made him lose all the weight inbetween S.D.E and his emergance as Dipset Cam/Rico in Paid In Full? Streetz need to know.

Edit : ok, this shit has grown on me like neckhair. Both thumbs up.

Sunday 25 October 2009

Greatest movie scenes ever # 19

Not quite sure where about The Wrestler will feature in my top ten movies of '09 as of yet (somewhere below both Mesrine movies, District 9, and Inglorious Basterds but above Drag Me To Hell, Moon, Watchmen, The Hangover and Bronson) but, although the great Matt Dillon made a good fist of it in Factotum 5 years ago, Mickey Rourke's depiction of Henry Chinaski in Barfly remains my preferred Bukowski picture, just ahead of Ben Gazzara's Tales Of Ordinary Madness.

The highlights come thick and fast in Barfly, from Chinaksi's many pontifications on life ("Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth") to Hip Hug-Her by Booker T. & The M.G's soundtracking the end credits, but the movie's key scene is Rourke's second fight with his Itchy-esque nemesis Eddie The bartender, played by the one and only motherfuckin' Frank Stallone. Less badass bartending alpha-male and more 80s Liverpool squad member, Eddie finally gets his comeuppance for humiliating Hank in their previous altercations throughout the movie when Hank reverses his whipping-boy status to unleash an almighty can of whup-ass on his Mark Lawrenson circa 1984 resembling foe :

Of course, there has to be some sort of tenuous link to the rap here and, predictably, it's going to be the one to MF Doom. Not because Doom's Born Like This was based around a Bukowski poem, but because Doom's hunched bumbling in his early videos is wholly reminiscent of Rourke's stooped lumbering in Barfly :

MF Doom - Dead Bent

MF Doom ft. Kurious - ?

Friday 23 October 2009

What Boothe would call 'cism

We got mad love for Turks here at The Martorialist, but, with all due respect to da gawdz, Turkey isn't exactly the most progressively minded country with regards to multiculturism. Sha Deezy recently returned from a trip to his motherland with a couple of packs of the Turkish version of the oreo and, well, take a gander yourself :

Since we no longer ride with chocolate we can't give you our own verdict on them, but according to our mate Suzanne and Sha Deezy himself, who wolfed down an entire pack in under 20 minutes, they're quite nice. Still, such racial insensitivity won't be tolerated around these parts so we're breaking out our Kufis and African medallions to fight the power as we post a video of Lakim Shabazz performing Pure Righteousness on some TV show called Nightmusic. Possibly the only time you'll ever witness the words Lakim Shabazz and Jon Bon Jovi together in the same sentence :

See, this video is a prime example of what's missing from modern conscious-rap : the fun. P.E had Flav adding colour contrast to Chuck's steely righteousness; Brand Nubian had Puba who could flick from a Wake Up to a Who Can Get Busy Like This Man? at the flick of a Polo tag; Common was just as comfortable talkin' flagrant as he was exploring his introspective side in the Sense days; Lakim and YZ had backup dancers who did variations on the running man; and what Poor Righteous Teachers lacked in humour they made up for in sheer dopeness and blokes doing badman Raggamuffin voices on their hooks :

What's Kweli got exactly, other than a catalogue of songs ruined by his lithpy voice, irksome worthiness, netcee board quality punchlines and painfully awkward habit of cramming in too many words per bar just to get to the end of an aforementioned shit punchline? Motherfucker could make a song where he rapped every joke from Airplane! in quick sucession and it'd still end up sounding like a strained post-match interview with Thomas Vermaelen set to music.

Wednesday 21 October 2009

Speaking of seamless links into rap..

After a torpid start, the second series of Are You An Egghead? has begun to heat up with the return of quiz heavyweights Pat Gibson, Mark Kerr, and that Shanker kid from series one over the last few episodes. Thus far, the series has been most notable for real quiz aficionados for Kevin finally replacing his trademark £4.99 digital watch with a tasteful black leather strapped timepiece and CJ shearing off his fanny-parting curtains to bring back his Boosie flat-top fade :

Lil' Boosie - Fresh Cut

So, what better time to revisit a couple of old Boosie favourites?

