Cum hither

"I'm shootin' everywhere where I live and I spray
like POP POP POP, get the kids out the way
Shorty she a pro, she suck my dick then I spray
then I pass her a napkin to wipe the kids out the way!"
Young Giftz ft. Odyssee - Meet Da Dealer
(From zee internetz; 2012)


Chi-Town's endless stream of viral bangers with amusing references to oral sex by thugged out dudes in POLO beanies shows no sign of slowing down any time soon.

Tonight on Eggheads

What the flying fuck is this Easy-E shit?


You'd expect such a lackadaisical error from The Guardian, but not the BBC. Get ya mind right, Olav & the fellow Eggheads question setters - Eazy-E :

Felony charges but capital made it a lower case

The 2nd best song from the first #UW 'tape gets a video :

"My old bitch she only fuck me if we fight first
I mean argue, yeah we exchange harsh words
and then it's make-up sex, she make $tar' burst"
$tarlito ft. Young Dolph - Gone
(From #UW; 2011)


Mostly posting this because the song goes hard, it forms a loose 2011 trilogy alongside Get Off My Line and Hoe Problems, it's the only Young Dolph verse I'm currently willing to listen to ("I told her either deal with it or just leave me alone/she replied, she apologized and she just miss that bone/I told her it's all good just make sure it's wet later on"), it gives me another chance to link to my recent $tarlito compilation and it demonstrates that 'lito is really getting those Biggie in the Warning video power-moves-on-a-celly-phone-ah poses down pizzack now :

Happy Valentine's Day!

Whether you're angling for a blowjob off your bird tonight after taking her out to Nando's the eatery of her choice, or you're gonna be spending the evening alone reciting Don Draper's speech to Rachel about love to yourself on the coach, there's one thing we're all lacking in life this Valentine's day and that's a CDQ version of the video mix of Suga Free's debut Pure Pimp when he went by the handle of Royal Rock, which doesn't currently exist in any other format because the version on the 12" is severely deficient in the video mix's bass :

Royal Rock - Pure Pimp (video mix)
(Not from the Pure Pimp 12"; 1992)


Worry not, because I'm here to spread L-U-V like the chix in the Pure Pimp clip at the pool party were prone to spread their asscheeks by ripping the audio of the video mix, so now it's up to one of you ol' romantics to make yourselves useful by chopping out the first 53 seconds which comprise the video's intro and then maybe cleaning up the audio slightly so Cupid can shoot bolts through our hearts over this song properly and we can all wake up feeling like the young prince of pimpology in 1992 tomorrow :



*EDIT* ..and two days later here's the final snipped down, spruced up version courtesy of DJ Step One :

BLOGGIN' ON STONE!

But before we get to that, I'd just like to say one sentence : this is the most humble day of my life!



I'm taking full credit for the 15,000 new views I Need A Hitta has received in the past two weeks, as well as the previous top comment being replaced with one that's a smidgen more complimentary :

Reasons I love Youtube # 20

Public Enemy doing the Shut 'Em Down remix live on 90s UK Yoof TV show The Word back in 1992 :


The Shut 'Em Down remix beat never really seemed a suitable backdrop for Chuck D's voice so I'm more of a fan of the original, but I'm posting this, their live debut on UK TV, anyway for a handful of reasons :

1. P.E were in town for this the night before I first saw them live, and, thus, it makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

2. The oversized black & yellow jackets sported by Chuck, Terminator X and the S1Ws now seem like a stark warning that P.E were on the precipice of tumbling over into irrelevance as recording artists, but I suppose at least it's a rare instance of Chuck not being dressed like your uncle Richard.

3. Amanda de Cadenet is nowhere near as attractive as I remember her being. Team Dani Behr 4 life, bruv.

4. Once a year I'm going to make a plea for someone to plz upload the time Onyx did Throw Ya Gunz on The Word and the stage was invaded by a bunch of Mancunian man dem.

5. These are kinda barren times for a Rap blogger if you think SpaceGhostPurrp is just Ugly Duckling for the type of dudes who post on boards like Dissensus and you've given Young Thug multiple chances now via Blastmaster, ANU and Teh Drake and still come away feeling like "really, guys?" all 3 times.

