Lady - Pussy
(From Bout Dat Life album; 2011/YouTube; 2012)
The fact this this clip only has 125,986 views while Kitty Pryde's 2 singles both have over a million views each is all the proof we need that everybody ever associated with The Wavery's viral experiment is a racist, IMHO.
First time I've heard a Bay Area rapper go in over a modification of I Need A Freak by Sexual Harrassment (no Das Racist) since Messy Marv's classic 2008 San Quinn dis track Talk Baseball. This here song fulfills my need for DB Tha General to deliver one great gassed-up 80s throwback jam a year, now all I want from him before december 31st is a great homicide-ballad in the vein of Murda or Don't Worry and he's good for another 12 months in my book.
What's your favourite I Need A Freak-inspired Rap song then, y'all? I tend to favour Too $hort's take on it over thecouple of Mac Dre remakes. Even kinda dig that time Egyptian Lover took a stab at it in the mid 90s even though he could no longer secure the same class of video hoe as he once could in his Freak-A-Holic heyday.
Hip hip huzzah - the somewhat promising Ty$, who constantly seems to be flip-flopping between a simple silent $ symbol in his name like Ma$e and the more convoluted moniker of Ty Dolla $ign, has finally become a proper solo artist on his new mixtape Beach Chair by dispersing with the Rap-de-Rap services of YG and that Joe Mo$e$ grunt who kept unbalancing the Rap & Bullshit equilibrium on his songs when they'd constantly show up to rhyme about set-trippin' and snapbacks.
Mixtape highlight Zone'n is a subaquatic Auto-Tune jam which makes ya boy Greil Brother Marquis right chea feel like I've got a mermaid swimming in my living room or I'm dancing in the rain with kids climbing up mountains and shit; both handy mental distractions since Ty$ veers dangerously close to Rap & Bullshit Game Ched Evans territory here as he plys the song's various girls with drink and drugs until they're barely conscious and then porks them. Good enough for Anna Faris in Observe And Report, then good enough for imaginary women in sleazy Rap & Bullshit ballads too?
"Fuck with drugs, fall in love
no Mac Miller, I'm a pussy killer
said she love me, I don't feel her"
Bonus audio processor related Rapper malapropisms : here a Jadakiss interview where he calls Auto-Tune "Audio-Tunes", one of his great mispronunciations alongside that time he said "I'm on a higher ekk-ey-lon" on Welcome To The Roc :
Three main reasons why this is my favourite C-Bo joint of the last decade even though I'm a secrete feminist like Nicola McLean - you'd never expect to hear C-Bo Rapping over the sort of scratched-up RAWK guitar sample that was Tone Loc's bread 'n' butter back in the late 80s, Young Meek's "you got the cockpit smellin' like fish & chips" line, and the whole Rat Head concept being a possible homage to Oid School Freddy B's infamous "rat head bitch make me cum!" lyric from Too $hort's Game.
Just sayin', bruv # 4.5 : Wild Thing by Tone Loc goes way harder than any of the more credible RAWK guitar jams by Run Dmc Schoolly D, Ice-T or Public Enemy.
Who knew Newcleus were still recording music up until Chilly B's death in 2010 or that Morgan Khan had resurrected his Street Sounds record label with a series of new compilations back in 2009? Not me on either front until my ace boon goon Larry Eard came across Programmed 4 L.O.V.E recently. It seems implausible that Newcleus could make another Electro classic in 2009 when they'd just spent the previous 24 years releasing sub-Snap/C&C Music Factory shite after their Space Is The Place sophomore album flopped in 1985 but it's true, oh, it's damn true :
There's a definite JuanAtkins influence to Progammed 4 L.O.V.E with its theme of computer-sex, and its mix of warm cascading textures and unyielding techno-thump, which is fine by moi since I've always been more of a Computer Age (Push The Button) kinda guy than a Jam On It type of fella. Don't worry, though, luddite Rap dudes, because there's the mother of all scratch breakdowns at 3:57 where Cozmo D sounds like he's using a bionic-DJ Cut Creator APP to let loose on his decks. Ultimately, this is the soundtrack to getting head from Booey Bubblehead as you take a joyride around Saturn's rings in a stolen spaceship.
