I wonder if Bobby Hundreds has ever heard Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride by UGK?

"Bust a nut on their stomach
wash my dick in the sink
then buy a 40 from store from the godamn chink!"

UGK - Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride


The original superior version from The Southern Way in 1988, natch'.


Perhaps if he had he might not be so eager to lace Bun B with a plethora of free Hundreds gear and hook up with him for an inevitable t-shirt collaboration:

My wife is all i have...

..her dick, her balls, her hairy ass.

Styles P plus his and his wifey.



AKA a waxwork version of Sol Campbell in a wig.

I just don't get it. Most of these guys start rapping to become rich and pull top-tier pussy but you see pictures of everyone from Slick Rick to Cam'Ron to DMX to Fabolous to Krs One with their wives and they're always post-operation tranny lookin' wildebeests. What parta the game is that, yo?

Styles P & Pharoahe Monch - My Life

Jim Jones talks fashion

"Them dudes be talkin' about they swagger - nobody copies the Jay Z or T.I look but they damn sure copy me. Remember when bitches was asking they hairdressers for the Rachel cut? I'm in that Jennifer Aniston zone, them dudes is Lisa Kudrow!"

Leaving Barry-Babylon.

Judging from recent pix of Nigo it seems that kecks which are too short revealing a good inch or two of leg/sock between your shoe and hem are now officially in vogue but my real gear-godz can spot a fashion-hack a mile off because The Martorialist keeps on makin' it, Blacon keeps on takin' it, Barry Davies created it and Japan keeps on fakin' it.



It's a look which has passed through the 60's with sharp-suited Mods to the 70's with Simon Cowell trousered trainspotter spods but it wasn't until the late 80's that this fashion-phenomenom received an actual official name : The Barry/Barry Pants (also see : Barry Kecks, Barries, Barried-up), with the term deriving from Barry Davies' not-quite-long-enough school pantaloons he wore to Blacon High throughout the duration of 1987 to 1992. So legendary were Barry's low-length leg covering garments they even had their own theme tune - Barry Trousers, sung to the tune of Baggy Trousers by Madness.



Fall back, Nigo. You can encase your lil' Jap legs in the finest selvedge the world has to offer and then hem and cuff them into position but you'll never have the natural effortless style and swagger that my man Barry Davies had. So fresh, so clean - y'nahmean?

We're the Harlem World crew and we're doing the do just for you...

Thought i was the freshest kid when I dropped a Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde (the original Ted Dibia$e and Gordon Gecko of the rap game) appreciation on Fat Lace a few months back until my man Super-Brad took a look at it and asked me why I hadn't spread any love in the direction of Doing The Do?

Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde - Doing The Do



Can't front - I hadn't even heard of it before but since it's a long out-of-print obscure b. side that's not even mentioned in the Ego Trip singles lists which is occasionally billed as being by the Harlem World Crew as opposed Jeckyll & Hyde then I don't feel like such a newjack for not knowin' it.

It's always good to come up on some old jam you never knew existed before and find yourself thinking that you've been living your life in false-happiness without it 'cause it's that good. Dare I say this might be even better than Gettin' Money or Fast Life and, thus, their best tune? You damn right.

Martorial elegance # 3

It's a time honoured man-tradition that at some point in life you have to borrow a suit off your dad because you don't have one. Gok Wan Eardley, pictured below, recently found himself in this situation and i'm pleased to report that the 4 elements of dad's-suit-syndrome are in full motherfucking effect :



1. Charcoal grey
2. Pinstripes
3. Slightly oversized Jacket with one arm longer than the other
4. Pants which are very slightly Barried-Up

Here's to the Eardmesiter for reppin' so correctly on all four fronts.

N**ga, you James Bond!



Pause.

Martorial elegance rating : 006 and 3 quarters.

Shorty, lemme tell you about my only vice..

..it's got to with lots of money and it ain't nuthin' nice.

One of my favourite blogs is I Don't Care If You Wouldn't, I Would, which you can find in the links to the right. It's modus operandi is to pay tribute to less conventionally attractive women who are still sexy as fuck. Even if you don't agree with their particular choices you'll still find yourself nodding along in agreement, so compelling is their reasoning.



Catching the end of Are You An Egghead? before, i couldn't help but think that Judith AKA Judith Keppel AKA the posh old bird winner of Who Wants To A Millionaire? who's now a member of the Eggheads quiz team is deserving of a post on there. More of a Great.Aunt.You'd.Like.To.Fuck than a M.I.L.F but there's something about a well spoken, slightly snooty, well-to-do older lady with an expression perennially set between quizical and wry that stirs my loins.



She used to be a frumpy middle aged hag with a Barry Venison perm but a million quid and 8 years later and she's now a sex-siren of late afternoon/early evening tv. A middle-aged millionairess BBC quiz version of Medusa with perfect diction capable of turning men's dicks to stone.

Movie scenes which sum up the very essence of life and your own general philosophy # 1

Thizz was your life

Whenever the subject of dead rapper murals come up it's usually the countless corny Biggie R.I.P murals which splatter the walls of basketball courts and bodeagas in Noo Yawk City or the respective Big L and Big Pun murals in Harlem and The Bronx by the T.A.T.S Crew which come to mind.



But it's worth remembering that besides the ballet-dancing and enemies/hennessey couplet rhyming rapist 2pac, there are a plethora of dead rappers from regions other than NYC. One such rapper being the Thizzface-pulling late Bay Area legend Mac Dre, who was shot dead in Kansas of all places. Probably my favorite R.I.P piece out of all the ones i've seen. Salutations. Now go bump Feelin' Myself in tribute.

Mac Dre - Feelin' Myself

Biz and the Jets.

Has there ever been a worse format for music than the flexi disc? Sure, they were usually magazine freebies and invariably featured a song which was otherwise unreleased but they always either ended up creased and unplayable after about 10 minutes or lost to the wind after a few weeks when you forgot what LP sleeve or book you stored them inside.

The latter fate is what became of my flexi-disc of Biz Markie's live cover of the Elton John hit Benny & The Jets which came with the second issue of the Beastie Boys vanity rag Grand Royale magazine. I've never managed to find my copy to this day, but thanks to the joys of Youtube I can now hear it again and even see Biz performing it live on the Chris Rock show. Take that, you fucking lost flexi-disc bastard!

Welcome to The Martorialist