By the manor, for the manor, it's a summer bangeur by the pensioner London Posse. This song is like Je M'appelle for 2026. I enjoy Pete & Bas' music in the same way I enjoy the movie The Business: it should be with a degree of shame, but it's executed so flawlessly that I can't help but love it wholeheartedly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Donae'O - Big Up The Gooners Around The World
(From Big Up The Gooners Around The World single; 2026)
We did it, Brooklyn, we did it!! After 22 long, lean years, Arsenal have only gone and blown the bloody doors off. Sod a rollercoaster, it's been a full Alton Towers of emotions this season. So many times it looked like a second place Groundhog Day for the Gooners again, but they've somehow won the league with one game to spare. The 1989 title decider at Anfield was one of the first Arsenal games my grandad took me to, so I'm down 4 whateva like M.O.P & O.C, but Man Citeh have an annoying habit of pulling rabbits out of hats on the last game of the season. This time, however, the points stacked up, Pep & Erling couldn't catch up, all the salt that haters are throwin' Arsenal need some ketchup. KEEP THROWIN' SALT ON "SET PIECE F.C"! THATZ SEASONING TO A STEAK! Ain't naan another premiership team this season scored a better goal than Max Dowman against Everton. Just like Arne Slot did last season, Mikel Arteta laid the murder game down on Pep Guardiola. What's Peppin', Kermie? That motherf**ker's gone and he's not comin' back, B.
Don't fancy our chances much against PSG in the Champion's League final tho tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Nine & Dex - White Boy Wasted
(From White Boy Wasted single; 2026)
Welcome back to the the Road-Rap Eric & Ernie. On one hand, they've pissed me off again by calling the police "feds." On the other hand, they also call the police "bacon." Would Big Vern from VIZ ever call use the word "feds"? Of course he wouldn't, and neither should ANY self-respecting British man.
Bonus beats: Sod it, here's a Quinary of Quality™ for Nine & Dex. In chronological order, their 5 best songs thus far IMHO.
Top 5 Nine & Dex choonz
1. Pecan Pie (2024)
2. Morgan Freeman (2025)
3. Shetland Pony (2055)
4. Postman Pat (2025)
5. Power Ranger (2025)
"I can't afford a rainy day fund because day after day the rainy days come-es"
Jordy ft. Ceebo - Rainy Day
(From Rainy Day single; 2025)
Where better to make a rap song about rainy days than the drizzly island of Britain? Fresh for slate-grey skies, here's the winter counterpart to Summertime by SL, Knucks & Sainte. In fact, this song is a prime example of Knucks-core: sad lad Road-Rap which is palatable to Guardian readers. Shout out to Barney Ronay, we in this bitch!
"Last night I was dreamin'
I dreamed about the H-bomb
The bomb went up from outta the sky I was the only man on the ground
There were thirteen women and only one man in town
Ahhh, thirteen women and only one man in town
And as funny as it may be
The one and only man in town was me
There were thirteen women and only one man around"
The Renegades - Thirteen Women (movie version)
(From Some Finnish movie I don't know the name of; 1966)
AKA the latest instllment of Greatest Movie Scenes Ever.
A British Freakbeat cover of a Bill Haley & His Comets song, Thirteen Women is best described as Carry On proto-Groundhogs. The Renegades were a Birmingham band who were bigger in Finland than they were in England, but clearly had a huge impact on fellow Brummie dirtbags Black Sabbath. Musically, Thirteen Women is stomp-tremendo Garage Rock with haunted house organ; lyrically, Thirteen Women is a teenage wank fantasy episode of The Twilight Zone staring Robin "Confessions of.." Askwith and set after a nuclear explosion. This movie version of the song has slightly different vocals to the single version and the song flows far better as a story this way. Peep 1:00 for the singer pulling an orgasm-face in case his innuendo went over your head.
