Rap & BULLSHIT

Today's topic: Rap rumours from the pre-internet dayz of wayback with some urban myths which Chinese whispered their way across the Atlantic ocean to suburban England. It later transpired they were all fabrication not 1 fact, but a lot of them seemed plausible at the time. Truth be told, a handful of these duck tales may have been invented by my teenage m8 Butty Bate - a serial liabetic Billy Bullshitter who went on to do a stretch in prison for insurance fraud.

* LL Cool J lost his hair when he was a kid due to a perm which went disasterously wrong.

* Slick Rick lost his eye due to a nasty infection which was caused by a pigeon shitting on him.

* Dana Dane was Slick Rick's twin brother.

* Ice-T & Darlene released a p0rn movie sometime in the late 1980s.

* Shock G and Humpty Hump were 2 different rappers.

* MC Hammer's touted dance battle with Michael Jackson actually happened behind closed doors and Hammer won.

* 2Pac was the dancing black lad in the video for Jane's Addiction's Been Caught Stealing.

* Cypress Hill's B-Real was related to Mike Muir from Suicidal Tendencies and both groups were all members of the same L.A gang.

* The lass who gets drenched in booze in the Nuthin' But A "G" Thang video was Julie Carmen.

* Eazy-E caught HIV off Tairrie B/Eazy-E was injected with HIV by one of Suge Knight's goons.

* KMD were in an episode of Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

* Zev Luv X ended up in Bellevue mental hospital after Subroc died and KMD were dropped by Elektra Records.

* Pete Rock & CL Smooth split up because CL had set up a carwash franchise which was far more financially rewarding.

* Freddie Foxxx sodomised one of Benzino's crew with a baseball bat.

* Before Wu-Tang blew up, ODB was a legit homeless bum who lived in an abandoned subway tunnel under Staten Island.

* Kool Keith was gonna make a p0rn movie companion to his Sex Style album starring himself and the p0rn0 actress on the album's front cover.

* Lil' Kim offered her fans blowjobs for money at a concert and swallowed so much jizz she had to go to hospital to get her stomach pumped.

* 2Pac faked his own death, hid out for months, and then killed Biggie on March 9th 1997.

* James Murdoch released a Rap 12" single on Rawkus Records.

* 50 Cent got shot up by some Staten Island goons in retaliation for dissing Wu-Tang on How To Rob.

Crosstown Traffic

Max B - Why You Do That (instrumental)
(From Why You Do That single; 2007)


Via this video, sum shit I read: the production duo Arkatech Beatz made the Why You Do That beat for Jim Jones and arranged a meeting with him at ByrdGang's studio, but then got caught up in heavy traffic and by the time they arrived Jones had left. Max B was still in the studio writing and recording and told the Arkatech lads he'd pass their beat CD on to Jones, so they left it with him. Max listened to the CD, heard the Why You Do That beat, loved it, decided to keep it for himself, and the rest is history innit. Now, I'm a big fan of O.G ByrdGang era Jim Jones, but praise the Lord for New York's heavy traffic that fateful day. A stroke of serendipity which was both fortunate and glorious.

Max B - Why You Do That
(From Why You Do That single; 2007)


A quick browse through the Arkatech Beatz production discography reveals that Why You Do That is easily the best beat in their entire catalogue. That said, they were also behind the title track of Big Pun's first album so fair play to the lads.

My Mind Spray 4

This picture of Mac Dre in Hawaii was a physical manifestation of his "I want my own Island, betcha ima get it" lyric.

I thought Flo Milli was in danger of becoming into the new OMB Peezy: a young Alabama upstart who got brainwashed into making boring Spotify playlist fodder. Turns out she's #actually the new Beastie Boys: as the bratty belligerence disappears, so does the magic. Her new album got a couple of jams, but she's mostly lost what made her unique: that she was a hoodrat Angelica from Rugrats.

Tired: CD reissues of every every mediocre regional '90s G-Funk album. Wired: CD reissues of no-DJ versions of Max B's late '00s mixtapes.

Another reason why New Yorkers are such terrible authorities on their own Rap music: they've been bodied at documenting their own '80s history by a guy from Virginia.

If some music critic writes a Wasn't Timbaland brilliant? article and doesn't mention any of the Timbaland & Magoo singles then, to misquote Magoo himself, that music critic got no taste, we fart on your thinkpiece. Yeah, Magoo has a funny voice, but so does Kendrick Lamar and some of you ponces swear he's The Most Important Artiste Of This Generation™.

If the clothes really do maketh the man then these jeans explain why 70th Street Carlos' music is such a confused mess nowadays.

DJ Vlad and Joe Budden have made me hate Rap gossip, but I'd still love to hear the full unedited version of Mad Skillz Ghost Writer. Scandalous when it dropped, it's one of my favourite Rawkus Records singles and 22 years later it still works as a Rap industry cryptic crossword even though some of the blanks have been filled in.