Boosie ft. Max Minelli - Feel Lucky

The Concentration Camp click (Young Bleed, C-Loc, Lay-Lo/Max Minneli etc) were mostly known for Country-Rap with a New Orleans twist, but Boosie's first effort for them was more indebted to traditional late nineties Cash Money Records style rap. If your rap nerdom doesn't quite stretch to differentiating between the varying styles of N.O rap then lemme translate for you : this shit bumps like some old Mannie Fresh produced track for Juve', B.G or Wayne from '97 - '00 as Boosie loosely riffs on Clint's maxim from Dirty Harry. Lil' Boosie & Webbie ft. Pimp C - Finger Fuckin'
Boosie was adept at more traditional Country-Rap too, though, as a mere 3 years later he offered up proof he could hang with genre heavyweights like UGK on his Pimp C presented first Trill Entertainment release with Webbie. For my money this is still one of the best albums he's been a part of and I'd sell my prized Corey Fedman signed copy of The Lost Boys VHS tape for another Boosie & Webbie album helmed by Pimp C which features a song which makes an accordion sound like country-raps most obvious ingredient about fingerbanging chicks whilst said fingers are adorned with large diamond rings and dripping with pussy juices. Pity they recorded so few songs together before Pimp went and snuffed it.

Monday 19 October 2009

Martorial elegance # 34

There were 3 main reasons to cop Kerrang in the very early 90s : their resident metal Mystic-Meg bird Fire (she had that whole rock-gypsy type look down pizzack and can lay claim to being the source material for one of my very first legitimate wanks), the Mike Gitter reviews of various reissued hardcore classics which were being released on cd for the first time (as essential a guide to the history of American hardcore as issues of MRR and Thrasher), and the highly titillating letters pages. Always a source of amusement, the zenith of the Kerrang correspondence section was the tsunami of angry dispatches the mag would receive every time a metal musician fessed up to batting for the other side (the explosion of Nirvana somehow led to various metal musicians finally feeling comfortable enough to admit that they were partial to the cock), with tearful metal fanboys denouncing their love of the band the guilty musician was a member of and concluding that, since the gay band member in question enjoys cock up his arse, he'll probably enjoy the feet of disgruntled fans next time the band play live too. Sock it to 'im, boys.

Faith No More's aptly named Roddy Bottum was the first musician to step out of the closet and into the metal sin-bin, but the least suprising case had to be Rob Halford from Judas Priest, the Cliff Richard of metal in speculation about his sexuality terms, admitting he was gay. A declaration which clearly brought the O Rly Owl fluttering out of its nest :

You might expect a mature gentlemen such as Rob would only sport get-ups like the one above when morphing into Priest-mode nowadays, but, nope, even a saturday afternoon trip to B&Q is deemed worthy to yield the full metal jacket, chaps and leather cap outfit :

He may have a pair of Lee Coopers under his chaps but, according to Barratt, there was nada under that waistcoat other than 2 harnesses on some MC Eiht & CMW type shit :

MC Eiht & CMW - We Come Strapped

Bonus beats :

Since we're reminiscing about metal at the turn of the 90s, the law of Sodom dictates that we have to pay bumfluffed lip service to the provincial metal diety that was Chris Needham and his glorious BBC2 video diary In Bed With Chris Needham, a show which the BBC can forever use to justify the TV licence fee :

Authenticity is key, which is why the ironic mullets sported by twats during the last decade lack the natural bouffant/lank synthesis of Needham's Herculean mullet. Parts 2 to 6 can be found in the related video links on the 'tube.

Wednesday 14 October 2009


That new M.O.P album is really, really humdrum, and if there's one thing an M.O.P album should never be, it's humdrum. Nowt wrong with Fame and Billy's rapping, but those tepid Soundclick page circa 2003 sounding beats? Shit, even Joe Budden would have turned his nose up at them.

So, here's some post-Warriorz non-M.O.P joints with that M.O.P type ambiance which I wish the new M.O.P album sounded like :

Black Rob - Big Guns

You got guys on message boards who were listening to Deep Puddle Dynamics when Bad Boyz came out salivating over Shyne's imminent release but Black Rob's low-key return home after a 4 year bid for pilfering items from a hotel he happened to be staying at (shades of my mate Rob who once drunkenly gaffled a laptop from a drinking lodge and was was then caught by the porter outside having a fag who he tried to flog it to) a few months back was of more interest to me. Robbie-O out on bail Harlem dreamin' with a backdrop of John Barry and the Microphone Fiend 808s is what NY rap should sound like in 2009.

