Reasons why I love YouTube # 45

Apropos of the Wipe Me Down remix not making Complex's 50 greatest Rap remixes since 2000 list (a run down which includes such unimpeachable classics as some forgotten-in-5-minutes remix of a flop A$AP Rocky song and that atrocious posse cut remix of I'm A Coke Boy which nobody on the entire planet has ever listened to more than once), here's the made-on-a-Nokia-cameraphone zero-budget video for Foxx's original solo version of Wipe Me Down, as uploaded to the 'Tube by Foxx and his camp last summer (he even replies in the comments!) :

Foxx - Wipe Me Down
(From Survival Of The Fittest compilation; 2007)


Highlights include Foxx going for that uncle Ice the crackhead from Paid In Full swag, his Wipe Me Down tall tee looking like it was airbrushed by a colourblind toddler & Joey Deacon, and future nemesis Young Ready making Rap hands in the background alongside the other token video goons.

Better still, here's another little-seen Foxx video, this time for his saucy absurdist masterpiece Put Yo' Pussy On The Phone. That TRUKFIT sweatshirt is such a bad look for anyone over the age of 14 and, alas, there are no Cronenbergian talking vaginas in the coda where Foxx gets into bed with his bird as he's still wearing his vest and camo kecks. What the Put Yo' Pussy On The Phone video does have going for it is Foxx making some of the most ostentatious Rapper-pretending-to-talk-into-his-phone gestures since Biggie in the Warning clip as he yaps to his Joi Ryda lookalike 'hoodrat missus :

Foxx - Put Yo' Pussy On The Phone
(From Foxx Mayweather mixtape; 2012)

Generic list post

Oh look, it's an obligatory filler post list of some great non-2013 songs I've discovered over the past 7 months :

Real Live ft. Pretty Tone Capone - Intro (2004)
ZMoney - Everything (2012)
Max B & Jim Jones - We Be On Our Shit (2006)
Yungstar ft. Lil' James, Lil' Flex & Pooh-Bear - Screens "R" Fallin' (2000)
A-Mafia - Everywhere (2005)
Young Jeezy ft. 2 Chainz - R.I.P (2012)
Skull Duggery ft. Mystikal - Satisfied (1998)
Rich Homie Quan - Differences (2012)
Kevin Gates ft. Max Minelli - They Can Hate (2011)
I couldn't quite come up with 10 so can somebody put me onto another amazing non-2013 song I may have missed plz?

R.I.P to Westwood's BBC career

10 reasons why big Tim will always be the bomb! *EXPLOSION*

1. Let's not even bullshit on this one : Westwood is the UK's answer to Nelson Mandela. As a cracka in a black culture who came to prominence after the Broadwater Farm riots of 1985, the big dawg has done more for race relations in this country than any politician or activist. For the BBC to sack such an inspirational figure yet continue to employ a wife beating sex pest like Andy Kershaw is an absolute travesty.

2. He was there before the vast majority of other Rap DJs in this country, he didn't jump shit once House music exploded in the UK in 1988/1989 like so many other British DJs did, and he's still here today awkwardly lurching about in boxy oversized Ralph Lauren polo shirts as he asks Waka Flocka Flame questions about why Rappers wife up their busted high school sweethearts.

3. Dude took a bullet or two in a drive-by shooting when some Yardie pulled up on his jeep and opened fire on him, and then bounced straight back on some "My wings are like a shield of steel" Batfink type shit. Westwood : 1; 2pac and Biggie : 0.

4. I'm too young to have ever heard Mike Allen's show and too much of a bumpkin to have been able to pick up Westwood's Capitol F.M show, thus his friday and saturday night shows on Radio One were my entry-point into proper Rap radio, a conduit into what was happening stateside on a weekly basis, and remain the benchmark for all my Rap radio listening experiences ever since.

5. Back in the day, you never felt like you were wasting your friday night by driving around provincial towns listening to his radio show in your mate's Vauxhall and making explosion and airhorn noises at random strangers instead of going to the pub and trying to get your dick wet.

