Down on The Tube at midnight

Conclusive proof that Britain was the key early adopter of Rap music: the only #actually live TV performance of The Message in the 1980s was on late night U.K yoof TV show The Tube. Melle Mel bosses it as half-rapper/half-raconteur, Rahiem makes a perfect stand-in for Duke Bootee on both Duke's verses, The Furious Five are dressed as ridiculously as you'd expect and Grandmaster Flash looks like La Forge from Star Trek had been beamed down onto the set of Cruising. The group even end the performance by assauling a copper as revenge for getting arrested in The Message video. Old skool Rap music TV gold, which should be as celebrated/cherished as Run-D.M.C performing Sucker MC's on Graffiti Rock.

Top Katz

Nine & Dex - Shake It
(From Shake It single; 2026)

The new PJ & Duncan return with a song to make Sid James proud. Carry on droppin' more bars than Granville falling off Arkwright's stepladder while holding a box of Snickers. Speakin' of British Rappers, pour out a little O.G recipe Four Loko for Sway. Much like Gemini's Me N Da Girlz, Sway's Baby Father was one of those rare mid-ish 2000s tunes which found a cheeky sweet spot between Grime and U.K Rap. That "where's the next stop Westwood's house?" line hits different in 2026.

Sway - Baby Father
(From Products single; 2006)

Sway Dasafo · Baby Father

In The Trunk (Part 3)

Trunk Boiz & Seiji Oda - Never
(From Right Back In EP; 2026)

That Trunk Boiz & Seiji Oda EP is like my favourite present on Christmas, it's too gifted. Here's a video for my third fave track from It. Only Northern California could devise a Rap song which combines En Vogue and Ian Paisley.

Bonus beats: the Float On sample in Go Dumb by Trunk Boiz & Seiji Oda reminded me that Aardman Animations once did an advert for Cadbury's Cream Eggs with an interpolation of that very song. One thing us Brits do particularly well is erotic TV adverts for chocolate; competition is none, we remain on top like Carol Vorderman's bum. Me? Scorpio, but I'd like to get my chops around Aquarius.

Couple of old blokes, we're the U.K G.O.A.Ts

Pete & Bas - Cross Country
(From Cross Country single; 2026)

Pete & Bas · Cross Country

By the manor, for the manor, it's a summer bangeur by the pensioner London Posse. This song is like Je M'appelle for 2026. I enjoy Pete & Bas' music in the same way I enjoy the movie The Business: it should be with a degree of shame, but it's executed so flawlessly that I can't help but love it wholeheartedly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Zoomers will not besmirch the word Gooners

Donae'O - Big Up The Gooners Around The World
(From Big Up The Gooners Around The World single; 2026)

We did it, Brooklyn, we did it!! After 22 long, lean years, Arsenal have only gone and blown the bloody doors off. Sod a rollercoaster, it's been a full Alton Towers of emotions this season. So many times it looked like a second place Groundhog Day for the Gooners again, but they've somehow won the league with one game to spare. The 1989 title decider at Anfield was one of the first Arsenal games my grandad took me to, so I'm down 4 whateva like M.O.P & O.C, but Man Citeh have an annoying habit of pulling rabbits out of hats on the last game of the season. This time, however, the points stacked up, Pep & Erling couldn't catch up, all the salt that haters are throwin' Arsenal need some ketchup. KEEP THROWIN' SALT ON "SET PIECE F.C"! THATZ SEASONING TO A STEAK! Ain't naan another premiership team this season scored a better goal than Max Dowman against Everton. Just like Arne Slot did last season, Mikel Arteta laid the murder game down on Pep Guardiola. What's Peppin', Kermie? That motherf**ker's gone and he's not comin' back, B.

Don't fancy our chances much against PSG in the Champion's League final tho tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Percee Peeve

Nine & Dex - White Boy Wasted
(From White Boy Wasted single; 2026)


Welcome back to the the Road-Rap Eric & Ernie. On one hand, they've pissed me off again by calling the police "feds." On the other hand, they also call the police "bacon." Would Big Vern from VIZ ever call use the word "feds"? Of course he wouldn't, and neither should ANY self-respecting British man.

Bonus beats: Sod it, here's a Quinary of Quality™ for Nine & Dex. In chronological order, their 5 best songs thus far IMHO.

Top 5 Nine & Dex choonz
1. Pecan Pie (2024)
2. Morgan Freeman (2025)
3. Shetland Pony (2055)
4. Postman Pat (2025)
5. Power Ranger (2025)

Peter Bwadshaw

"I can't afford a rainy day fund because day after day the rainy days come-es"

Jordy ft. Ceebo - Rainy Day
(From Rainy Day single; 2025)


Where better to make a rap song about rainy days than the drizzly island of Britain? Fresh for slate-grey skies, here's the winter counterpart to Summertime by SL, Knucks & Sainte. In fact, this song is a prime example of Knucks-core: sad lad Road-Rap which is palatable to Guardian readers. Shout out to Barney Ronay, we in this bitch!