Maino - Role Model

A homage to both M.O.P and Smoothe & Trigga, Maino's ig'nant Brooklyn hardknock anthem manages to be not only the sorta tune you wish M.O.P were still dropping, but the type of bombastic stomper you also wish Primo were knocking out on the regular. Maino's album was the audio equivalent of a runny nose, but his LOLz shittalking and ability to actually write catchy songs which stick to their theme (Rumors, Take It Like A Man, Hi Hater) seperate him from the pack of post-Smack DVD NY battle rapper mooks.

Non Phixion - Rock Stars

The winner of the Why didn't M.O.P get this beat instead? award for the noughties thus far. Non Phixion were probably the best purveyors of household pet sacrificing fat whigga rap (it'd be unfair to place post-Stanley Kubrick R.A in the same category) so they wholly deserved Necro's better beats and token throwaway clunkers by Pete and Paul which everyone else probably rejected, but a Primo banger comprised of a delirious Bar Kays chop-up and that INS vocal sample hook? They weren't worthy of such greatness. Goretex was decent, Ill Bill was occasionally tolerable but the other two Dan Aykroyd voiced crackas in Non Phxion sounded like Jesse West and Puffy on the Dolly My Baby remix.

The NYG'z - Giantz Ta This

You could argue that The NYG'z are the sons of M.O.P with their whole hardbody rapping over DJ Premier beats steez, or you could argue that they're M.O.P's uncles as they're more of a product of the Ed Koch era than the Giuliani term M.O.P embody, but you'd be better off altogether if you stopped being so darned anal and just enjoyed their aggressively straightfoward NY rap with Primo's exquisite 7 Minutes Of Funk rejig for being the complete antithesis of the lazy middlebrow old man NYC rap N*s and J*y-Z have offered us for the majority of the past decade.

Blaq Poet - Don't Give A Fucc

One last Primo for the road? Ah, why not. Poet's most Ivan Drago tune since Bang This is what On The Go magazine would have called that ill Chewbacca type shit, but what I'm gonna call that Tyson coming out to Time 4 Sum Aksion type shit; that O'Reilly in Season 1 of OZ type shit; that OH SHIT, POET REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE POSDNUOS THESE DAYS, HUH? type shit.

State Property - Oceans Seven

In which all seven of the State Prop' go off over a guitar squall, with the standout verses coming from Beanie, Chris, Peedi and Freeway. Beanie's career has been built on insanely O-T-T rapping but his i'll buck 50 your neck, pull your tongue through your throat/that's all she wrote - the fat bitch hummin' ya note on here might just be his most graphic moment to date, which is quite an achievement when you consider this is someone who once rapped about broomsticks up the ass, have 'em poking your ribs.

Rock ft. Sean Price - Fuck Dat Rapper

Why on earth did this gem merely languish on that Rockness mixtape when it should have been given the video treatment as the first single from Heltah Skeltah's underrated D.I.R.T album last year? I'm tryna hear more Heltah Skeltah over spooky synth shit, so can someone contact Sid Roams and get him to loop up the full minute long intro of Being Boiled by The Human League for Rockness and Price to bless, please?

The Diplomats - Crunk Musik

The last great Dipset single before Wu-Tang syndrome set in, with weed carrier members, affliated groups and financial irregulaties causing their dissolution. The Warriors homaging bulky sleeveless denim jackets in the video weren't such a great look, but, in retrospect, were a far superior sartorial option to Juelz et Jim's later experimentations with Ed Hardy.

AZ ft. M.O.P - Sit 'Em Back Slow

Yeah, it features M.O.P and Fame even produced it, but it's an AZ song, okay? Look, you either agree that this song, which once caused me to mock-Sweet Chin Music a supermarket refridgerator when listening to it, is the best ever freak of Rick's Mary Jane or you lack the irons and the nizzutz like my man here :

Saigon ft. Kool G. Rap - The Letter P remix

Saigon was a welcome character back in the days of Say Yes, Contraband and Diduntdidunt when he was channelling equal measures of F.T and Intelligent Hoodlum, but I can live without him ever since he decided to become rap's self appointed saviour and transmogrified into the most annoying rapper this side of Sage Francis. So, sorry, Sai' but this remix with G. Rap would've been a much better song if your presence had been replaced with M.O.P and become an official follow-up to Stick To Ya Gunz.

