I wonder if Bobby Hundreds has ever heard Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride by UGK?

Bust a nut on their stomach
wash my dick in the sink
then buy a 40 from store from the godamn chink!

UGK - Cocaine In The Back Of The Ride



The original superior version from The Southern Way in 1988, natch'.



Perhaps if he had he might not be so eager to lace Bun B with a plethora of free Hundreds gear and hook up with him for an inevitable t-shirt collaboration :



Every southern rapper pays lip service to UGK's influence on them nowadays, but it's worth remembering that Bun originated frosty race relations towards our brothers from the far-east a good 3 years before Ice Cube on Death Certificate.

Gifs which sum up the feelings of self-pwnage you experience...

..when you spite-bid on something on eBay you've had your eye on which was going for £2.99 that you'd happily pay about 6 or 7 quid for but which has suddenly jumped in price to £20 by the time you check eBay again 2 days later so, like the scorned childish twat you are, you bid £25 purely to push the price up in revenge to annoy the bastards who've increased the price of the item you want up to that ridiculous amount only to actually go and win the bloody auction, which leaves you with the unfortunate choice of stumping up £26.50 for something you'd never pay that amount of money for or face the ruination of your precious 100% positive feedback record :

The Act itself :



The Realisation :



The Confliction :



The Anger :



The Resignation :



Slick Rick - I Shouldn't Have Done It

MrChiCity >>>>> Neil Strauss

"Different women like different things, my n*gga.."

The Game done stopped and shit done flip-flopped and now Youtube videos detailing how keeping your refridgerator stocked with a myriad of different food & drink to accomodate the many types of different bitch out there are sittin' on top.

"Yeah, Becky, i got fuckin' Snapples.."



Kill all prior expectations about the fairer sex, dunns, and peep the new player-code via MrChiCity. You thought you knew but you had no idea. Ayo, kid, your kitchen game is wack - step your Perrier and Pringles game up. Peep real game :




"The green-tea, man - that's for the holistic, you know, vegetarian, i don't eat meat and i'm real earthy, y'know, fuckin' Erykah Badu chicks and of course, n*ggas, for the real 'hood chicks - BAM, i got a drawer of Kool Aid, n*gga, what flavour you want?.."

UGK ft. UGK & Project Pat - Sippin' On Some Syrup



Stay sippin' in heaven, Pimp C, while us mere mortals pray at the tabernacle of MrChiCity to study his teachings so a world of new pu$$y will open up to us as if it were a magnificent clam. Word to Woody Allen.

Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch.

What's the 411, hon'?

Ayo, you got it goin' on, hon'.



Diamond D once rapped how he'd like to "Push in the bush and i don't mean George" but here at The Martorialist we'd rather push it in a bit of posh who can tell you whether your old grandad's war medal is a genuine St. George like Catherine Southon AKA the bird who pops up in pretty much every BBC show about antiques.



A quick google tells us that Catherine's particular field of expertise is 19th century instruments of both the scientific and musical variety, which is the weirdest coincidence because we've got a vintage blue veined flute we'd like her to check out. We're not sure if it's a genuine 19th century artefact but perhaps she could determine its origin by giving it a quick blow?

My wife is all i have...

..her dick, her balls, her hairy ass.

Styles P plus his, and i use the term loosely, wifey.



AKA a waxwork version of Sol Campbell in a wig.

I just don't get it. Most of these guys start rapping to become rich and pull top-tier pussy but you see pictures of everyone from Slick Rick to Cam'Ron to DMX to Fabolous to Krs One with their wives and they're always post-operation tranny lookin' wildebeests. What parta the game is that, yo?

Styles P & Pharoahe Monch - My Life

Martorialist 2008 awards part 1

The music edition.

The Game-Recognise-Game award :
* Jay Z in Manchester *



Not so much Jockin' Jay Z as Jocked by Jay Z with Hov' pointing right at the section Sha' Deezy and I were in during the "and, you, the customers" line in Roc Boys. The homie from Brooklyn clearly recognised that some stand-up gentlemen were up in the place that night. Fuck Marcy projects - we from the smokey, son.

The So Wrong But So Right award :
* Amy Winehouse *



The more cracked-out she becomes and the more she begins to resemble a Spitting Image puppet hybrid of Dot Cotton and Bet Lynch, the more i want to make sweet luuurrrrrve to her or, at the very least, stick my tongue in her bony stank asshole.

The Thank Fuck! award :
* Supreme Bad Brains Roir Sessions tee *




I was born to roll in a yellow Bad Brains Roir Sessions shirt but thou shalt never wear a shirt featuring Rasta colours if thou is a wet dog smelling whiteboy so i was shit outta luck until Supreme released this shirt with subtle Roir Sessions referencing that only the higher echelon amongst us will get and precisely zero rasta colours. In-your-face, Bob Marley!

