Friday, 9 December 2011

The worst Rap songs of 2011

Can this be done without lazily resorting to listing a caboodle of Drake and Watch The Throne songs? You better believe it can, because I'd prefer to be awoken by Marvin's Room or Otis every morning at 4:37 AM for the entirety of 2012 than ever hear any of these curdled cowpats again. I'm sure there are also numerous equally odious songs by Big Sean, Joe Budden and Lupe Fiasco, but I'm thankfully unfamilar with them.

Jay Electronica ft. Mobb Deep - Call Of Duty

The day before this song dropped Jay Electronica AKA ‘the most important Rapper to debut since Wu-Tang’ was spouting off about how it'd "shut down NYC". Evidently "shut down NYC" is slang for "kill off what remains of my 2009 buzz with a song so sluggish and unlistenable that even a tone-deaf rhythm-less hack like Mindbender Futurama couldn't Rap over it" in the Electronica household.

Dr. Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey - I Need A Doctor

The 2nd single from The Chronic was Let Me Ride, while 2001's sophomore single was Forget About Dre. Go and play both back-to-back, and then marinate on the horrifying thought that, after a decade's tinkering, I Need A Doctor is what Dre's deemed acceptable to release as the 2nd official from Detox.

Showbiz ft. Krs One - Running In The Dark

Say what you want about Prince Be getting thrown off stage by Krs One, but P.M. Dawn never recorded anything as bad as this. For the past 6 or 7 years I've had a recurring nightmare where I'm sitting on the john straining to move my bowels, and after a tiny Rabbit dropping finally plops out I look down into the toilet bowl to find the infamous Krs GIF starring back at me.

Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire ft. El P, Das Racist etc - Huzzah remix

2011 : the year where Twitter was finally proven to be an instrument of great evil; not because feral teenagers from the UK used it organise their looting rampages this summer, but because it was the impetus for Grace Dent's most detestable book yet and the tool which allowed a disparate ragtag of Rappers to assemble for the Huzzah remix. This song was so utterly bereft of chemistry that it makes all those terribly stilted G.O.O.D Friday posse tracks from last year sound as organic as New Rap Language.

Saigon ft. Faith Evans - Clap

Crueller bloggers might suggest that Saigon lost his initial promise of being an intriguing mix of F.T and Tragedy circa the Intelligent Hoodlum years when he developed his ludicrously unfounded martyr-complex around 2005-ish. Not me, though, because who could argue against such earnestly delivered cast-iron methods to save the black community as "do away with all the Chinese restaurants/do away with all the fake Gloria Estefans" on Clap here? It's unlikely he'll ever gain acceptance into the Slaughterhouse fold, but there's always gonna be a place in the Lost Children Of Babylon for Sai' Giddy.

Tyler, The Creator - Radicals

It's a pity Tyler doesn't share the same aversion to drums as Andre 3000 because he's pretty great without them, but invariably cacophonous once he's let loose with percussion, as evidenced by Radicals here. More so than Bastard, Goblin was a long-feared personal nightmare of mine finally come to fruition - Suicidal Failure by Cage X El-P's Fantastic Damage LP as performed by a whiney, self-conscious, middle-class black kid.

Bow Wow ft. Soulja Boy - Get Money

From 1st Key to this in just 5 years... what happened to you, Ca$h Money Records? Other than providing Lil B with his own Mistakes Of A Woman In Love With Other Men what has Bow Wow ever contributed to humanity? Dook is so much of a non-entity that Kat Stacks couldn't even be bothered to give up the details on him.

Elzhi ft. Royce Da 5'9 & Stokey Williams - Life's A Bitch

Deep by Elzhi is my shit and Royce has at least 7 great songs in his catalogue, so I'm not going to hold it against either of them for failing to replicate the greatest debut cameo in Rap history and an amazing Nas verse, but Will Sessions deserves to get his wallet and green card ganked for his tepid replay of that wonderous Gap Band sample and the godawful Stokey Williams outro. Dude turned the sublime into a 1994 Jamiroquai album track.

Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars - Lighters

Lighters, on the other hand, I will hold against Royce. If it transpires that Hell is a re-run of all the most embarrassing moments from my life played to an audience of millions for the rest of eternity, then Lighters will surely be the soundtrack to the time I searched Hayden Panettiere on xHamster after watching Scream 4 only to find myself clicking on videos where uncircumsized urchins jerked off over photocopies over her face.

A$AP Rocky - Purple Swag/anything by Spaceghostpurrp

Remember that Edan song where he Rapped in a pitched-up voice pretending to be Kool Keith on some unearthed Ultramagnetic MC's record from '88? Purple Swag and everything by Spaceghostpurrp are the 2011 black ppl's equivalent of that sort of Neo-Rap bullshit, only completely straight-faced and, thus, with even less replay value.


Billy Patrick said...

Jeebus Christmas I thought I was going insane as the only human being who couldn't stand one single song Spaceghostpurrp dropped. The hype machine is strong with these ones.

done said...

I was busy listening to Korn or whatever back then, is Despot some former Company Flow affiliate or something? The fuck.

Cosign most of this but Spaceghostpurrp has beats imo

Thomas said...

-I sort of like "I Need a Doctor", but everyone I know hated it, so I guess it's a bad song.
-I had no idea KRS One was still rapping, he should probably just stop.
-I feel like Eminem has become like a motivational speaker/cool dad in 2011. "I'm going to write a rap song about how I overcame adversity and SO CAN YOU.

corpsey said...

''then Lighters will surely be the soundtrack to the time I searched Hayden Panettiere on xHamster after watching Scream 4 only to find myself clicking on videos where uncircumsized urchins jerked off over photocopies over her face.''

laughing/pasting ''Hyden Panettiere'' into xHamster search bar

''Radicals'' is shitcakes.

Unknown said...

Ha I like this list! Some real stinkers on there!
Except I have a soft spot for Mr. Purrp.

Kelvin Mack10zie said...

I don't know who Despot is, all I know is I never want to hear him again.

David said...

spaceghostpurrp is a non-entity. critical smoke & mirrors imho

Anonymous said...

Spaceghostpurrp's work is largely uninteresting, but I give him credit for screwing and chopping Nate Dogg's "The Hardest Man In Town".

"Radicals" is a trainwreck of a song. I kind of like it though, for some reason.

I didn't even like KRS-One back when he was still reputable.

2SHIN said...

I think this might actually trump all of 'em:

Just cuz it features a man in his 40's uttering the words "real hip-hop".

done said...

Jarobi proving both that he still can't do anything and that even for strategic forehead obscuring purposes, rocking a sock-hat in 2011 still looks quare as fuck.

Its a good rule of thumb to avoid anything surfers fuck with, however good it looked in the Aint Hard To Tell video.

Anonymous said...

You forgot about "Tony Montana" by Future. I think it puts all the others to shame. Its definitely the worst rap spng ive ever heard.