Monday 12 October 2009

Reasons why I <3 Youtube part 5

Because you can find Van Damme doing Leno in '93 to promote Hard Target on there :

Topics covered during the interview : skiing, name swapping with friends, flower arranging, ballet, the cultural differences between European action stars and American action stars, bringing John Woo ("he's sorta like the new Peckinpah..") to America, the morning glory-inducing properties found within oysters, how sex is perceived in Asian culture vs. how sex is perceived in the western world, Van Damme's guerilla marketing technique for his early movies where he'd bumrush movie theatres to badger them into showing his trailers, and how a lack of budget to create big explosions on Bloodsport led to him having to create the thrills via his own body in the fight scenes.

And he's absolutely right on the last point, because what makes Hard Target my favourite American action movie of the 90s aren't the elaborate set pieces or any of the whopping explosions, but the little things : Van Damme's roundhouse kicks and dexterity, his amazing mullet and double-denim outfits, Lance Henrikson psychotically playing the piano, Van Damme punching out the snake, Arnold Vosloo's character being named Pik van Cleaf, Van Damme cleaning shop with the upside down pistol, Henrikson's expression after Van Damme puts the grenade down his kecks, the list goes on and on.

"Poor people get bored too!"

Unrelated news :

Join me as i fire up the iPlayer tonight for the first episode of the second series of Are You An Egghead? The first series featured various hardened quizers familiar to any Mastermind or Fifteen-To-One (R.I.P) aficionado, and was easily the finest tv quiz show of the decade. So let's hope the new series features the cream of the quizzing crop, by which I mean, a bunch of possibly autistic spods who were last seen being eyed with contempt by Vicki C on Only Connect.

Friday 9 October 2009

Martorial elegance # 33

Here at The Martorialist we employ a crack team of photographers who live and die by the creed of Streetz Iz Watchin' as they go about their civilian business. Hell, right this very moment we've got 2 seasoned photojournalists who started their careers in 'Nam working around the clock in deepest Runcorn to get to the bottom of the how, where and why emo kids circa '07 started wearing McKenzie shellsuit bottoms. But Martorialist snapper # 1.5 Killa Barratt has finally solved the most troubling question of modern times : just who exactly is buying up all the Makavelli Branded gear from TK Maxx? Please believe the sartorial Loch Ness monster has been spotted on dry-land, ladeez 'n' gentz :

Who'd have thunk one of the key tenets for practioners of Thug Life would be shopping for Couscous? I wonder if Heaven got a ghetto for moistened semolina wheat and finely ground wheat flour?

Tuesday 6 October 2009

A brief guide to the 4 good moments from C.L. Smooth's solo career

So, I caught C.L. Smooth's show in the 'pool a couple of evenings back. Not exactly the Pete & C.L. reunion show in London from 4 or 5 years ago, but a fine evening after a brief readjustment of expectations. The Pete Rock era stuff was greeted with scenes of rapture, while his solo era stuff begat puzzled yet polite applause, but reminded me that his post-Pete solo career actually started quite promisingly :

C.L. Smooth - Such A Long Time

His HipHopSite exclusive very first noughties solo track from 2005 has ended up being a long since forgotten track in the Mp3 leak age which barely even shows up on Google. Shame, 'cause it was a vintage Heatmakerz production. Whatever happened to The Heatmakerz anyway? They bettered KanYe and Just on the 2nd best NY rap album of the decade, and this tune from their '07 producer album The Rush was my shit. Lord knows Cam'Ron could do with some of their beats nowadays.

C.L. Smooth - Bars Of Fury

As the decade crawls to its close, there are two contenders for rap interview of the noughties : the one after Daz won the court settlement for unpaid royalties from Death Row where he mercilessly taunted Suge, and the completely out-of-the-blue CL Smooth one after Pete & CL's successful reunion which bore the much loved Appreciate and live shows where grown men were reduced to tears when the T.R.O.Y horns came in ( I've always prefered All Souled Out and Skins meself) where CL spent its duration alternating between calling Pete a fucking faggot and pleading for him to produce some of his solo album. Pete was never going to comply, so CL did the next best thing and gaffled one of the few non-ZZZZworthy beats from one of the Petestrumental albums for Bars Of Fury and ripped that shit. As the only good remix album of the decade proved, you cannae go wrong with Al Green samples.

C.L. Smooth - American Me

C.L. Smooth - I Can't Help It

When CL's American Me album arrived it was as dull as you'd imagine a 2006 C.L. Smooth solo album minus any Pete Rock beats would be, but it'd be unfair to deny that it included a couple of bangers. In fact, I'll take these two tunes over the noughties Pete and C.L. tracks like the aforementioned Appreciate, It's A Love Thing, Back On The Block and their remix of Mary J's Family Affair. Let's just pretend that Shine On Me/Climax 12" never happened, eh?