Late pass

Jackie Chain - Molly
(From the internet; 2011/After Hours mixtape; 2012)


If it's not quite bad enough that every blogger under the sun wrote about Don't Violate before we'd even noticed it, the entire Martorialist famalam were completely oblivious to the existence of Molly until Jackie's new mixtape After Hours dropped yesterday even though it's apparently been floating around on the 'net for just shy of 12 months.

Haven't the foggiest whether the Guido song Jackie blesses on this ode to MDMA & saltine floozies really derives from Donkey Kong Country 2 like some of the twerps on Youtube seem to be suggesting because Jet Set Willy, Treasure Island Dizzy, WWE : Attitude and GTA : San Andreas are the only video games we've ever given a fuck about here at The Martorialist, but we've just fed an MP3 of Molly into our same computer which converts sound into image that we used on Sober by Jae Millz and this is what emerged :

A $tarlito compilation 4 u

So, Yo Gotti's Live From The Kitchen being a bit of a stinker other than Single, Harder and Killa really threw a spanner in the argument I've been trying to push that Tennessee now does better Trap-Rap than the current breed of non-Brick Squad ATLiens like 2 Chainz, Rocko, Trouble, Future et al, huh? I took the Gotti album's mediocrity so personal that I've decided to retaliate in the form of a compilation of some lesser-celebrated joints by my favourite Tennessee Rapper All $tar/$tarlito.

'Lito's catalogue is fairly daunting, especially since some of it is only available in exchange for *shock horror* actual money, thus I'm operating under the presumption that the only work of his most people seem to be familiar with are Renaissance Gangster, the Step Brothers 'tape with Don Trip, the 2 # UW mixtapes and the recent For My Foes musical EP, so here's a 16 song collection of the best-of-the-rest, starting from when he still went by the moniker of All $tar on $tarlito's Way II back in 2008 right up to $tarlito's Way III in late 2010 and @ War W/ Myself in early 2011, taking in highlights from his multitude of mixtapes between and even a couple of random Hulkshare loosies including the remix of So Slow with Don Trip & Yo Gotti from last summer.

~ All $tar/$tarlito - Dark $tar compilation ~
1. I Ain't Went Nowhere
2. Extra Get It
3. Life Insurance
4. Oh Em Gee
5. Alphabet Soup
6. Untitled
7. How You Wanna Die
8. IE Cipher (with Yo Gotti)
9. That Shit Ain't Real
10. I Go Ham
11. Until Then
12. I Shake Life (with Yo Gotti)
13. L.N.D Generous
14. Three's Company
15. So Slow remix (with Don Trip & Yo Gotti)
16. Keep Doin' My Thang
~~> DOWNLOAD HERE <~~
All are kosher original songs other than I Ain't Went Nowhere where he jacked a 2010 T.I joint nobody cared about and L.N.D Generous which beckons all the more seductively than Ellen Degeneras because the "lower your voice when you're talkin' to a boss" line is incredibly applicable when indulging in drunken nights out with the bros and the hoes.

Rejected-rejected ideas

Damn, homie - we goin' through the winter warz right now still waitin' on Bogota and King Louie's Dope And Shrimp, and the only song to have really tickled our fancy in the past couple of weeks is Cocky by DJ Paul; so, in lieu of any real content, here are some pitches for posts that were so bad that they were even snubbed by Fat Lace for the Rejected Ideas series :

Tupac Bok - listen to our exclusive mash-up of Tupac Back over Project Pat's Chickenhead.

Agallah The John Bishop - the Rapper formerly known as The Don Bishop turns to inane sub-Stan Boardman scouse stand-up comedy after the GTA and Dipset money dries up.

Pour Out A Little (window) licker - 2pac found alive in Aphex Twin's studio!

Got You Stuck Off The Holness - the M.O.B.B react to the death of Blockbusters host Bob Holness.

2 Girls, 1 Kap - Big Kap caught in scat-porn threesome with Kreashawyn and V-Nasty.

The Search For Animal Chingy - Mr. Right Thurr meets The Bones Brigade!

Nap Or Die - sleep apnea expert professor L. Dopa explains why it would've been more sensible for Pimp C to take shorter trips off to the land of nod.

