Generic list post: Confessions Of Urine

Those classic rap songs that inspire you to nip to the bar or the bog whenever you hear them on the dancefloor - we all have 'em so let's use this post as a judgement-free repository for joints from thee canon which leave you like ┐(ツ)┌. Only God/Satan can judge us, so hopefully the big man upstairs/downstairs scurries for a pint or a piss whenever he hears any of these tracks too:

Nas - Nas Is Like (1999)
Mac Dre ft. Chuck Beez - Thizzle Dance (2002)
Kurtis Blow - The Breaks (1980)
Common Sense - I Used To Love H.E.R (1994)
T.I. - What You Know (2006)
Wu-Tang Clan - Triumph (1997)
Jay Electronica - Exhibit C (2009)
Three 6 Mafia - Tear Da Club Up '97 (1997)
Terror Squad - Lean Back (2004)
Lauryn Hill - Doo Wop (That Thing) (1998)
Chief Keef - Love Sosa (2012)
Jeru The Damaja - Come Clean (1993)
Rick Ross - Hustlin' (2006)
Kool Moe Dee - How Ya Like Me Now (1987)
The Pharcyde - Drop (1995)
De La Soul - Stakes Is High (1996)
Future - Tony Montana (2011)
Tim Dog - Fuck Compton (1991)
Jay-Z & KanYe West - N*ggas In Paris (2011)
The Fab 5 - Leflaur Leflah Eshkoshka (1995)
Migos - Versace (2013)
You are cordially invited to share your own least-favourite classic rap songs in the comments but bear in mind I'll be forced to trace your IP, hunt you down, and then take a piss in your pint if you dare mention Children's Story or Pussy or Why U Bullshittin' or Go D.J or Dead Bent or Mo City Don (Freestyle) or Crush On You remix or The Ghetto or My N*gga or Phone Tap or No Type or Follow The Leader.

F**k a hoop dream, I am way above Macaulay Culkin's rim

Plying child actors with booze and then taking them to bed like I'm Michael Jackson?

Nef The Pharaoh - Michael Jackson
(From Nef The Pharoah EP; 2015)


It's a glorified advert for those ugly-arse Giuseppe Zanotti high-tops in the guise of a dedication to America's answer to Jimmy Savile, yet Nef The Pharaoh's Michael Jackson is my 3rd favourite track on his EP after Big Tymin' and Come Pick Me Up. In Cardo, Nef has a producer who compliments his melodic sensibilities via beats which sound like they were designed to soundtrack France's most opulent hot tub parties circa 2025; in Nef, Cardo has a rapper who can write a song to his lavish production rather than just rap about bongs over it. Since we can all live through anything if Pamela made it, Michael Jackson here gotta be the catchiest shit out right now.

R.I.P to Nate Dogg, we had to Regulate

Most insane part of G-Unit's show in Manchester last night? DJ Chubby Chub cutting out Nate Dogg's hook during 21 Questions so 20,000 people could sing it in unison. Most unexpected part? Instead of throwing Kidd Kidd a bone and lettin' him perform a solo song, 50 going into a medley of his verses from the remixes of Toot It And Boot It, Bitch, and UP!. Most unacceptable part? No Stunt 101 was a travesty since Young Buck was permitted entrance into the U.K unlike when G-Unit played London this played july.

KanYe may have won the war, but 50 stays showin' the rest of these fugazee A-listers how an arena-rap show's supposed to go. Like, who else but Currrrtis could have the 2 Lauren's from Liverpool rappin' along every word to a deep cut like Ya Life's On The Line?

By 8 I was great because I was sick when I was 6

Came to Nef The Pharaoh's EP on the hunt for slap tremendo in the vein of 2 Phones, left with the highlight of the previously unheard songs being some hazy sunkissed love letter to his favourite folk that's like Wiz Khafila's Kush & OJ if the O had stood for Off The Rictor and the J had stood for J-Diggs, or what a great Berner solo song might sound like if Berner weren't an earnest lump with no emotional palette beyond "I LOVE SMOKIN' WEED AND SELLIN WEED TO THE RAPPERS WHOM I'M TRYING TO BEFRIEND!" Neffy got range.