So what exactly is the deal with this reunion show in London next month? Have they squashed their beef and, as C.L. cancelled his London show the other night, what are the chances of both of them actually turning up for this?

Monday 5 October 2009

Class A questions and answers

Not even gonna get into this whole Cocaine by Z-Ro leak brouhaha, because even the most connected people in Texa$ appear to be in the dark about its shadowy origins (at a guess, though, I'd imagine it's some of the Cracc mixtape X some tracks from Heroin X some older odds and sods slyly released by Z-Ro as a 'Fuck You!' to Rap-A-Lot after J. Prince had 'Ro beaten down a month or two back for popping off about his lack of received royalties) but there is one thing I'm certain of here, and that is that 'Ro needs to start hittin' up Mike Dean for beats regularly again if this anything to go by :

Z-Ro - Raw

Parallels could probably be made between the quality of Z-Ro's Rap-A-Lot albums since he's stopped using large percentages of Mike Dean production and Arsenal's trophyless years since David Dein left (they'd have secured the services of Ribery, for a start) but, ultimately, it's this simple : The Life Of Joseph W. McVey and Let The Truth Be Told are Z-Ro's best albums because of the abundance of lavish Mike Dean production found on them. Really, it gets no better than this :

Z-Ro - Respect My Mind

Friday 2 October 2009


"..Man, you never heard of a Mr Magic Rap Attack? Where's this guy from?"

"Oh, i heard of a heart attack but not a Rap Attack, what's a Rap Attack?"

Whodini - Magic's Wand

Shit was somewhat prophetic.


This would be the perfect oppurtunity for me to post the audio of the show where Mr Magic dissed P.E after playing Public Enemy # One and ended his rant with the infamous "i guarantee you, no more music by these suckers" line which P.E then sampled a later year on Nation Of Millions.., but I can't find the darned mp3. Edit : Thankfully, Robbie has it.

Public Enemy - Cold Lampin' With Flavor

Thursday 1 October 2009

Jack(et) your body

Ever wondered what brand and model jacket Seth Green is wearing in the dire Italian Job remake? Nope, me neither, but apparently it's the Levi's Vintage Collection Bonneville Cafe Racer Jacket. And how do I know this utterly irrelevent information about an admitedly fairly nice jacket? Because I've been browsing the Filmjackets website, innit.

If, like me, you watch The Thing and spend as much time drooling over Kurt Russell's ill leather as you do simultaneously on edge from the tension and marvelling at the effects then this is a website I implore you to peruse when you have the chance. Some of their best finds thus far are :

THE THING (1982)



DESCRIPTION: This jacket was worn by Kurt Russell as R.J. MacReady in the John Carpenter version of the film The Thing



Information: Schott, NYC Style #674 G-1 Jacket




DESCRIPTION: This jacket was worn by Peter Fonda as Wyatt in the film Easy Rider.




DESCRIPTION: This jacket was worn by Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes in the film The Aviator.



Information: This is the Belsfaff "Howard Jacket." There is currently no information available from Belstaff concerning this jacket.




DESCRIPTION: This jacket was worn by Naomi Watts as Anna Khitrova in the film Eastern Promises.

Information: This jacket is the Belstaff Tripmaster. Thanks to Rachel Telfer from Belstaff for providing the information.

Only online a few months, the concept of the site is better than the actual content at the moment (is there anybody really interested that the jacket Jennifer Lopez was wearing in Angel Eyes was a Kale Uniform replica Police Department Jacket?), but research is underway on identifying some particularly interesting jackets. Here's some of my all time favourites which they're currently trying to source :

Carlito's black leather from Carlito's Way :

Snake's beat-up brown leather from Escape From N.Y

Rocky's leather from Rocky 1 :

Ferris's jacket from Ferris Bueller's Day Off :

Bob The Goon's Joker jacket from Batman :

Typically, there's neither hide nor hair of other favourites of mine. Here's the ones I'd personally love them to identify :

Forest's tassled suede Alaskan jacket from On Deadly Ground :

Jef's trenchcoat from Le Samourai :

Anyhoo, also has a small TV jackets section to their site where their sartorial detective work has revealed that Jack Bauer has a penchant for both CP Company plus Ralph. And there was me thinking Jack shopped exclusively at the American equivalent of Matalan.