Billy Gram - nWo

"You can pro'lly keep that scale because I bag well!"
HAHAHA - GEDDIT?
Billy Gram - nWo
(From Youtube; 2012)


That line would pro'lly have me rolling my eyes if it came from Pusha-T, but then if it'd come from Pusha-T it'd have more than likely been followed by a punchline which rhymes "ki' of that snortin'" with "lyrical Scott Norton" so I'll let it slide since it was delivered by some Bay dude dressed up as nWo Sting that Billy Dee Trilliams sent my way.

Just a little note to all y'all bitch ass whiggas thinking of dressing up as Hulk Hogan for Halloween this year after copping replica outfits via eBay - get your weight up, middlebrow half-steppers, and make your own Hollywood Hogan-era ensembles instead :

Just 2 get a Depp

Here's the less exalted cut from the same EP Primo favourite Head Over Wheels came from. It isn't touching that exotic indie classic, but it does sound particularly great when listened to alongside Child Of The Ghetto and Gametime as a trilogy of sorts :

G-Depp - Blow More Spots
(That split Tape Kingz EP with DJ LS One & DJ Dummy; 1996)


Always thought that EP was G-Dep(p)'s debut release but just noticed Discogs now lists a 1995 12" on Tape Kingz which preceded it. The A. side Really Don't Wanna Stop is nowt particularly special but the B. side You Ain't Nobody Baby has yet to find its way to Youtube. Worth taking a punt on for £5 in case it's a lost Harlem gem inna Da Smoothness stylee or a waste of a fiver because it'll probably sound like some shitty Brainsick Mob track?

Reasons why I love Youtube # 19

King Louie premiers his latest dance The Val Venis. If the beat he's wildin-while-he's-Val-ing to becomes an official Val Venis song then, potentially, what we have right here is simultaneously the most important dance record since Mr Hit Dat Hoe and the best wrestling-themed jam since DDT (That Hoe) :


Thanks to the Drake for the alert. Ring the alarm, 2012's cooking dance is coming!

The 2012 Kreayshawn, V-Nasty and A$AP Rocky all rolled into one

Ladeez, gentlemenz, dread-head drillaz, cashed-out chiggaz and lady hittaz - meet Katie :


Katie Got Bandz - I Need A Hitta
(From teh internet; 2011)


Katie's the 2012 Kreayshawn because she happens to be a, ahem, visually interesting chick Rapper on the cusp of viral success, making I Need A Hitta her very own Bumpin' Bumpin'.

Katie's the 2012 V-Nasty because she's a hoodrat Rapper of some kind of AZN descent who drops N-bombs like she's auditioning for a cameo on Efil4zaggin.

Katie's the 2012 A$AP Rocky because her Rap career is being carefully cultivated by a power-blogger since she's currently dating David from So Many Shrimp/The Fader, although you didn't hear that gossip from me, aiight?

Hop onboard now before she becomes the talk of Tumblr and you can even get to comment on her resemblance to the Eskimo girlfriend of Kiwi backpack-blogger/Philaflava forum firecracker Jaz for the ultimate in 'net Rap-nerd in-joke kudos :


Trying to work out whether this is a beatjack of some song by the likes of Tyga or Ace Hood, or whether Chi-Town's Katie really has somehow managed to secure herself a Luger beat?

An A-Mafia compilation 4 u

Last year I tried to tell you about how A-Mafia is the latest descendent in the classic Harlem thug henchman-Rapper lineage which includes AZie & Pretty Tone Capone from MobStyle, Bloodshed & C.O.C-era Herb McGruff, and Hell Rell circa Diplomatic Immunity Volume 1 but all y'all bloggers just continued writing think-pieces about A$AP Rocky and posting Smoke DZA remixes. I'm not bitter, though, because sometimes youze guys just need a helpin' hand in the right direction, so here's a belated Xmas present in the form of a 10 song compilation of the best chinchilla-Mafia songs from the past couple of years I've zipped up as an introduction to those of you still snoozin' on the only Uptown Rapper with blood on the bottom of his ACGs :