Mad Skillz ft. DJ Fusion - Ghost Writer
(From Ghost Writer 12" single; 2000)

Zero Dark 40 · Mad Skillz - Ghost Writer

Operation CB

You, a square: upon initial contact with this trendy new drumless Rap album, I can deduce that it has redefined how Rappers use negative space to find previously-unexplored new pockets.

Me, a connoisseur: M8, City Girls combined Planet Rock with Percolator and the results are pure Miami Bass Poison Quim madness.

City Girls - Twerkulator
(From the internet; 2021)


Apparently this song got officially cock-blocked by sample clearance. Gonna hazard a guess that Bambaataa was asking for too big a bag since the noncing allegations have left him broke and hiding out in Germany. Never forget!

Brief thoughts on the leaked Jay Electronica album

Jay Electronica? More like Jay He's One Song Wonder amirite. Deepest condolences to anybody who genuinely thought this album would "save Hip-Hop" lolz. Even Saigon's mediocre The Greatest Story Never Told LP was better than this meandering nonsense. This shit is just a half-arsed Killah Priest album with shout outs to Puffy and Kate Middleton.

PS: the next time your tinfoil hat stoner m8 tells you that the Rothschild family secretly control the world, remind him that the Rothschild family couldn't even control one of their heiresses from getting babbied up by a lazy drunken crackpot Rapper like Jay Electronica.

Loyal T

"No, I don't think that you dumb
But I know what I woulda done
And I don't f*ck with no n*gga that blocked me from feedin' my son"

Mic Terror - Ride
(From The Rona album; 2020)

Mic Terror · Ride

Dramatic piano banger alert! A song about some real shit which gets real specific about one of Mic T's ex-m8s at the end of verse one. Nowadays I don't give a f*ck about gossip unless it's a stock tip, but the aforementioned part of the song is a heartfelt explanation of why Mic no longer fuxwit his longtime producer Mano. Song hits hard because it's a universal concept with a dash of anecdotal personal context.

"But we be killin' shows like haters kills hoes
Got me throwin' out flows just like blowin' my nose"

Hollywood Holt & Million $ Mano - The Show
(From the internet; 2011)

Colin Ofloy · Hollywood Holt & Million $ Mano - The Show

Bonus Treated Crew beats: there's a buncha Mic Terror, Gzus Piece/White Gzus songs I wish had blown up, and then there's Hollywood Holt's best song here. Sometimes the obviously corny sample is the absolutely correct sample.

Agallah The Don Beckham

Sum shit I recently found out: Agallah's proto-Wavy mixtape classic Gangster debuted on this Bork-released 12" in 2002 under the title of Gangsta 4 My Homies. Handy to know if, like me, you still think all your fave Rap songs deserve to exist on 12" backed with an obligatory instrumental version.

Agallah - Gangster
(From Imagine Your Life 12"; 2002/Doomsday mixtape; 2004)


One of my favourite things about Gangster is that you can use it to play 6 degrees of separation with Agallah and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham: Gangster appeared on Kay Slay's Diplomats Volume 4 mixtape next to M.O.P's That Simple AKA the track which would later become the Posh Spice & Mash Out Posse collaboration after Dame Dash tried to sign her to Roc-A-Fella. Dame, you a fool for that one!

Dame, you also a fool for the Posh Spice & Jim Jones song!

Generic list post: October 2019

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when Drew Millard had one of the best top fives that BBC best Hip Hop songs poll thing. Is it time for a critical reevaluation of the Millardmeister?

2Pac - Letz Get It On (Ready 2 Rumble) (O.G version) (1996/2019)
Sada Baby - Lame (2019)
BandGang Lonnie Bands ft. ShittyBoyz - Simba (2019)
A-Mafia - Riding Alone (2019)
The Egyptian Lover - 5¢ Camel Ride (Long Version) (2019)
Other notables: stoked to see Open Mike Eagle's Single Ghosts finally getting blessed with a video; the challenge remix of Eatem's Whoop Sum turned out to be a better video than song; gave JPEGMAFIA's new album a spin and was reminded why I can't listen to ANY rapper who wears Doc Marten boots; was gonna peep Danny Brown's new album until I saw El-P appears on there which resulted in a flashback to the Godawful Huzzah remix; is 645AR's Bible & A K the birth of Eunoch-Rap?

Bonus beats deluxe: the best Rap songs of the 2010s, imho.

The Poor Elementz: Wicked22

A new series dedicated to various 4 elementz survivalists polluting t'internet who make Dart Adams seem like one of the DGB guys. For doz who've slept, allow me to introduce Wicked22.