Your writing about Tumblr-derived neo-Rap really is the seagull which just keeps on cacking out golden sploshes of poop on some Birdsdo episode of Round The Twist type, um, shit. Taken from yesterday's Return of the hip-hop crew piece by Kieran Yates :
And that concludes my case why British women shouldn't ever be allowed to write about Rap, y'honour. I jest of course because Paul Lester will forever be the chief offender in comparing any Rapper who doesn't sound like Waka Flocka Flame to some artsy-fartsy cracka who was active between the years of 1967 to 1987, and every Guardian piece on Rappers inevitably ends up as a repository for comments from blokes like this cretin :
Food for thought, indeed. Let's all thank dibba-dabba-dinosaur-Rappin'-ass Mos Def for taking time out of his hectic schedule schedule of copping $700 Visvim chinos and $2000 CdG HOMME jackets from Union L.A to take a stand against the crass opulence of N*ggas In Paris, eh? FIGHT THE POWER, YELTSIN BEY!!!!
Because I now find it impossible to listen Drag'em 'N' Tha River without getting crazy visions of Mystikal sitting in traffic pulling vinegar-stroke faces and bellowing "YOU'Z A HOE, MYSTIKAL! YOU'Z A HOE, MYSTIKAL!" to himself after reading his breakdown of Beware in that 25 most essential Mystikal songs countdown Noz did :
U.N.L.V. - Drag'em 'N' Tha River
(From Uptown 4 Life album; 1996)
Still waitin' on that call from Complex to commission me to put together a countdown of the 25 greatest Hip Hop message boarders of all time, btw. Chances are you're familiar with Will High, Dozer and Jason Seagraves by this point, but whatch'all know 'bout Skatewitch?
Gonna ask this question once every couple of years until I get a satisfactory answer : why have the Beasties/Def Jam only ever released the unmastered demo of Scenario when Christian Slater played a clearly pristine CDQ version of it 22 years ago in Pump Up The Volume? (*)
Samantha Mathis' character in Pump Up The Volume = officially the only hot bird called Nora in the history of humanity, even if her take on the that-dance-white-girls-who-don't-like-Rap-always-do-to-the-Beasties only rates a 6/10.
So, you've just downloaded the Rap Game Dustin Hoffman in Dick Tracy's latest mixtape Foxx Mayweather and you're unsure which song to start with : the intriguingly titled Put Yo' Pussy On The Phone? One of the tracks with $hizz that'll hopefully replicate how good they sounded together on 3rd Person? The Gold Mouth Dawg remix? Nah, homie, get yo' mind linear and head straight for the opening trick Straight Pit :
The object of Foxx's affections in this song is a Pit because she's an independent ratchet-ass hoe who'll punch a bitch, whup a bitch, stomp a bitch, jump a bitch, and when she has something on her mind she ain't gonna mumble, bitch, so this is the point where you're allowed to think laterally and imagine that the song's muse is a Pitin the Odd Squadian sense of the word too. SCHWING!
"So I'm strapped like a dyke bitch
Big 30s and we shoot, we don't fight, bitch
Hittaz turn me on like a light switch
You a opp, that's that shit I don't like, bitch"
Katie Got Bandz - Hittaz Only
(From Bandz And Hittaz mixtape; 2012)
Here's the dilly, yo : if I Need A Hitta was Katie's game-changing My Melody joint which obliterated all former generations of chick Rappers in one fell swoop, Hittaz Only here is Katie's As The Rhyme Goes On joint where she really flaunts her flow and lyrical chops, with the bit where she tells her engineer Rich to "wait, man..I got gum in mah mouth...tweakin'" possibly even paralleling the opening conversation between Eric B and Rakim on Paid In Full in terms of historic Rap record ad libbing.
These other dudes are out here on this internet turning their noses up at Pocahontas, but you and I are both agreed that it's the true spiritual heir to both Slick Rick's Indian Girl and Independent Women by Destiny's Child, right, mon ami?
"So I shot my shot, got to know that pussy
don't give a fuck about your man, I don't know that pussy"
Killa Kyleon & Mouse On Tha Track - Pocahontas
(From Welcome To The Fish Fry; 2012)
Ma$e ft. Puffy - Lookin' At Me (From Harlem World; 1997)
Yo, I can't get mad 'cause you look at my blog 'cause, on the real, look at my blog, but you gentlemen are aware that there's much better Catherine masturbation material online nowadays than the couple of blurry screencaps of her I could find in 2008, right? Slide over to room 112 and rub one out to this video montage tribute on Youtube :
Regular rap dude readers who are probably unfamiliar with the joys of Bargain Hunt might remember the Lookin' At Me video where Ma$e wore a baby-blue proto-Chopper's suit zoot suit during the second verse, but third singles from Bad Boy albums always tended to get about a fifth of the promotion and rotation of the two preceding singles so you're forgiven if you missed this or you've simply forgotten it :
"I was Murda, P. Diddy named me pretty/did it for the money now can you get wit' me?" doesn't come up often enough in discussions of the most unintentionally homoerotic lines from Bad Boy rappers, especially since Ma$on was getting caught in the car with the boy years before Mister Cee made it trendy.