"Ya baby brother really ain't a baby no mo'
I had a baby and I can't buy liquor at the sto'"

Nef The Pharaoh - Come Pick Me Up
(From Nef The Pharaoh EP; 2015)

Just sayin', bruv # 11

3 rap bloggers walk into a bar... you'd have thought 1 of them would have seen it but they were all too busy deconstructin' Drake on Twitter every frigging day to concentrate on what was goin' on in front of their noses.

I have but a solitary hot take for you this bonfire night but plz believe it's that Dario's Inferno-level heat: never trust anyone who didn't discover rap music via some kind of novelty record as a kid because they always have the most basic taste in rap as an adult. The first rap song ya host ever heard was performed by a rodent puppet from an '80s British TV show and yet I still have a far better grasp on the nuts 'n' bolts of rap history from 1979 - 2015 than any of these self-proclaimed REAL HIP HOP experts whose own introductions came via The Message or Public Enemy or Straight Outta Compton or the Native Tongues or Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) or 2Pac & Biggie.

Who got that dirty version of Puff's new mixtape?

Puff Daddy ft. Lil' Kim, Styles P & King Los - Auction
(From MMM mixtape; 2015)


Badly need the unedited version of Auction since it sounds like a Press Play track which Puff cut out of spite after Styles threatened to drop a TV on his head that time on Hot 97. I'd prefer another Last Train To Paris to Puff's upcoming No Way Out 2 album, but Combs & co over Sean C & L.V production like its 2006 all over again suits me fine as an entrée to a retail LP that's probably gonna feature Machine Gun Kelly playing the role of Ma$e on the O.G No Way Out.

Rap songs that aren't on YouTube but really should be # 14

Back when ya host was hyperlinking the recent great B-sides & bonus tracks of the noughties post, I didn't even notice the YouTube upload of Puffy's Get Off contained within was a highly-truncated clean edit. Alas, it's not surprising that you can't currently find the full song on the 'Tube because Get Off remains perennially underrated as just that: a song.

Perhaps this is because it was a bonus track on the Best Buy edition of Press Play/the B-side of a rubbish song with Christina "8-Off" Aguilera released during the twlight days of singles as physical products? Or maybe it's because the song was eclipsed by the Get Off promo video going viral on MySpace? Either way, everybody on the planet should be able to stream the only natural successor to Crooklyn Clan & Fatman Scoop's Be Faithful in its full glory. Find out what happened in the Combs household when babby Puffy first heard James Brown on the Playschool record player Janice copped him one Christmas:

Sean "Diddy" Combs - Get Off
(From Tell Me single/Best Buy Press Play album; 2006)


Contrary to the belief of some Bad Boy stans, the Get Off promo video isn't the apex of Puffy's dancing - that'd be his rendition of the Harlem Foxtrot on a conveyor belt during some 1999 award show performance of Hate Me Now.

S/O to the Mongolian Mike Parry

Kwamz & Flava - Fine Lady
(From Soundcloud; 2015)


Are there any other 2015 Afrobeats jams which sound like this or is Fine Lady pure Brit-bait anomaly? Shit knocks way harder than the most recent Kwamz & Flava song Tonight, yet Fine Lady remains marooned on Soundcloud whilst Tonight has been gettin' spins on Capital XTRA this past week and is an official digital single as of today. Industry rule 4090: record company people continually put their money behind the wrong song.

Foolproof strategy for Afrobeats to blow up in America: the genre needs its own Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now). There's no need to bother finding a new Freedom Williams for the job because his spiritual heir in monotone eye-rolling punchlines about nuts is already waiting in the wings armed with a iPhone notepad full of Chippendale similies.