Martorialist-approved Rap songs with Rain in the title:
Raekwon & Ghostface ft. Blue Raspberry - Rainy Dayz (1995)
Khayree ft. Mac Dre - It's Rainin' Game (1997)
Missy Elliot - The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly) (1997)
Diamond D ft. John Doe - When It Pours It Rains (1999)
People Under The Stairs - Acid Raindrops (2002)
Megalon - Rain Blood (2002)
50 Cent - When It Rains It Pours (2005)
Beanie Sigel ft. Bun B - Purple Rain (2005)
Gucci Mane - Rain Man (2006)
The Jacka - Heavy Rain (2007)
ABN - Rain (O.G version) (2008)
Prodigy - Raining Guns and Shanks (2009)
Z-Ro ft. Shaq - Stop The Rain (2020)

Confessions of The One Bloke Who Survived The H-Bomb

"Last night I was dreamin'
I dreamed about the H-bomb
The bomb went up from outta the sky I was the only man on the ground

There were thirteen women and only one man in town
Ahhh, thirteen women and only one man in town
And as funny as it may be
The one and only man in town was me
There were thirteen women and only one man around"

The Renegades - Thirteen Women (movie version)
(From Some Finnish movie I don't know the name of; 1966)



AKA the latest instllment of Greatest Movie Scenes Ever.

If the greatest random performance of Rap song in a movie is Digital Underground & 2Pac doing Same Song in Nothing But Trouble, then the greatest random performance of a Rock song in a movie is either L7 doing Gas Chamber in Serial Mom or The Renegades doing Thirteen Women in a sewing factory in some Finnish movie I don't even know the name of.

A British Freakbeat cover of a Bill Haley & His Comets song, Thirteen Women is best described as Carry On proto-Groundhogs. The Renegades were a Birmingham band who were bigger in Finland than they were in England, but clearly had a huge impact on fellow Brummie dirtbags Black Sabbath. Musically, Thirteen Women is stomp-tremendo Garage Rock with haunted house organ; lyrically, Thirteen Women is a teenage wank fantasy episode of The Twilight Zone staring Robin "Confessions of.." Askwith and set after a nuclear explosion. This movie version of the song has slightly different vocals to the single version and the song flows far better as a story this way. Peep 1:00 for the singer pulling an orgasm-face in case his innuendo went over your head.

No words

Never On Sunday - Urban Rains
(From Day By Day EP; 1992)

octave one · A3 Never On Sunday - Urban Rains

Deep melancholy Detroit dance music from Octave One under a different name. Detriot dance music is so confusing with all the aliases innit? For example, ur boi only recently realised that Alien FM are Aux 88 under a different guise. Anyhoo, Urban Rains is the missing link between Night Drive the choon and Night Bus the concept. A Woolworths £10 gift voucher from 2008 goes out to anybody who can tell me how I discovered this song. Shout out to the woolyback crew in St. Helens!

Dizzee Rascal - Strings Hoe
(From white label 12"; 2004)

UK Urban Classic Hits · Dizzee Rascal - Strings Hoe (Instrumental) - 2004 - UK Grime

So, there's a 2004 white label Dizzee Rascal instrumental called Strings Hoe which samples John Lurie's Car Florida from the Stranger Than Paradise soundtrack. How on Earth did 20 year old Dizzee Rascal find a John Lurie score from a 1984 Jim Jarmusch movie? Answers on a postcard from Margate plz. Personally, I'm glad Rascal didn't rhyme over Strings Hoe because, if Jarmusch were to ever do a Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samourai sequel set in London, he could use this track as the main theme. This ain't no ancient civilization here, m8... except sometimes it is.

I'm in her drawers, family bible

"One eye closed, Ranganathan
Beatin' it off like I'm masturbatin'
The hammer so loud that I'm nearly deaf, I ain't exaggeratin'"

Nine & Dex - Power Ranger
(From Power Ranger single; 2025)


#Banter is back again via the Road-Rap Eric & Ernie. Give me a new Nine & Dex song every month and I'm happier than a pig in the proverbial. Two thumbs down at two uses of the word FEDS tho. Lads, they're the old bill, the coppers, the filth, the plod, the rozzers, the bizzies, the bobbies etc.

**EDIT** I'll forgive one use of FEDS here because Nine rhymed "I say f**k the FEDS" with "guns like monsters, under beds." Chef's kiss.

