Wednesday, 16 December 2009
What's a goon to a gobbling?
With the fragmented way we live our lives these days, where technology has enabled us to submerge ourselves in our interests and niche information, it's hard not to feel distanced from your fellow man when making polite chit-chat at the water cooler or on public transport, but if there's one thing Bob from the accounts department or that dude who was tryna tell me about his moped on the train last week and I can agree on it's that there is no greater feeling - other than watching Liverpool's season in utter turmoil before Xmas, obviously - than getting your schlong sucked. Luckily, rappers also agree with us, so here's the 5 best rap songs about fellatio.
Too $hort - Blowjob Betty
$hort's The Bitch Sucks Dick was the first rap song about oral stimulation to zee cock, but Blowjob Betty is his masterpiece in the realm of odes to gettin' yer johnson sucked due to the death-by-nut finale and the delightful union of trademark $hort synth funk and the Bam Bam sample. All rap songs about receiving head which came thereafter had to aspire to this level of detail and greatness.
Akinyele - Take A Lick
Put It In Your Mouth gets all the plaudits from squares, but real headz (lol headz - geddit?) know that Take A Lick is Ak's preeminent paean to the art of gettin' some brain with it's narrative game of cat-and-mouse between Ak' and his hesitant-to-suck British bird, which ends in a compromise of mutual bliss via a 69. We all gotta eat, yo, and shame on y'all for having the nerve to think all rappers are selfish, misogynistic pigs.
NWA - Just Don't Bite It
A friend and I once argued over whether this or She Swallowed It is the ultimate NWA blowjob anthem but I refuse to budge over my allegiance to Just Don't Bite It. Both are essentially Ren solo tracks about gettin' your spam javelin wetted up but Just Don't Bite It wins every time for the Eazy skits on the intro and outro, the superior beat, the fact that it doesn't feature one of Ren's lines about sticking broomsticks up butts, and its usage as backing music on much of the infamous pool party footage on the Eful4zaggin dvd. Ren informing us that he's gonna take one of his breezies to "a room, ayo, i mean a restroom/and stick my dick in her mouth like a wet broom" is evidence than NWA were just some ol' romantics at heart.
Three 6 Mafia ft. DJ Unk - I'd Rather Get Sum Head
Good ol' Three 6 and their many ballads dedicated to gettin' noshed off. Lesser blogs would've probably chosen Slob On My Knob for their Their 6 selection, but here at The Martorialist we're down with I'd Rather Get Sum Head's mantra of "I love havin' sex, but I'd rather get sum head". Like Cam'Ron opined to Westwood in that video where The Big Dog was driving Dipset and Cam's bird around London, once you get to the age of 30 a nut becomes a nut and you may as well attempt to get it in the most pleasurable way possible. A morning-glory salute (no Jim Dangle from Reno 911) also goes to Three 6's mate Project Pat and his very own superbly trenchant Sucks On Dick.
UGK - Pregnant Pussy
And, finally, the apogee of rap songs about fellatio. Camouflaged as an appraisal of sex with women who are heavily up-the-duff, infrared technology isn't needed to find the true intention behind this tenderly craftly ode to extremely risque oral sex as the "Pregnant pussy is the best you can get, fuckin' a bitch while her baby suckin' dick hook and Pimp C's first verse prove. Parental discretion iz advised indeed :
I guess you could call me a family man
'cause I care for bitch's babies every chance that I can
I don't give 'em clothes, or diapers and shit
but I like to feed their babies with my big black dick
'Cause I'ma tell you if you didn't know
you ain't did shit until you fucked a pregnant hoe
The pussy is hotter, it's got an extra kick
it feel like hot potato pie around your dick
Sometimes I swing high, sometimes I swing low
sometimes I like to fuck a pregnant bitch on my flo'
Hit it kinda hard, and beat it up bad
fuck her chest and give her cherry blisters on her ass
'Cause if she expectin', I can satisfy
and at the same time give her kid a pacifer
And I love it when I bust that ol' nut
'cause I know her baby just gon' lick it all up.
Feel free to add your own mildly racist ..and to think black American men are often criticized for their parental skills joke in here as a closer, while I make like R. Kelly on the Ignition remix and Bounce, Bounce my ass outta here.