Monday, 26 July 2010

Great rap songs by caucasoids

Are you a 40-something white male from the UK or Germany who thinks Dr Dre became worthless after The World Class Wrecking Crew disbanded? Was seeing K-Klass live in 1990 the cultural highpoint of your life post-1987? Do you need a little corner of the internet to make "Black people can have the MOBO awards, so how come we'd be racist if we had the Music-Of-White-Origin awards?" threads of your very own which will receive completely straight-faced answers agreeing that, yeah, it's totally unfair? If so, step this way, gents, because is your new manor.

Please understand that I'm not just saying this because I managed to blag an mp3 of the Aux 88 remix of Electronic Warfare by Underground Resistance from there, but maybe the aged ravers of Electro Empire do have the slightest quiver of a point on that third issue. The rap blogosphere is effectively 85 - 90% made up of a perpetual Who Is Most Sympatheic To The Plight Of The Black Man? pissing contest between self-loathing pilgrims who despise their own, so perhaps it's time to show some love to the poor whizzite rappers with their awkward Dan Ackroyd sounding voices and their laughable attempts at talking tuff.

Because we're all about equality here at The Martorialist, here's 10 great songs by my cracka-ass-crackas. Nothing by House Of Pain because they were shit and Everlast is the male Tarrie B, nothing by Cage because I don't have mp3s of 54 or either of the songs from the first Smut Peddlers 12" (Mighty Mi production > Necro production), nothing by El-P because he's a ginger who raps like John Barnes on World In Motion, nothing by Milkbone because Big L's ghost pretty much owns the rights to Keep It Real now, and nothing by Necro because I've never sacrificed any of my pets, except perhaps the stick insects I had in junior school who started eating each other when I put together them in the same bowl. Shit, I didn't know that was going to happen.

Beastie Boys - Posse In Effect

So, The D.O.C cruelly had his vocal chords crushed in his prime, DMC now sounds like a 93 year old cigar smoker and MCA ended up with throat cancer, yet Joe Budden quickly recovered from a polyp on his right lung? What sort of twisted world is this? Sen Dog must be absolutely bricking it right now. Anyway, you really shouldn't need me to explain the greatness of the Beasties from Cooky Puss to Paul's Boutique to you (they had their moments after, but they'd lost something in humour and bratty swag) when we have that clip from The Tube that Videothunder posted the other day.

R.A The Rugged Man - Stanley Kubrick

If there's a rule I live by when encountering fellow rap nerds it's : Never Trust Anyone Who Likes R.A's Crustified Dibbs Album, which is just the archetypal terrible unreleased album people sweat just because it's rare. R.A is the white rapper who was just godawful when he first came out (Cunt Renaissance aside, obviously) who suddenly got good and, with the exception of Yelawolf and the slight possibility of Bubba, the only one here still capable of making good music in 2010.

Bubba Sparxxx - Jimmy Mathis

Rap A&R's don't know what the fuck they're doing part 348765 : Interscope picking two dud singles in-a-row from Bubba's sophomore album with Back In The Mud and Deliverance despite the fact that it contained at least 3 potential monster hits in Jimmy Mathis (which even came out on 12", ffs), Like It Or Not with Sleepy Brown and Hootnanny with the Timberlake, all of which, I contend, would've blown up back in 2003 had his label released them as proper singles with videos instead. Speaking of Bubba 12"s, Disappear was an excellent Deliverance-era track which only made it to wax.

Eminem - Role Model

That Eminem and his multiple funny accents, eh? I suppose it's sorta impressive that he can rap in a flawless Pepe Le Pew tone, but I liked him best when he had that whole Puffy on the Dolly My Baby remix voice going on circa the Slim Shady EP/album.

T-Bo & Mike Da Hustla - #1 Headbusters

Anything I need to say about the O.G's of moonshine & rhinestones-rap, T-Bo & Mike Da Hustla, I already said in that plea for any No Limit era Curren$y post I made a couple of weeks ago.