Who dat: quintessential REAL HIP HOP retard who looks like tubby Scott Storch if he were an extra in Dilated Peoples' Worst Comes To Worst video. Wicked22 is known for bragging he has a mammoth 'vinyls' collection, yet appears to have no more than 500 records maximum in the myriad of pictures he carpet bombs the internet with.

Greatest quotes: "For all you br0s asking if Black Jeff and Asian Jeff are my only ethnic friends, here's a spreadsheet which breaks down the races of the 37 people I count as actual close friends. These are the people who I would wish a happy birthday to and people who I'd help out if they needed my help. Those 37 friends are people who I pretty regularly keep in touch with, 12-15 of which I semi-regularly see and hangout with."

Key beefs: "gAY ass mainstream rap"; "fAGGIT ass nerd rap"; "gAY ass drumless rap"; "fAGGIT ass MP3s"; former UGHH.com CEO Adam "Quest" Walder.

Notable opinionz: doesn't so much have opinions as a handful of stockphrases he's been repeating ad nauseam for the last 15 years. Where A.C The Program Director's parochial backwardness can be explained by the head injury he suffered in the 90's, Wicked's myopic palilalia is the sewage pipe through which his Asperger's flows.

Other eccentricities: wearing t-shirts over sweatshirts; creepy fetish for AZN women; big craft beer enthusiast.

The Poor Elementz: A.C The Program Director

A new series dedicated to various 4 elementz survivalists polluting t'internet who make Dart Adams seem like one of the DGB guys. For doz who've slept, allow me to introduce A.C The Program Director.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by A.C. The P.D. aka El Choppo (@acthepd) on Dec 15, 2018 at 11:24pm PST

Who dat: Wee Man from Jackass-looking L.A troglodyte who KRS One kicked out of the Temple Of Hip Hop for being too insane. A.C suffered some sort of severe head injury in the early 90s which somewhat explains his retardation.

Greatest quotes: "When 2Pac died I said to the homies ‘let's go get Ice Cube!!’"

Key beefs: KRS One; Ice Cube; people with "earbola"; Stones Throw Records; Robbie Unkut; anyone who doesn't subscribe to his patented Hip Hop Philosophy.

Notable opinionz: insisting race doesn't exist; declaring that Dooley O is this century's best rapper; claiming a club night is "not a real hip hop jam" if the DJ plays songs people already know; opining that producers aren't real unless they can indulge in an impromptu beatbox battle.

Claims to fame: calling up Jay-Z on The Wake Up Show and telling him he needs to "try harder"; making those REAL HIP HOP IS NOT ON THE RADIO t-shirts DJ Premier wears; bragging that he sleeps on top of his record crates; spamming the Unkut.com comment section for years.

Other eccentricities: thinks everyone should drive solar power cars; possible owner of the world's largest collection of 3/4 length cargo shorts.

Every member of Das Racist has now been accused of sexual assault

Who saw this coming? Certainly not the girl Kool A.D raped when she was sleeping.

Das Racist, Yung Gleesh, Antwon, RiFF RaFF... Is there a single rapper Brendan Soderberg used to Stan for in 2011/2012 who hasn't been accused of sexual assault?

Now that's what the f**k I call a chain reaction!

If A-Wax now refuses to make good music/argue with Husalah on social media then at least he's making himself useful in the Rap game by coming out with the best chain of 2018. How's this for a wet dream?:

A post shared by A-Wax (@waxfase) on May 25, 2018 at 3:45pm PDT

Antwon22

Dunno about youze lot, but here at The Martorialist we're absolutely flabbergasted that some shitty Tumblr rapper who used to chum it up with ex-SPIN writers involved in Das Rapistgate and various failed aspiring A&Rs from The Wavery would turn out to be a serial-sex predator. Where art thou Kitty Pryde when t'internet requires you to call a Tumblr rapper's rape victims a bunch of attention-seeking liars again?

Actual factz, relax: in terms of #problematicness and rapey behaviour, Tumblr rappers beget Soundcloud rappers. If Das Racist were the Tumblr-rap(ist) XXXtentacion, then Yung Gleesh was the Tekashi69, and now Antwon is the No Jumper weed carrier Lil' Housephone.

I'm part of the mafia, Czechoslovakia

"My girl is AZN, my gun is Russian
Shit stay wet because they both be bussin'"

Husalah - Bad Young Thang
(From H album; 2018)


The combination of RobLo production & Lev Berlak engineering stays soundin' like it was beamed down from another planet, huh? Like I said to Homeboy Bobby Sandsman AKA Donal, Bad Young Thang has gotta be the most effective The Power Of Mac Dre Compels Thee track since J-Diggs' What Would Dre Say. Even squares and stoolies gotta put their E.T fingers up for this one.