Deep melancholy Detroit dance music from Octave One under a different name. Detriot dance music is so confusing with all the aliases innit? For example, ur boi only recently realised that Alien FM are Aux 88 under a different guise. Anyhoo, Urban Rains is the missing link between Night Drive the choon and Night Bus the concept. A Woolworths £10 gift voucher from 2008 goes out to anybody who can tell me how I discovered this song. Shout out to the woolyback crew in St. Helens!
Dizzee Rascal - Strings Hoe
(From white label 12"; 2004)
So, there's a 2004 white label Dizzee Rascal instrumental called Strings Hoe which samples John Lurie's Car Florida from the Stranger Than Paradise soundtrack. How on Earth did 20 year old Dizzee Rascal find a John Lurie score from a 1984 Jim Jarmusch movie? Answers on a postcard from Margate plz. Personally, I'm glad Rascal didn't rhyme over Strings Hoe because, if Jarmusch were to ever do a Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samourai sequel set in London, he could use this track as the main theme. This ain't no ancient civilization here, m8... except sometimes it is.
"One eye closed, Ranganathan
Beatin' it off like I'm masturbatin'
The hammer so loud that I'm nearly deaf, I ain't exaggeratin'"
Nine & Dex - Power Ranger
(From Power Ranger single; 2025)
#Banter is back again via the Road-Rap Eric & Ernie. Give me a new Nine & Dex song every month and I'm happier than a pig in the proverbial. Two thumbs down at two uses of the word FEDS tho. Lads, they're the old bill, the coppers, the filth, the plod, the rozzers, the bizzies, the bobbies etc.
**EDIT** I'll forgive one use of FEDS here because Nine rhymed "I say f**k the FEDS" with "guns like monsters, under beds." Chef's kiss.
This old advert is a timely reminder that the defunct Mr Bongo record shop had a stacked section of 2nd hand 80s Rap and Electro where I'd find 12" singles I'd never come across in any record shops up north. The thing about the REAL HIP-HOP™ backpack brigade who frequented Bongos was that, although they'd walk around in fat lace Adidas Superstars and Puma States, very few of them had any interest in Rap music made before 1987. Fortunately, this was good news for me because it meant ur boi could hit those used record racks like the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil and bag loadsa early to mid 80s Rap and Electro 12"s. Thus, here's a playlist of the best early 80s choonz I picked up in Bongos. All 12 songs hail from 1983 to 1985, which was a transitioal period for Rap. An era now lost in time like peeing in the sea, but which is one of my favourite stages in Rap's evolution.
Best early 80s Rap Choonz I picked up in Mr Bongo:
1. Spoonie Gee - The Big Beat (1983)
2. Jonzun Crew - Space Is The Place (1983)
3. The Cold Crush Brothers - Fresh, Wild, Fly & Bold (1984)
4. Egyptian Lover - Computer Love (Sweet Dreams) (1984)
5. The Furious Five - New York, New York (1983)
6. Grandmaster Melle Mel - Beat Street Breakdown (1984)
7. Newcleus - Jam On It (1984)
8. Crash Crew - We Are Known As Emcees (We Turn The Party Out) (1983)
9. Roxanne with UTFO - The Real Roxanne (1984)
10. Davy DMX - The DMX Will Rock (1985)
11. Stetsasonic - Just Say Stet (1985)
12. West Street Mob - Break Dance Electric Boogie (1983)
Nobody is currently making better surburbaquatic electronic music than the Pet Shop Sad Bois AKA North Circular 17 AKA Real Lies. Let The Lips Fall Where They May dropped in August and was Real Lies' tribute to sticky summers in London. But as a London-born Scorpio lad who became a northerner it makes more sense in the nippy marmalade sunsets of October to ur boi Martinelli. There's very little which makes me patriotic about this silly little island of serfs than British electronic dance music and our penchant for banter about the weather.
I reckon Let The Lips Fall Where They May is the best Real Lies song of 2025 so far, and it only proves that Kev Last Kahras & Pumpin' Patrice should release a compilation of the best Real Lies non-album songs. Obviously the album would include songs like Valentine, Oh Me, Oh My (Nicotine Patch), I Wander, Rare Rapport etc. Ideally, the compilation would also include a studio version of The Lonely Ones from their lockdown livestream. Shit, even a rip of the live performance of it would suffice tbqh.