Paul Wall ft. Big Pokey - Sittin' Sidewayz

Is there a more poignant symbol of racism being alive and well in modern America than The Peoples Champ ending up as the most solid album of the whole '05 Houston explosion ahead of the efforts by Slim Thug, Chamillionaire, and Mike Jones?

Edan - Emcees Smoke Crack remix

I wasn't really feeling much of his earlier '88-pastiche material or any his later "I've just bought the 2nd and 3rd Love LP's a copy of Nuggets!" Beauty And Beat era stuff, but the Emcees Smoke Crack remix is just a wonderful song that I can't imagine anyone else rapping over, and that's the litmus test to qualify as a peckerwood-rap classic.

Yelawolf - Pop The Trunk

So, Yelawolf is going for that whole Knockemstiff steez here, but I find it really difficult to take seriously when he's basically Ricardo from The Salon X the fauk-punk orientel floorsweeper from Miami Ink. That Trunk Muzik mixtape of his is a little overrated, but this is still a top 5 single of the year so far for me.

Young Black Teenagers - First True Love Affair

If YBT's first album didn't invite them enough ridicule, they only went and titled their second set Dead Enz Kidz Doin' Lifetime Bidz and spent its duration ripping off Naughty By Nature, Onyx, and House Of Pain. It's one good moment (and perhaps the only good song of their career) was First True Love Affair, which remains proof that flirtations with Disco can make literally anyone listenable.

Uninteresting rap fact of the day : YBT had a member called KamRon.

Goretex ft. Necro - DopeSick

What, you think I don't know that Goretex isn't white? Actually, I didn't until a friend pointed it out because all the Non Phixions members are interchangable tubby whiggas to me, but there's a rule we must observe on this one : if you're a member of Non Phixion and Necro produced most of your stuff, then you're white. I don't care if you're Idris "Driis" Elba or Clarence Seedorf, if you rap in a group with Ill Bill and the little one who nobody can ever remember the name of and Necro is responsible for most of your beats then you're a fucking saltine, son.

Pete Nice & Daddy Rich - Kick The Bobo

Only good Scarface pastiche in a rap video ever? It's certainly better than the Piggie & Buff intro to 2pac's 2 Of Amerikaz Most Wanted anyway. I wanted to end this post with Product Of The Environment by 3rd Bass, but Youtube only has the crap remix video, so Pete's solo Dre Day/Real Muthaphukkin' G's will have to do instead.

Berner - Well Connected

I initially didn't include anything by Berner on this because, even though I quite like him, I couldn't really think of anything by him which doesn't feature a Mob Figaz member or affiliate, but then Done mentioned him in the comment section and got me checking Youtube to see if he has got any solo stuff I like and I'm kinda feelin' Well Connected off his upcoming project with Messy Marv over the Dynasty intro sample now that I can't bring myself to ever listen to Jay-Z again. Oh wait, i forgot that Dipset freestyled over the Dynasty intro and are now the legal owners of that sample, so Berner loses this one. Sorry, pal.


Anonymous said...

"If you're a member of Non Phixion and Necro produced most of your stuff, then you're white. I don't care if you're Idris "Driis" Elba or Clarence Seedorf, if you rap in a group with Ill Bill and the little one who nobody can ever remember the name of and Necro is responsible for most of your beats then you're a fucking saltine, son."

^^^if I had a Tumblr I'd be posting this in italics on there right now.

done said...

yeah i wonder if theres any way that you can get no-berner versions of those jacka and berner albums ala the wayne and birdman album?
i always had a suspicion berner is actually a decent rapper but just ruins it with his delivery (dan ackroyd voice included) to the point where i cant even tell. is this white guilt comin through or should all white rappers just be pretty much black sunding like paul wall?

always thought it was funny how 3rd bass occasionally spouted vaguely 5 percenter type stuff, thats your self hatred right there ha

MF said...