Weirdest thing about the Husalah album is that A-Wax didn't make a single Instagram post besmirching it. Has the 'Wax vs. Hus' beef finally gone to the crossroads?

Generic list post: March 2018

Obligatory wrap-up post of those songs I've played most during the month when Soundcloud-rap's Captain Save-A-Paedo army formed like Voltron.

Ghost8800 - Sonic Boom (video mix) (2012)
Mozzy - Who I Am (2018)
Roc Marciano - 67 Lobby (2018)
Rich Blue - Hands Hands (2018)
The J.B.'s - Crossover (1977)
Diana Ross ft. Michael Mars Bar - Upside Down (Live) (1981)
Other notables: initially dismissed OMB Peezy's Ride as corny Po Pimp nostalgia, but that shit is a grower if you can get your noggin' around the notion of Peezy doing a Rap & Bullshit radio jam; Juice & Gin is what Two 16's might have sounded like if Valee had complimented ZMoney's verse rather than just dropping a breezeblock of words on there with no regards for the rest of the track; those two singles by Quelle Chris & Jean Grae are more like soundtracks to alt-comedy videos than songs; YG and Queen Key both let ya host down with their respective new singles.

Clear and Present Ginger

The Jamie Jinx™ strikes again! I'm not sayin' that El-P is a danger to ethnic minorities, but it's very suspicious how every blk guy who aligns themselves with him ends up consumed by the ginger fire, innit? Casualties thus far include them 2 other blokes from Company Flow, Cannibal Ox (especially Vordul), the late Camu Tao, and now Killer Mike. You can bet your arse that Mr. Lif woke up this morning in a cold sweat.

So, what does the (probable) dissolution of Run The Jewels mean in the grand scheme of The Culture? Your buddies who "don't usually like rap BUT..." are gonna have to find themselves a new group to stan for, and El-P is gonna have to find himself a new blk rapper to ruin with his terrible production.

"Yo El, you crazy for this one, son!"

Missy Elliot's back catalogue was mah spot

If old Timbaland productions are gonna get gaffled, then it's better for everybody concerned if U.K Afrobeats artists of Ghanaian descent do the gafflin' rather than XXXtentpoletudor weed carriers. Respect to the jack king JD, but Shithole Countries™ FTW in 2018.

Kwamz & Flava - Shooooo Freestyle
(From YouTube; 2018)


Bonus Timbaland beats: who caught John Barnes shakin' it like Louise Woodward when Ginuwine performed Pony live in the Celebrity Big Brother house last week? I hope Heaven got a WiFi signal so tha gawd Gary Warnett can see this:


Actual facts relax: Louise Woodward and John Barnes used to be real life neighbours in the early noughties. They don't call ya host Dead Perez for nothin'.

Rob Peter to pay lipservice to Paul

"Post Malone wanna be black
He gettin' rap money, but he tryna downplay rap
*Ima smack him!*
Paul Rosenberg called him out on that
I hope G-Eazy don’t do nothing stupid like that
*He better not!*"

Uncle Murda - Rap Up 2017
(From t'internet; 2017)


Dead @ Uncle Murda confusing Peter Rosenberg with Paul Rosenberg on his 2017 Rap Up. Nine minutes long, though? Are they pressing this up in a Sugar Hill Records sleeve for Record Store Day 2018 or summat?

"Whenever it's Tha Row & Murder Inc, it's a deal when we link!"

Before G-Unit came pwnin' and the cops came runnin', there was a brief alliance between Irv Gotti's Murder Inc Records and Suge Knight's Tha Row Records where both labels planned to form like Voltron with Rap-A-Lot's J. Prince and create hip hop's first black-owned distribution network. 'Twas a grand vision doomed to fail, but there were a few random cross-label Inc/Row collaborations before shit fell apart, the most notable being the Baby remix where Crooked I played a Bit of Rough to Ashanti's Hot Stuff.

Ashanti ft. Crooked I - Baby (Remix)
(From Irv Gotti Presents The Remixes compilation; 2002)


Not a patch on the O.G Ashanti solo version, but still the only R&B video to feature a cameo from Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff - yet another reason why Ashanti is more important to The Culture™ than Beyonce.

Now that's the brotha I be seein' in my sleep!

I'm serious, man, I'm so sincere, this is the video right here which ended Star's VladTV career! Star then got the hump and threatened to sue DJ Vlad unless Vlad removed all of his videos from VladTV, which Vlad complied with because Star probably has loadsa dirt on him. A treasure trove of shit-talk and terrible outfits were lost into the cracks of the internet; cracks such as Dailymotion.com where the tru headz can still find the apogee of both of Star & Lord Jamar VladTV career/the only entertaining thing Yelawolf has been involved in since signing to Shady Records:


Lord Jamar & Star Issue Stern Warning to Yelawolf by clickraspy