~ A-Mafia : Illmafic ~

1. Ted Dibiase
2. My Side Of The Story
3. 2050
4. Road To The Riches
5. Wayne Perry
6. I Believe I Can Fly
7. Shine On (with Charlie Clipz)
8. Foldin' $100 Billz
9. Real Live Pro remix (with JR Writer & 2 Chainz)
10. 1000 Grams
~~> DOWNLOAD HERE <~~
All of these are legit songs bar 2050 and Road To The Riches, but both are essential to the 2010/2011 A-Mafia oeuvre and more than manage to do justice to their original sources. It'd be disingenuous to try and convince you that Godzilla-Mafia is a major Dipset talent, but he does share a particular trait with Cam and Max in their respective primes by possessing the uncanny ability to sound great over any style of production, thus he's one of the few N.Y Rappers to comfortably navigate Luger and ersatz-Luger beats without sounding like the Rap version of Guy Coma. So, tie a pair of red underpants around your head and take a bite of that chicken with us million dollar whiggaz like Ted Dibiase who've been goin' O.T since 2007.

I don't believe you, bitch, 'til you kill sumthin'

"Nu$$ie gots ta go, Nu$$ie gots ta go
that boy actin' bad, he gonna ruin us fa sho"

Nu$$ie - Score 5-0
(From Bad Azz album; 2006)


We're all about equilibrium here at The Martorialist, and so if the Louisiana D.A are going to use Boosie's own lyrics against him during his trial for Nu$$ie's murder then can't his lawyers then employ various lines from Nu$$ie songs as evidence that Nu$$ie was pretty much begging to have himself murked and have Boosie cop out to a plea of assisted suicide rather than the current homicide charge?

Anybody have the Bad Azz CD? It's not listed at Amazon or Discogs, nor does it appear to have ever uploaded it to the 'net bar a couple of songs on Youtube. By Anybody I'm specifically referring to you, Blast.

You're dead to me, bruh-bruh

Husalah hanging out with white ppl backstage at a Theophilus London show = that moment the mystique is forever obliterated a la the video of Beanie flashing Come Hither eyes at Peedi as he whispered sweet nothings in his ear or the clip of a black-eyed Cam'Ron wearing Daisy Dukes in the tiny backyard of his bungalow in Miami.

Ayo David SMS

How come you haven't got a Danny Bonaduce in old Dr Dre videos-esque cameo in the long-awaited Too Cool video then, bruv?

King Louie - Too Cool
(From Chiraq Drillinois mixtape; 2011)


Truthfully, the video is a tad lacking in both T&A and Louie's dancing for my liking, but here's hoping it does the job and doesn't vanish from the web after a couple of days like the Work Something clip did. Bring that shit back, DGainz!

King Louis

It's come to my attention that there doesn't seem to be a single picture of the Pen & Pixel album cover Shawn Brauch cooked up for Louis Theroux on the internet currently, so thought I'd rectify the situation since I'm experiencing somewhat of a creative drought in regards to blogging at the moment :

"A cat loving gangsta is what you are!"

2012 : the year in which Blogspot users officially become as lazy as the denizens of Tumblr?

Wanted dead or alive # 11 : I'm A Shop Shutter

Heard a snippet of a Baton Rogue stomper called I'm A Shop Shutter by The Shop Shutters on one of Frankie Tha Lucky Dog's Louisiana Pit radio show videos from 2010 which I've become moderately obsessed with, but the only other trace I can find of it online is a 2009 review of the 2007 CD it comes from on Frankie's blog with a link to a website to buy it that's currently a shut shop.

Anybody have any info' about the The Beginning CD by Shop Shutters? There's another couple of snippets of I'm A Shop Shutter in this R.I.P Big Markee video Frankie put together which make me go Whoa Na because it sounds so awesome but then leave me all tearful like Waaaah-Waaaaah because I'll probably never hear it in its entirity :

The teams that meet in Maf'

"'Cause A get doe, supply bricks for more cheddar
they say I flow like Nas mixed with Cormega"
A-Mafia - Road To The Riches
(From Youtube; 2011)


Thought I'd rip this from Youtube because it only seems to exist on there currently other than some stupidly pitched-up version of it that appeared on a DJ Cash Crook mixtape last week and I utilised the most primitive Youtube-to-MP3 software on my computer to give it the crackly feel of some old Doo Wop mixtape freestyle. Not entirely sure about that lyric above, though, since A-Mafia released more great songs in 2011 than Nas has made in the 7+ years since 2004, right?