Sorry not sorry for posting songs by Nine & Dex and their rapping granddads Pete & Bas in the space of 4 days. Never did I expect I would unapologetically enjoy Rap music by white English blokes, but I can't get enough of both duos at the moment. I have one slight problem of Nine & Dex tho - their use of the word FEDS. Lads, you've been Yankbrained when we have enough of our own great slanguage for the police.
Pete & Bas - Whirlybird
(From Whirlybird single; 2025)
Can't even consider Pete & Bas a comedy act who happen to make legit jams anymore. They're now one of the best duos in U.K Rap history who have more good songs than most of yer credible faves. Deal with it ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯
The ghostwriting grandson's of Pete & Bas return with a track which is pretty much Pecan Pie part two. The great chalky hopes are back with bars and bars like Tim Martin. LMFAO @ "and if he wanna keep playin' with the big bro then his whole family's f**ked like he's in Bread." U.K Rap exists solely to keep me amused with punchlines about Scouse shitcoms from the 1980s.
Two U.K Rap songs which are all up in my ears & eyes right now. Both of them givin' me specific vybz I can't get from any current American Rap songs. Which is the whole point of U.K Rap innit. Otherwise why does U.K Rap need to exist?
PS: if we sacrifice Howie B to a volcano can we get Hitman Howie Tee back? HHT was born in London which possibly explains why he was able to integrate Reggae into Rap better than most of his 'Murican contemporaries. For doz that slept, Howie was one of New York's great producers of the golden-era responsible for such hall of fame singles as Nothing Serious (Just Buggin') by Whistle, I Got It Made by Special Ed, Treat 'Em Right by Chubb Rock and Hickeys On Your Check by Little Shawn. For my money, tho, his best productions are two Special Ed album tracks: Taxing and Ready 2 Attack. Rest in peace to the producer whose best beats never fail to make me bust the running man even if it's just in my head. Thanx for the hits, man.
"If life's a riddle with a song in, all the best ones sound like longing
And how I yearn to be with Shulgin"
Real Lies - Shulgin
(From We Will Annihilate Our Enemies album; 2025)
Quite a feat that "you know my life is full of cheap surprises, I gotta get offa the grid/it's as if these algorithmic freaks don't know who they're f**kin' with" isn't even the best lyric in Real Lies' latest single. Like Freddie Ljungberg in the final stretch of the 2001/2002 Premier League season, Kevlar Kharas & Pumpin' Patrice don't miss. The best way to listen to Real Lies: taking a long, tipsy piss in a moonlit city alley with neon-lit nightbuses whizzing by behind you.
Oh wait, you're here for Rap music, right? Okay, so my baby-blue bruv Big Sleep is putting together a 14 volume zipfile series (!) of Bay Area Jazz-Rap over on his blog. Volumes 1 and 2 are up now. Sleep's got the gift 2 gab too. Peep game:
Whether you know your Mac Ts from your Mack-Ts1 or not, there's somethin' for everyone here. Doesn't matter if you're listening to I.Q. or Eyeque. I got it all covered: from Dave Dub to Joe Dub, everything from dank smokin' killers to doja smokin' nerds. A who's who of “who's that?”, that'll make you sound like a group of owls listenin' to Mike Jones.
The classic U.K Rap single by the one and only U.K Rap group to be signed by Profile Records. I'm gonna call I'm Ready the most Rave-friendly U.K Rap song of the early 90s based on the empirical evidence it got played at a local Illegal Rave I went to in 1992 at the tender age of 14. Dubbed The Melt Down Zone, the party was hosted in a disused former Agri-Electrics building by some local pikeys who weren't fussy about letting underage kidz in as long as we had the £5 entry fee. The DJ was an ex Hip-Hop head who'd had his head/dick turned by the drugs and girls at Rave parties, but would still play some uptempo Rap tracks in amongst the Rave choonz. I have very specific memories of hearing I'm Ready and Naughty By Nature's O.P.P that night because they were 2 of my favourite singles of that era and it was the first time I'd heard Rap music played in what was, essentially, a club. I also have very specific memories of having to leave early because my parents wouldn't let me stay out beyond 10:30 PM. They f**k your adolescent nights up, your mum and dad.
