Thursday, 21 March 2019

Crap De Rap Show

In lieu of the news that only 2 members of Stetsasonic turned up to their live show at the Jazz Cafe in London last night (and neither of them were Daddy-O), here's some hypothetical nightmare live Rap shows which probably will happen one day because most rappers are lazy scam-artists.

Onyx.. but it's just a hologram of Big DS (R.I.P, natch.)

Eric B. & Rakim.. but it's just Eric B with Rakim-soundalike The Wizard Of Rap, and the show is a front-to-back performance of Eric's shitty R&B solo album.

Capone-N-Noreaga.. but it's actually their weed carriers Musaliny-N-Maze performing their C-grade 2001 Neptunes single 10 times in a row.

Brand Nubian.. but only Lord Jamar turns up and he's got DJ Vlad with him instead of DJ Alamo. After Jamar's performed Dance To My Ministry he spends the rest of the show complaining to Vlad about teh gays and Young Thug's skirt.

3rd Bass.. but it's MC Serch with Michael Rappaport.

MF DOOM.. but it's actually Dart Adams in a DOOM mask and he spends the entire duration of the show ranting about how he's the only person alive who knows the correct U.S release dates for 80's video games.

Slaughterhouse.. but you thought it was a Royca Da 5'9 solo show, so now you have to watch Joe fucking Budden & the other 2 useless bums perform live because you've paid £18 and you at least wanna hear Royce play Boom.


Yeldarb said...


Glad i dodged the Stet show.

Lorraine Kelly is a tax-dodging cow. said...

A "Wu Tang Clan" concert but it's just U-God, Remedy and the severed penis of Northstar's Christ Bearer.
A "Gang Starr Foundation" arena tour but it's just Lil Dap and The Cookie Crew.
A South Bronx supergroup tour by "Ultramagnetic MCs" and "Boogie Down Productions" but it's just Jacky Jasper and P-Doe.

Kelvin Mack10zie said...

I wonder how many members of Wu-Tang are gonna show up for that Gods Of Rap U.K tour thing? Streetlife, Shawn Wigs, and someone from American Cream Team will be there as stand-ins for Meth, Ghost, and Rae obv.

Not that I'm going, mind. An 8 hour Rap show in a pleasure prison like the Manchester Arena ain't my idea of fun.

Step One said...

I can't and won't think of Michael Rappaport as anything other than that bloke who was in a few episodes of Friends as Phoebe's boyfriend

Robbie's review of that Ultramagentic show in Oz a few years ago remains the standard for terrible rap gigs

Kelvin Mack10zie said...

Hah absolutely. I need to revisit that review.

john said...

The Dungeon Family reunion tour this spring will probably be really funny. The lineup says Big Boi, Goodie Mob, and Organized Noize, which in reality probably means Slimm Calhoun and Konkrete opening for Big Boi featuring Phantogram.

Kelvin Mack10zie said...

Supa Nate from Konkrete could do his Nathaniel freestyle.

Andrew Barber said...

this post is so funny

Smell Rell said...

The DOOM/Dart Adams one sounds like hell

Johnny Rap said...

Money B and Young Hump (Shock G's kid) touring as Digital Underground.