Peter Gunnz

It seems distinctly possible E-40 might be running low on beats given that he's dropping 3 albums in 1 day later this year with the Block Brochure trilogy, so here's a suggestion from ya boy who thought the title track of Cousin Fik's first 'tape was superior to anything on his more celebrated second 'tape last year - get busy over the electronic version of Peter Gunn from the 1983 Bally Midway arcade version of Spy Hunter :


I got luh for the Mancini original and the subsequent covers by Elvis, the Blues Brothers and Art Of Noise & Duane Eddy but Knuck if You Buck to all my fellow 70s babies raised in the 80s who consider the Spy Hunter version as the definitive take on Peter Gunn due to a childhood misspent in seaside towns stealing money from slot machines in order to fund their addiction to the O.G cockpit arcade game.

Droop-E sampling the obvious melody for an E-40 & B-Legit sex-jam by the name of Thigh Hunter would be cool 'n' all, but '40 is a virtuoso performer who possesses a flow so acrobatic he can tackle production the average Rapper would run a mile from and so him weaving some sort of epic D-Boy narrative storytelling track about car chases on packed freeways, backstreet blowjobs from 'hoodrats and shoot-outs in motel rooms for cocaine with semi-automatic pistols entitled Pie Hunter over the winding terrain of the full 5 minute 34 second of it here would be the ideal scenario.

Reasons why I love Youtube # 18

For the Video-Thunder homies - the very rare and secrete clip of former creepy child antiques expert-turned-Cherie Blair carbon-copy trannie Lauren "James" Harries performance of Dead Or Alive's You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) with a little help from its architect former 80s pop star-turned-UK-equivalent of Ru-Paul-meets-Mickey Rourke trannie Pete Burns on Big Brother's Bit On The Side late last year; the most surreal TV performance since Corey Feldman lip-synced What's Up With Youth on Howard Stern's old Channel 9 show in 1992 :


And for the Rap-nerd homies, in addition to my theory that Max B may have possibly pilfered his cackle from Mystikal, is it possible he also sneakily plagiarized his OWWW-ing from Pete Burns' revamped karaoke rendition of You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) on Celebrity Big Brother back in 2006 after his British man dem Tanna and the 031 UK Bloods accidentally sent him & French Montana a DVD of CBB4 highlights instead of the fabled footage of Juelz getting kidnapped and robbed in London?


SMH @ the only Rap song to interpolate You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) being by a hack like Flo Rida. Ma$e and Puffy circa '98 woulda/coulda/shoulda slayed that shit.

The grillz dat pay da billz

Blahzay Blahzay - Ice Grillz
(From Buzy Blahzay 12"; 2000)


I never had much time for either part of Danger, Pain I Feel, Blah Blah Blah, Good Cop Bad Cop or anything else from the Blahzay Blahzay LP in 1996, but this indie-era cut 12" on Fat Beats from four years later had me scrambling through the flotsam & jetsam who'd stand around in legendary defunct London record store Mr Bongo on a saturday afternoon getting in the way when I was trying to browse for old Beatnuts singles to get to the counter and ask what it was after hearing it there sometime around summer 2000.

The Blahzay lads do their thing ("when we war, your blood'll bubble when you bleed/n*ggas actin' funny when I'm with the momma of my seed"), but I'm sure even their nearest 'n' dearest would be willing to concede that P.F. Cuttin' is the star of the song with his spooky production giving the song a feel of narrow-eyed staredowns on the Brooklyn train and the scratched hook of that Busta line from his joint on the Madd Rapper album where D. Dot Rapped like a non-limp wristed Kweli being the soundtrack which always plays in my head when giving the evil-eye to teenagers in the cinema who are contemplating coming to sit near us on the back row. Shoo, back down a few tiers you fucking feral rubes.

P.F. Cuttin' must've really dug whatever the sample is on this because he reused it again 7 years later for the intro on Sean Price's Jesus Price Supastar album. P's the better rapper, but Ice Grillz goes way harder as a song.