Is CJ a victim of the rolled chino trend? Does Daphne wear skirts or trousers with those M&S blouses? Do Kevin, Chris, Barry, and Pat ever turn up in shorts during hot weather? Has Judith got a decent body on her for a GAILTF?
These are the questions which plague every Eggheads fan who spends too much time pondering what our Herculean tv quiz team are wearing under their desk as we twist and crank our necks into flesh pretzels to catch a glimpse of their outfits that split-second when you see them stand up before it cuts to them sitting there grimacing in the question room.
The newest issue of Radio Times with the Eggheads feature finally clears one of these pertinent issues up as we learn that Judith doesn't look too dumpy for a 67 year old and that her footwear of choice are... Chuck Taylors?
Can women of pensionable age wear Converse? Were the clues there all along with her being an expert on the Rolling Stones during the music rounds? Aren't Cons Jack Purcells, Pro-Keds Royal Los and those recent Nike premium All Courts (the tan suede ones in particular) all better alternatives to Chucks in the same price range if you want some kicks with a white rubber toebox? Is going from making posts about why Judith is the most alluring tv quiz show member of recent times to obsessing over her footwear in the space of two years a symbol of my spiral into hommedom?
Oh, you didn't know we got that fashion clout, son? We say "Jump!" and chix reach for their trampolines. If you're a doubting Thomas then we refer you to how Chantal Hadley reverted back to her semi-quiff thing on monday's episode of University Challenge after disparinging remarks about her new hairdoo in the comment section of our last post about her. My mans Bradley and James were the first to pipe up, but it was 2Shin who got of the crux of the problem :
2SHIN said... I got mad love Chantal but I'm just not feeling that hair at all. It looks like the type of barnet Paul Weller would have.
Then :
Now :
But I digress, as this was possibly the best battle of this series so far, which came down to a last question tiebreaker which unfortunately saw Chantal, Tom Thpeller, and the two indie-kid geeks ejected from the competition, and thus our tv screens, for good. It's been real, guys 'n' gal, so we bid you adieu until you hopefully heed our advice and rope Chantal's fittest mate in to appear as a team on Eggheads.
Crazy tension, kicko.
And speaking of final farewells, we finish tonight with our second generic tribute for a dead rapper of 2010 so far as we wave cheerio to Chilly B from Newcleus who died yesterday. Never understood you dudes who prefer Jam On It to Computer Age (Push The Button), though. The fuck are you all thinking?
And so we wave what might be a final tah-rah to Chantal Hadley as Jesus College Oxford were knocked out of University Challenge last night and relegated into that confusingly pointless cauldron with other teams which've been knocked out who could still potentially make the next round if the moon orbits around the sun a particular way the night of transmission or something.
Chantal had obviously took us calling her the Hoxton Hindley to heart, and jettisoned the whole Hoxton half of the equation to settle squarely on the Hindley portion for her current look, which we wholeheartedly approve of. Yeah, okay - Hindley was an evil cunt who killed innocent kids, but so was the hot assassin bird from 24 who blew up the airplane with children on it in the first episode, and we're not gonna stop cracking one off over her anytime soon, are we? Besides, looking like Myrah Hindley is infinately less offensive than looking like a Morissey loving Urban Outfitters employee on the scale of heinous activity.
Chantal, we know you read this blog (#3 Google hit on "Chantal Hadley" + "University Challege", baby) so we have two pleas for you : puhleez sign up for the third series of Are You An Egghead this summer, and do be a dear and join our pub quiz team one time because our token bird member really is shit on the questions about maths and the Bronte sisters which she professes to be an expert on.
With the fragmented way we live our lives these days, where technology has enabled us to submerge ourselves in our interests and niche information, it's hard not to feel distanced from your fellow man when making polite chit-chat at the water cooler or on public transport, but if there's one thing Bob from the accounts department or that dude who was tryna tell me about his moped on the train last week and I can agree on it's that there is no greater feeling - other than watching Liverpool's season in utter turmoil before Xmas, obviously - than getting your schlong sucked. Luckily, rappers also agree with us, so here's the 5 best rap songs about fellatio.