Poland Street Is Watching Part 2

This old advert is a timely reminder that the defunct Mr Bongo record shop had a stacked section of 2nd hand 80s Rap and Electro where I'd find 12" singles I'd never come across in any record shops up north. The thing about the REAL HIP-HOP™ backpack brigade who frequented Bongos was that, although they'd walk around in fat lace Adidas Superstars and Puma States, very few of them had any interest in Rap music made before 1987. Fortunately, this was good news for me because it meant ur boi could hit those used record racks like the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil and bag loadsa early to mid 80s Rap and Electro 12"s. Thus, here's a playlist of the best early 80s choonz I picked up in Bongos. All 12 songs hail from 1983 to 1985, which was a transitioal period for Rap. An era now lost in time like peeing in the sea, but which is one of my favourite stages in Rap's evolution.

Best early 80s Rap Choonz I picked up in Mr Bongo:
1. Spoonie Gee - The Big Beat (1983)
2. Jonzun Crew - Space Is The Place (1983)
3. The Cold Crush Brothers - Fresh, Wild, Fly & Bold (1984)
4. Egyptian Lover - Computer Love (Sweet Dreams) (1984)
5. The Furious Five - New York, New York (1983)
6. Grandmaster Melle Mel - Beat Street Breakdown (1984)
7. Newcleus - Jam On It (1984)
8. Crash Crew - We Are Known As Emcees (We Turn The Party Out) (1983)
9. Roxanne with UTFO - The Real Roxanne (1984)
10. Davy DMX - The DMX Will Rock (1985)
11. Stetsasonic - Just Say Stet (1985)
12. West Street Mob - Break Dance Electric Boogie (1983)

It's Grimandi up north

"And give my warm regards to spring
It's nuffin' personal, but this changes everyfing"

Real Lies - Let The Lips Fall Where They May
(From Let The Lips Fall Where They May single; 2025)

Real Lies · Let the Lips Fall Where They May

Nobody is currently making better surburbaquatic electronic music than the Pet Shop Sad Bois AKA North Circular 17 AKA Real Lies. Let The Lips Fall Where They May dropped in August and was Real Lies' tribute to sticky summers in London. But as a London-born Scorpio lad who became a northerner it makes more sense in the nippy marmalade sunsets of October to ur boi Martinelli. There's very little which makes me patriotic about this silly little island of serfs than British electronic dance music and our penchant for banter about the weather.

I reckon Let The Lips Fall Where They May is the best Real Lies song of 2025 so far, and it only proves that Kev Last Kahras & Pumpin' Patrice should release a compilation of the best Real Lies non-album songs. Obviously the album would include songs like Valentine, Oh Me, Oh My (Nicotine Patch), I Wander, Rare Rapport etc. Ideally, the compilation would also include a studio version of The Lonely Ones from their lockdown livestream. Shit, even a rip of the live performance of it would suffice tbqh.

Suck your mum, son, Sigmund Freud

Nine & Dex - Postman Pat
(From Postman Pat single; 2025)


Another one by the Great White Hopes/Blokes™. Personally, I'm using Postman Pat as the B-side to Shetland Pony. These fellas manage to scratch two specific itches for me: they're a Road-Rap version of MC Grindah & MC Beats who are also a British equivalent of Rio Da Yung OG & RMC Mike. Double the fun like Sweet Valley High.

Bitch, I let the pipe blow like Scotsmen

Nine & Dex - Shetland Pony
(From Shetland Pony single; 2025)


Sorry not sorry for posting songs by Nine & Dex and their rapping granddads Pete & Bas in the space of 4 days. Never did I expect I would unapologetically enjoy Rap music by white English blokes, but I can't get enough of both duos at the moment. I have one slight problem of Nine & Dex tho - their use of the word FEDS. Lads, you've been Yankbrained when we have enough of our own great slanguage for the police.

Call me Peterchu the way I poke a man

Pete & Bas - Whirlybird
(From Whirlybird single; 2025)


Can't even consider Pete & Bas a comedy act who happen to make legit jams anymore. They're now one of the best duos in U.K Rap history who have more good songs than most of yer credible faves. Deal with it ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

Grandads, we love you (part 2)

Nine & Dex - Morgan Freeman
(From YouTube; 2025)


The ghostwriting grandson's of Pete & Bas return with a track which is pretty much Pecan Pie part two. The great chalky hopes are back with bars and bars like Tim Martin. LMFAO @ "and if he wanna keep playin' with the big bro then his whole family's f**ked like he's in Bread." U.K Rap exists solely to keep me amused with punchlines about Scouse shitcoms from the 1980s.