6. Nowadays I don't go out before 10 P.M on a saturday night because I'm knackered by about 2 A.M if I go out any earlier. Back in the mid 90s to early '00s, I usually didn't go out until 10.PM because I wanted to listen to the first hour of Westwood's saturday night show and then leave a tape running to record as much of the rest of his show as possible so I wouldn't miss all the best new music, his link-ups with Marley Marl and/or Cipha Sounds, and freestyles from guests like Biggie and Big L.

7. He played exclusive cuts that industry politics dictated NYC DJs couldn't air on the radio like Ultramagnetic MC's demos, unreleased early 90's joints by LL, Tragedy, Big Daddy Kane etc (as collated by Rare Dave on his legendary Rare Frequencies Radio cassette compilation), and an amazing Freeway song he premiered once sometime around late 2002 that I've never been able to ever identify or track down.

8. Back in that dark, dark era of the late nineties when every other British rap DJ was playing terrible records by Mos Def, Jurassic 5, Ugly Ducking, and godawful U.K characters like Dave The Ruf & his crew, Westwood was spinning Superthug and 357 next to Ha and It Ain't My Fault, closing out his shows with half an hour of the best underground N.Y cuts like Spit and M.I.A, and, thankfully, never ever playing anything from the UK.

9. He's always gotten the best freestyles out of great rappers who can't make decent music to save their life like Eminem; see : the epic summer 2000 ones with Proof amd the more recent sessions.

10. From Biz Markie explaining that Pickin' Boogers "came from my heart" on his N Sign Radio Night Network show, to the episode of his UKPlay show where Capone-n-Noreaga and their goons took us on a tour of the gun-stashing spots on their block, to his interview with Chase & Status where he sonned them live on air, dismissed the entire genre of Dubstep, and dissed Jay-Z's dancing skills, to him bodying Xzibit on his own show format when he hosted the UK version of Pimp My Ride, Westwood has always made great TV too.

Honourable mentions : the time he signed an autograph for my mate Shaun and spelled his name "Shar", his YouTube channel where he uploads incredible footage of Biggie and the Beasties & LL Cool J live in London, the Outsidaz freestyle session from around 1999 or 2000 that I could really do with an MP3 of, and the way he's a simultaneous inspiration and deterrent to all of us ageing white British Rap nerds.

No love for thots, they smell like cocks

Mario Balotelli & Enoch Barwuah wardrobe swag so impeccable, bruv :

ZMoney - Ferragamo
(From Youtube; 2012/Rich B4 Rap mixtape; 2013)


Really don't understand why ZMoney still isn't getting more lurve out here because, if you're partial to Chicago's weirdo oospores of ATL stupid fruity crazy swag-Rap, then Rich B4 Rap is damn near the best mixtape of the year so far, with cuts like Ferragamo, Everything, Want My Money, Regular, Like This, Flexin', Yo Bitch Callin' and Lackin' being the catchiest shit since the U.K's foot-and-mouth disease epidemic of summer 2001 when livestock was droppin' at a faster rate than Chicago's teenagers.

I betcha if Gucci signed him to Brick Squad or one of those kewl Rap-Internet white chicks on Twitter started linking his songs most of you lickspittles would be all up on him like a cootie on a cat's cock, huh? Now I ain't tryna be funny but how'm I respect y'all when half the hoes on here dictating the tastes of y'all?

Young Jeezy - That's What's Up
(From Come Shop Wit' Me double album; 2003)

Breaking news : Necro scraps his album with Kool G. Rap!

In an exclusive GChat interview with The Martorialist crew, Necro announced today that his Godfathers album with Kool G. Rap would never see the light of day due to recording difficulties. "G. RAP CAME TO MY STUDIO TO RECORD IN 2011 AND THEN SPENT THE LAST 2 YEARS JUST SITTING AROUND LIKE A PUDDING TRYING TO THINK OF WORDS THAT RHYMED WITH ANGELO RUGGIERO AND OTHER B-LIST 80'S MOBSTERS WHO HAVE FUNNY ITALIAN NAMES" Necro told us in his trademark caps lock before continuing, "EVEN THAT MIDGET WEED CARRIER FROM NON-PHIXION DIDN'T TAKE THAT LONG TO WRITE HIS SHIT AND HE HAD TO WATCH ALL 9 SEASONS OF THE X-FILES BEFORE HE COULD FINISH A SINGLE PUNCHLINE!"