Too $hort - Blowjob Betty
$hort's The Bitch Sucks Dick was the first rap song about oral stimulation to zee cock, but Blowjob Betty is his masterpiece in the realm of odes to gettin' yer johnson sucked due to the death-by-nut finale and the delightful union of trademark $hort synth funk and the Bam Bam sample. All rap songs about receiving head which came thereafter had to aspire to this level of detail and greatness.
Akinyele - Take A Lick
Put It In Your Mouth gets all the plaudits from squares, but real headz (lol headz - geddit?) know that Take A Lick is Ak's preeminent paean to the art of gettin' some brain with it's narrative game of cat-and-mouse between Ak' and his hesitant-to-suck British bird, which ends in a compromise of mutual bliss via a 69. We all gotta eat, yo, and shame on y'all for having the nerve to think all rappers are selfish, misogynistic pigs.
NWA - Just Don't Bite It
A friend and I once argued over whether this or She Swallowed It is the ultimate NWA blowjob anthem but I refuse to budge over my allegiance to Just Don't Bite It. Both are essentially Ren solo tracks about gettin' your spam javelin wetted up but Just Don't Bite It wins every time for the Eazy skits on the intro and outro, the superior beat, the fact that it doesn't feature one of Ren's lines about sticking broomsticks up butts, and its usage as backing music on much of the infamous pool party footage on the Eful4zaggin dvd. Ren informing us that he's gonna take one of his breezies to "a room, ayo, i mean a restroom/and stick my dick in her mouth like a wet broom" is evidence than NWA were just some ol' romantics at heart.
Three 6 Mafia ft. DJ Unk - I'd Rather Get Sum Head
Good ol' Three 6 and their manyballads dedicated to gettin' noshed off. Lesser blogs would've probably chosen Slob On My Knob for their Their 6 selection, but here at The Martorialist we're down with I'd Rather Get Sum Head's mantra of "I love havin' sex, but I'd rather get sum head". Like Cam'Ron opined to Westwood in that video where The Big Dog was driving Dipset and Cam's bird around London, once you get to the age of 30 a nut becomes a nut and you may as well attempt to get it in the most pleasurable way possible. A morning-glory salute (no Jim Dangle from Reno 911) also goes to Three 6's mate Project Pat and his very own superbly trenchant Sucks On Dick.
UGK - Pregnant Pussy
And, finally, the apogee of rap songs about fellatio. Camouflaged as an appraisal of sex with women who are heavily up-the-duff, infrared technology isn't needed to find the true intention behind this tenderly craftly ode to extremely risque oral sex as the "Pregnant pussy is the best you can get, fuckin' a bitch while her baby suckin' dick hook and Pimp C's first verse prove. Parental discretion iz advised indeed :
I guess you could call me a family man 'cause I care for bitch's babies every chance that I can I don't give 'em clothes, or diapers and shit but I like to feed their babies with my big black dick 'Cause I'ma tell you if you didn't know you ain't did shit until you fucked a pregnant hoe The pussy is hotter, it's got an extra kick it feel like hot potato pie around your dick Sometimes I swing high, sometimes I swing low sometimes I like to fuck a pregnant bitch on my flo' Hit it kinda hard, and beat it up bad fuck her chest and give her cherry blisters on her ass 'Cause if she expectin', I can satisfy and at the same time give her kid a pacifer And I love it when I bust that ol' nut 'cause I know her baby just gon' lick it all up.
Feel free to add your own mildly racist ..and to think black American men are often criticized for their parental skills joke in here as a closer, while I make like R. Kelly on the Ignition remix and Bounce, Bounce my ass outta here.
Thank fuck Jason Bradbury announced that Suzi Perry is finally return to The Gadget Show next week in last night's episode. Streetz been missin' you, baby, and your replacement Gail Porter (who should be held directly responsible for ushering in an era of utterly braindead bints like Fearne Cotton) was bad enough with hair so she's utterly intolerable now she's got the Goody chrome-dome. Why didn't they hire my favourite low-brow satellite channel presenter bogtrotter-babe Suzanne Cowie as Suzi's temporary replacement instead? It would have made perfect sense since The Gadget Show is basically a dumping ground for ex-Trouble presenters like Jason and Ortis.
Anyway, we have mad love for Suzi here at The Martorialist for a variety of reasons, with the principal one being that she looks exactly like some bird in a Razzle Romp which we nicked from our old pal Bate sometime in 1996 or 1997 :
Here's a pic of Suzi in her bikini as a comparison :