I've always wondered whether Percee P & Ekim and/or T-Ray heard Caveman's Fry You Like Fish. It's plausible innit since Profile Records would have ensured the single made its way into New York's record shops.
The RAH Band - Messages From The Stars (12" mix)
(From Messages From The Stars 12" single; 1983)
LARussell & Cam Cortez - Beautiful Day In The Bay
(From From Vallejo With Love album; 2024)
Riddle me this, Blapman: how come Northen California is the only Rap region to recognise & realise the brilliance of The RAH Band's space-boogie classic Messages From The Stars? DJ Fresh freaked it for Keak Da Sneak back in 2011, and now Cam Cortez has hooked it up for LARussell in 2024. Basically, Messages From The Stars is the greatest Trevor Horn & Anne Dudley production which wasn't actually produced by Trevor Horn & Anne Dudley. Props to the song's #actual creators husband & wife Richard Hewson & Liz Winning; they put their whole artistic solar plexus into composing a choon which sounds like it was beamed down to Earth from a whole 'nother solar system.
"Life comes at you pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
He ain't had much education, and after that brick to the bollox, he ain't gonna need much birth control. And people have the nerve to suggest that British comedy isn't as good as it used to be. M8, nobody does slapstick humour better than Great Britain™. Can't put shit past him, got whiteboys on his own team mad enough to blast him. Shout outs Del from Hiero, karma is a bitch!
"Being in the wrong place at the wrong time
Comin' at ya in the wrong state of mind"
Del Tha Funkee Homosapien - Wrong Place
(From No Need For Alarm album; 1993)
Getting It Back: The Cymande Story (trailer)
(the BFI's YouTube page; 2024)
Been waiting to see the Cymande documentary since a trailer for it first appeared a couple of years back, so shit was on like Donkey Kong when my local cinema screened it last night. Never did I ever imagine I'd see the Biz Markie puppet on a British cinema screen, but that's exactly what happened when the documentary featured clips from Master Ace's Me & The Biz video. I never quite realised how unsuccessful they were in the U.K at the time, nor how popular they briefly were in America - my mans supported Al Green on tour playing to thousands of people every night, were the first British group to headline Harlem's Apollo theatre, and The Message was a legit Billboard 100 hit. Fancy that eh?
Cymande's Dove is one of those songs which has me thinking "how did ANYBODY ever come up with this?" and "how did NOBODY ever come up with this before?" at the SAME DAMN TIME! Moreover, I can't believe nobody flipped that sample until Diamond D cooked up The Score for The Fugees in 1996. Part of me wishes Diamond had given that beat to somebody else, but that somebody else probably would have been wack-arse Fat Joe. Sometimes you've gotta say "c'est Fu-Gee-La vie" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We live in a world where nobody has ever uploaded Cymande's Soul Train appearance to YouTube, but there are multiple uploads of David Bowie's performance of his woeful Golden Years single on Soul Train. Motherf**kers are all up in the game with their priorities missin'.
Hard Rock Soul Movement - Double Def Fresh
(From 12" single; 1986)
What dis? A 1986 British Electro track by future Kiss FM DJ duo Max LX & Dave VJ designed for Covent Garden body-poppers which got a second wind during the 1988/1989 Summer Of Love and became a favourite of Acid House Ravers. Makes sense because you can totally imagine this gettin' played next to sum shit like Voodoo Ray, right? Morgan Khan must not have been a fan of this track because he never included it on any of his Street Sounds Electro compilations. But the likes of A Guy Called Gerald, LFO and Autechre were all big fans of this track and it shows in their early music.
A pack of Jammy Dodgers goes to any non-Brits who can identify where the "I'm afraid it's not fresh" vocal sample comes from. Don't be cheating by Googling it tho!