FINALLY SOME SONGS BY SOME BRITISH BREHS HAVE COME BACK TO THE MARTORIALIST!

Ceebo - Jook
(From Jook single; 2025)


SL ft. Knucks & Sainte - Summertime
(From Summertime single; 2025)


Two U.K Rap songs which are all up in my ears & eyes right now. Both of them givin' me specific vybz I can't get from any current American Rap songs. Which is the whole point of U.K Rap innit. Otherwise why does U.K Rap need to exist?

PS: if we sacrifice Howie B to a volcano can we get Hitman Howie Tee back? HHT was born in London which possibly explains why he was able to integrate Reggae into Rap better than most of his 'Murican contemporaries. For doz that slept, Howie was one of New York's great producers of the golden-era responsible for such hall of fame singles as Nothing Serious (Just Buggin') by Whistle, I Got It Made by Special Ed, Treat 'Em Right by Chubb Rock and Hickeys On Your Check by Little Shawn. For my money, tho, his best productions are two Special Ed album tracks: Taxing and Ready 2 Attack. Rest in peace to the producer whose best beats never fail to make me bust the running man even if it's just in my head. Thanx for the hits, man.

Last Kharas

"If life's a riddle with a song in, all the best ones sound like longing
And how I yearn to be with Shulgin"

Real Lies - Shulgin
(From We Will Annihilate Our Enemies album; 2025)


Quite a feat that "you know my life is full of cheap surprises, I gotta get offa the grid/it's as if these algorithmic freaks don't know who they're f**kin' with" isn't even the best lyric in Real Lies' latest single. Like Freddie Ljungberg in the final stretch of the 2001/2002 Premier League season, Kevlar Kharas & Pumpin' Patrice don't miss. The best way to listen to Real Lies: taking a long, tipsy piss in a moonlit city alley with neon-lit nightbuses whizzing by behind you.

Oh wait, you're here for Rap music, right? Okay, so my baby-blue bruv Big Sleep is putting together a 14 volume zipfile series (!) of Bay Area Jazz-Rap over on his blog. Volumes 1 and 2 are up now. Sleep's got the gift 2 gab too. Peep game:

Whether you know your Mac Ts from your Mack-Ts1 or not, there's somethin' for everyone here. Doesn't matter if you're listening to I.Q. or Eyeque. I got it all covered: from Dave Dub to Joe Dub, everything from dank smokin' killers to doja smokin' nerds. A who's who of “who's that?”, that'll make you sound like a group of owls listenin' to Mike Jones.

These are the breaks

Caveman - I'm Ready
(From Positive Reaction album; 1991)


The classic U.K Rap single by the one and only U.K Rap group to be signed by Profile Records. I'm gonna call I'm Ready the most Rave-friendly U.K Rap song of the early 90s based on the empirical evidence it got played at a local Illegal Rave I went to in 1992 at the tender age of 14. Dubbed The Melt Down Zone, the party was hosted in a disused former Agri-Electrics building by some local pikeys who weren't fussy about letting underage kidz in as long as we had the £5 entry fee. The DJ was an ex Hip-Hop head who'd had his head/dick turned by the drugs and girls at Rave parties, but would still play some uptempo Rap tracks in amongst the Rave choonz. I have very specific memories of hearing I'm Ready and Naughty By Nature's O.P.P that night because they were 2 of my favourite singles of that era and it was the first time I'd heard Rap music played in what was, essentially, a club. I also have very specific memories of having to leave early because my parents wouldn't let me stay out beyond 10:30 PM. They f**k your adolescent nights up, your mum and dad.

I've always wondered whether Percee P & Ekim and/or T-Ray heard Caveman's Fry You Like Fish. It's plausible innit since Profile Records would have ensured the single made its way into New York's record shops.

Standing By Starz

The RAH Band - Messages From The Stars (12" mix)
(From Messages From The Stars 12" single; 1983)


LARussell & Cam Cortez - Beautiful Day In The Bay
(From From Vallejo With Love album; 2024)


Riddle me this, Blapman: how come Northen California is the only Rap region to recognise & realise the brilliance of The RAH Band's space-boogie classic Messages From The Stars? DJ Fresh freaked it for Keak Da Sneak back in 2011, and now Cam Cortez has hooked it up for LARussell in 2024. Basically, Messages From The Stars is the greatest Trevor Horn & Anne Dudley production which wasn't actually produced by Trevor Horn & Anne Dudley. Props to the song's #actual creators husband & wife Richard Hewson & Liz Winning; they put their whole artistic solar plexus into composing a choon which sounds like it was beamed down to Earth from a whole 'nother solar system.