I don't mind Berner (though I'd prefer the Mob just used him as a Serch in 94esque executive producer as he has great taste in beats), but i'm positive there are Berner-less versions of those 2 albums with Jacka.

done said...

shit it never occoured to me how responsible serch might be for illmatics production, explains so much- it was never too much weed or whatever, nas just has no taste. although he obviously smokes too much weed. wonder if that damian marley album fared better, cant face listenin to it to find out tho.
i think havin ears for beats an quality control is a really big part of what makes a lot of thses newer bay dudes so great
no luck findin anythin sans berner, if anyone has a link itd be appreciated.

The CritIQ said...

What d'ya mean there's not many great paleface rappers? What abouts: Blade, Vinnie Spaz the Herbal Homogram, Sabac Red (4th member of Non Dickxion), Taskforce, Jehst, Skinnyman, Ali G, Vanilla Ice and Snow (to name a few).

If you think 3rd Bass pandering to vaguely 5%er rhetoric was weird, you obviously haven't heard Remedy. Remedy is the Wu's token White/Jewish affiliate. He's like a Cappadonna wannabe and spouts all that sub-Russel Grant bollocks about pyramids and numerology and arm-leg-leg-arm-head guff.

There are some seriously incredible 'caucasoid' rap peeps but something tells me you already know that so I'll leave you to your championing of spectacularly unremarkable Gangsta rap and deservedly obscure Southern rappers.

The CritIQ said...

"Though I wouldn't consider Ghostface Killah a poet of the Anticon Calibre." (Jay Seagraves, 2000).

MF said...

Oh no you just didn't drop Jay Seagraves's most famous quotable and diss T-Bo & Mike Da Hustla!

Done - it's not an album I'm hugely fond of myself, but Serch A&R-ed Word..Life too.

Are any of you guys familar with Jeezy's token pilgrim member of the CTE crew, the imaginaginatively named White?

Lookin' like Tommy Boyd dressed as a member of Pop Will Eat Itself is what's hot in the 'hood in 010, apparently.

Sha Deezy said...

Sabac Red had the best lines in Non Phixion!

done said...

holy shit code name is my new favourite video. seriously though i would rather listen to that dude than berner, although above beat is nice. didnt camp lo have some song that flipped dynasty sample? maybe berner'l grow on me, i find a lot of bay rappers are aqquired tastes for some reason.

this one makes White look like farakhan(?) tho:
bizarrely, he is pretty good

i liked word life, its not as consistent but id say thats more on oc, that ma dukes beat was not done justice.

and blade aint no devil, hes middle eastern, tho its an understandable mistake cos he has all the charm of a typical whitey on the mic.

MF said...

Hah, as soon as you said "this one makes White look like farakhan" I knew it was gonna be that dude.

Despite the fact that Rittz is technically more amusing looking, I'm ridin' with White here since he's a dreadlocked 50 year old dope slanging caucasian Crip who gets chauffeured around in a vintage white luxury car like Ted Dibiase when he isn't being fawned over by black women.

That's pretty fucking impressive.

done said...

you got me, white's whole steez is technically more mental. he has to be at least forty-odd.

i completely missed the crip thing, what the fuck? quik needs to do an update of just like compton with crackers in.

brad said...

lmao @ white


Mr Bozack said...

Wot, no White Child Rix?!

And, yeh - Product of the Environment is one of my favourite ever tunes.

The CritIQ said...

Hey MF. You mentioned YBT's Kamron - he co-starred in House Party 2:

Are you gonna do a British version of this post?

MF said...

No way. I always thought that dude in House Party 2 was a Mexican or something.

Think I'll be giving the Great Rap Songs By Caucasoids From The UK post a miss, btw.

done said...

It has since been brought to my attention by a reputable bay area source that Berner is Mexican.

SMDH at "black sunding" above, Im a right triflin' cunt sometimes.