Necro then insisted that his fans shouldn't be too disappointed as he has a new collaboration album with another New York icon in the pipeline. "WE'RE FOLLOWING IN THE SAME FOOTSTEPS AS SUCH LEGENDARY PAIRINGS AS HOV' & KELLZ, WEEZY & BABY, TOO $HORT & E-40, AND ILL BILL & VINNIE PAZ!!" enthused Necro as he unveiled the artwork for the upcoming project:



Asked if any Dipset or Uncle Howie crew members would be featuring on the album, Necro couldn't yet confirm. "SORRY, I HAVE TO GO SACRIFICE A NEIGHBOURHOOD CAT TO SLOWLY WE ROT BY OBITUARY NOW. DIE!" he told us before the green light on his GChat account suddenly turned orange.

Brief thoughts on King Louie's Jeep Music mixtape

Could it be that Louie's Yeezus cameo paid for a cash settlement with Disney since he's going by the King Louie moniker again? Your boy Martaveli doesn't really give a shit either way, b, because this weak arse new Jeep Music 'tape of his wouldn't have even bumped in the red pedal car I had when I was 2 and a half years old pretending to be Baloo from The Jungle Book in my nan's back garden let alone in a jeep ridin' through the concrete jungle of Chiraq where gorillas, tigers, vultures and snakes creep with that heat.

GTFOH with this throwaway bland bullshit, Louie, and leak the rest of those 2011 Dope And Shrimp cuts already or just make some kosher 2013 jeep music like that Blood Money song you recently guested on with the dissonant ruptures of sub-bass which were probably supposed to sound like Dubstep but are actually more similar to the noises Predator's helmet (pause!) made when it was honing in on human prey. R.I.P, Louie and the dude named after the Capone-n-Noreaga classic just killed the wub-wub :

Blood Money ft. King Louie - Bitch I'm Crazy
(From Drug Wars mixtape; 2013)


Do you think Louie's recent penchant for calling himself "Loulou" is a reference to Lulu the Dominican coke dealer from Paid In Full? No Kevin Keegan, but I would love it - LOVE IT! - if Rappers were to start looking to the best quasi-Rapsloitation movie of the noughties for artistic impetus on some "Paid In Full the movie did more than Paid In Full the song for me" type shit.

Reasons why I love YouTube # 44

Uploaded with the caption "I WAS A FAT BOY LOL" by none other than A-Mafia, it's a three-song medley promo video for DukeDaGod's More Than Music Vol. 2 compilation CD. Cam and Jim mustn't have fancied making Rap hands in pissy elevators as Duke pointed a 1998 Sony camcorder in their faces that day because the clip doesn't feature either of the album's best songs, but Juelz puts in an appearance and it climaxes with a video for Hell Rell & A-Mafia's Street Pharmacist which basically resembles a deleted scene from Killa Season set to some crazy baroque Jean Michel Jarre score :


"Fresh out the shower the only way I could be washed up"

RUGER!!!!!!!

Nova from I.N.F.O & Nova who produced Street Pharmacist reckons AraabMuzik ganked his whole sound from this song. Nova might be a bitter hack who spent 8 years as I.N.F.O's doja with no money, no cars, and no nothin', but he does have a point, huh?

Rap game the bust up between Callum and Jackie Travers on Big Brother

"Please ring the alarm
Please ring the alarm
Gucci Mane do wrestlin' moves, he power bomb your mom!"

Gucci Mane - Ring The Alarm
(From Zaytoven presents Birds Of A Feather Motion Picture Soundtrack; 2013)


Here at The Martorialist we've never been arrested for nothin' domestic and we certainly didn't approve of that scene in Chopper where Mark headbutted Tanya's mum, but there are certain mothers we'd like to see get power bombed. Current top 3 runs thus : Rose West, Maxine Carr, Caitlin Moran.

Reasons why I love YouTube : Max B edition

Look what's finally reappeared on the 'tube after Amalgam Digital had it removed a couple of years back : it's only the Where Do I Go? video innit! Appears to be slightly different to the original, mind, as it's bathed in a weird blue/yellow tint and it starts with a slightly longer intro where Max calls out NOE and Mel Matrix, albeit not by name :

"I'm wavier than you n*ggas! Every n*gga on Byrdgang : the fake Jay-Z n*gga, the Gargamel n*gga, all them wack ass n*ggas over there, I'm Biggavel'!"