Martorialist Approved 2008 tunes :

OutKast ft. Raekwon - Royal Flush
ABN - Umm Hmm
Z-Ro - 25 Lighter
Trae ft. Slim Thug - Nuthin' 2 A Boss
P. Brothers ft. Boss Money - Cold World
E40 - Earl
Sick Wid It Umbrella - Showin' Out
AZ - Dead End
Laroo ft. The Jacka - 20 Bricks
The Jacka - Cocaine Race
AP.9 - Snitch's Worst Nightmare
The Jacka & Berner - Keep It Street
Maino - Role Model
Lil' Wayne - A Milli
Cam'Ron - Pass Tha Dutchie
Byrd Gang ft. Styles P - Hawaii 5.0
Max B - Lip Sing
Pete Rock ft. Jim Jones & Max B - We Roll
Young Jeezy - Circulate
Lil' Boosie - In My Hood
Heltah Skeltah - Da Art Of Disrespekinazation
Rock ft. Sean Price - Fuck Dat Rapper
Killer Mike - Belly Of The Beast
Suga Free - Allergic To Bullshit
Mickey Factz - Incredible
Yelawolf - Boyz In The Woodz
Peedi Crakk - Pimp Ya Pen
State Property - Oceans Seven
All $tar - Keep Doing My Thang
Curren$y - The Reagan Era
Blaq Poet - Don't Give A Fucc
Soulja Boy ft. Gucci Mane & Yo Gotti - Shopping Spree
Haystak - Hell Naw
Bun B - Getcha Issue
Devin The Dude - Bad Company
Wale ft. Lil' Wayne - Nike Boots remix
Fabolous - I Don't See Nobody
J-Stalin - Cocaine Cowboys
Wiz Khalifa ft. Kev Da Hustla & S Money - Head To The Sky
Big Noyd - Heartless
Prodidy Of Mobb Deep - Dirty New Yorker

The Why You Wanna Do That, Luv, Huh? award :
* Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl *



It's bad enough any pub or club you go in has at least 4 groups of silly fake-bisexual bints who've never treated pussy like a dog treats a plastic toy in their life pretending to be lesbians and snogging each other for Myspace pix but now these stupid annoying bitches have an actual anthem which they insist on singing along with and dancing around their handbags to as well. Yeah, thanks for that, sweetheart.

The Joey Deacon award :
* Eli Porter *



The front-tuck is the best, maaaaaayyyyyyyyne, it diiiiddddddd it. I'm sick of dudes like Weezy claiming to be king-retard just because he's allegedly rotted his brain with syrup and yayo when we've now got a genuine spacko like Eli P rappin' and herbin' muthafuckers in mc battles. Know your role and shut your mouth, Wayne.

The Dearly Departed award :
* Isaac Hayes *



Pete Doherty is still alive yet since last december we've lost Pimp C, Frosty Freeze and, most importantly, Isaac Hayes. Shit ain't fair, right? My man rocked dookie rope chains before anyone else, made some of the best soul albums ever and without him countless rap classics by Biggie, Public Enemy, Geto Boys, MF Doom, Jay Z and Compton's Most Wanted simply wouldn't exist. R.I.P.

Martorial elegance # 6

Y'know, what the cold, grim north needs right now is more suburban shopping complexes full of dudes who look like Cam'Ron and The Diplomats circa the Dipset Anthem/I Really Mean It video.



Y'all whiggaz dreamed it, we seened it : leather so soft New-Era, possibly the most O-T-T Evisu denim ever (and to think the author of Casuals called the majority of Evisu kecks "ostentatious tip-ex arsed jeans" that are "a badge of convenience for tossers everywhere"), a coke-white Avirex and, the pièce de résistance, fake Gucci-print Jordans which have the Alpo -o- meter registering its highest reading to date.

It's Harlem, baby, and i think the security guard just saw you drop a Kit Kat wrapper - SQUALAY!

Pic provided by Killa B again.

Don't say my carton's topless - say the titties is out

Jo Guest, a Milk Is Chillin' Milk D from Audio 2 t-shirt and her tits out for display over at Fat Lace :

Here

Jim Jones talks fashion

"Them dudes be talkin' about they swagger - nobody copies the Jay Z or T.I look but they damn sure copy me. Remember when bitches was asking they hairdressers for the Rachel cut? I'm in that Jennifer Aniston zone, them dudes is Lisa Kudrow!"

Martorial elegance # 5

WHOOP WHOOP!
IT'S DA SOUND OF DA FAGGOTRY POLICE!



We've had to call in the infamous Faggotry Police to arrest this utter cunt but while we wait for the bizzies to arrive we'll hand you over to Charlie Murphy to succinctly sum this one up for us :



Thanks to Killa B for another excellent sly-snap.