Max B - Where Do I Go? (video)
(from Youtube; 2009)


Max was a funny guy and all that for always referring to Mel Matrix as "Gargamel" in his interviews after the Byrdgang split, but here at The Martorialist we ain't tryna hear a bad word about spaghetti head Murda Mel since he was a key component of so many great Byrdgang tracks, guested on last decade's grimiest N.W.A homage, and even has a couple of minor-classics to his own name :

"Since the kid was a misfit
I ain't have no best friend, just me and my biscuit"

Mel Matrix ft. Jim Jones - Man Down
(From Red Apples Falling mixtape; 2009)


No Ma$e allegedly gettin' caught in the range rover with the boy on Mel's "and the young boys they got love for me" line, though.

Generic list post

Co-wrote a wholly subjective greatest Max B songs list with the illest whigga in Chicago David Drake for Complex to accompany their interview with Wavy DMX. Props to the illest Mongolian 2$hin for originally noting the similarities between Jesus & Judas and Max & Jim Jones, and props to me for comparing Max's lyrics on Porno Muzik to the erotic sonnets of renaissance poet Francesco Petrarca in a Complex list.

Read the list here!

For the road, here's another wholly subjective list of some other personal favourite Max B tracks that are crucial to the overall Wave God experience :

Byrdgang - Bury Me In My Gucci
Max B - Which Way Did He Go?
Purple City ft. Max B & Jim Jones - Nick Nack
Max B - Starz Is Back
Byrdgang - Sour Diesel
Max B & French Montana - It Gotta Be
Max B, Mel Matrix & Jim Jones - Anniversary
Max B - Live Comfortable
Max B ft. Al Pac - Let It Go
Jim Jones ft. Max B & "the fake Jay-Z n***a" - 2 Blocks
Max B - Lonely
Byrdgang - Life's Like A Movie
Max B ft. Mack Mustard - The Greatest
Stack Bundles ft. Jim Jones & Max B - Cold Rockin' It

Martorial elegance : Joe Blow edition

Shout outs to Joe Blow's shitty Chemical Baby Clothing CBC logo t-shirt looking like a cheap arse C-Bo tee where the print has partially crumbled off :

"Blow piece with the iciest wrist
Shout out to A.P for knockin' Ice-T bitch!
Everything is tailor made, you won't find these kicks
Stressed out tryna find time to dry these whips"

Joe Blow - Real Mob
(From Been Grindin' street album; 2013)


Not feeling the Ice-T dis here even though Coco isn't fit to wash Darlene's knickers, but file Real Mob alongside Cold Pimp as certified jams from Joe Blow's Been Grindin' album that I've been using as Jacka surrogates the past 6 months. Here's hoping Ampichino's new Da Krazies 2 album which I've yet to hear has some joints I can use as Jacka surrogates for the next 6 months.

Shout outs to Dommy P

Duuk got stripes in the game like Matt Hardy's JNCO jeans!

Lest we also forget that Julienne Shepherd's editor at SPIN Christopher Weingarten once claimed that if it weren't for Das Racist we'd all still be posting on UGHH.com and listening to either Jedi Mind Tricks or J.R Writer. If Shepherd helping Das Racist avoid sexual assault charges rates as a 10 on the terrible-things-you're-going-to-burn-in-Hell-for-o-meter, Weingarten's comment surely rates somewhere around 7.5.

Anyhoo, plz believe ya boy Harry G.R.O.D.T right chea is patiently waitin' on Dom's 100 Worst People On Twitter entries on John Doran and all white American Rap bloggaz during election month, b!

TPP's 50 Shades More Paid mix

Check out this mix by our man dem TPP Is The Reason. I can't co-sign every inclusion here (Migos still only have one good song and Versace isn't it; Young Thug sounds like a 2008 Youtube parody of Wayne to me, which is probably the point but not something I'd ever wanna listen to; and My Hoes They Do Drugs is up there with Bet That and Tadow as far as songs which have been totally ruined by Pusha-T go because he's still too stupid to realise he was only ever good at being nonchalantly slick over Neptunes beats), but TPP is pro'lly the only other person in this country who listens to ZMoney so it's all luv thug chaps and all of the above, I've recently come around to Type Of Way in a big way, and any mix which starts Err Damn Day by Travis Porter & Jeremih automatically gets two thumbs up from ya boy Derek Wamp Wampsley right chea :



rap mix july 2013

01. Travis Porter ft. Jeremih - Err Damn Day
02. Gucci Mane ft. 2 Chainz - Use Me
03. Alley Boy ft. Ty$ - RNGM
04. Lil Durk - Dis Ain't What U Want
05. Rocko ft. 2 Chainz & Future - U.O.E.N.O (Remix)
06. Future - No Love
07. Migos - Versace
08. Young Thug - 2 Cups Stuffed
09. King Louie ft. Juicy J & Pusha T - My Hoes They Do Drugs
10. Rich Homie Quan - Type Of Way
11. Young Scooter - Colombia
12. Kevin Gates - Paper Chasers
13. ZMoney ft Brickfare - Cocky
14. Doe B - Let Me Find Out
15. Rich Homie Quan - Differences
16. Starlito ft. Kevin Gates & Alley Boy - Long Haul

Fall back, Spotify!

Your listening recommendations might be deep in this game but you got the finer details of east coast Rap missin' :

Yes, you read that correct : Termanology has two - fucking two! - compilation albums called Cameo King! All those other-people's-songs that Term' the worm came through in his oversized fitted + 3/4 jhorts and then blessed with his track-transforming vocals obviously couldn't fit on one album.

Consider it not a failure, it was more of a practice

Don't really have any fresh takes on $tarlito at this point, nor have I changed my opinion that Don Trip should only ever be allowed to rhyme in the company of 'lito and Yo Gotti because he's far too irritating as a solo presence. Right now, I'm just pleased to have another entry into the canon of $tarlito songs which use the same samples as early noughties QB Thug-Rap :

$tarlito ft. Don Trip - No Rearview
(From Cold Turkey album; 2013)

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan

His days are numbered?

The exact moment when you fall out of love with your favourite Rap writer ever :


Quick reminder that 15 Minutes To 5 might be the most underrated song of 2013.

Generic list post

10 exclusive diamonds among the dross from very patchy DJ compilation albums full of posse tracks featuring Rappers who should share song time with each other :

Cam'Ron ft. Chinky Brown Eyes - Harlem
LL Cool J - Ill Bomb
Juvenile & B.G. - 187
B.G., Juvenile & Soulja Slim - Gotta Get It
8-Off - Adolf "8-Off" Agallar (Interlude)
Gang Starr - The Piece Maker
Travis Porter & Kirko Bangz - Real N*ggaz in the Building
AZ ft. Doo Wop - Gangsta Shit
Ghostface, AZ & Raekwon - See The Light
Three 6. Mafia ft. Lil' Wyte & Fraser Boy - Who Gives A Fuck Where You From?

You still ain't recoup!

That cool million bucks of Murdoch money G. Rap managed to talk Rawkus into giving him would have probably gone a long way if he didn't have to use 3/4 of it to pay back Cold Chillin' for the It's A Shame video budget!

Kool G. Rap - It's A Shame
(From 4, 5, 6 album; 1995)


The facial expressions the 'hoodrat and G. Rap share between 0:12 and 0:18 are bettered only by the legendary waving scene in Encino Man as far as 90's acting, editing, and cinematography goes, imo.

Das sexist

Lil' Durk's best song of 2013 is a barefaced Meek Mill pastiche, Chief Keef isn't even the new Arab let alone the second coming of Soulja Boy, and Lil' Reese is already finished and forgotten; Wasn't joking when I told y'all Katie Got Bandz was the most talented figure to emerge from Chicago's Drill scene in 2011, thus it should come as no surprise that she's the only artist from that movement whose music still has any spark and/or regional nuance in 2013.

"These bitches fake like Nicki ass
This is not a dis, guns big like Nicki ass"

Katie Got Bandz - Foolish
(From Drillary Clinton mixtape; 2013)


Which makes it all the more appalling that Brendan Soderberg brazenly snubbed Katie in the chick-Rappers 2 watch 4! epilogue of his recent hilarious Is 'Yeezus' the Tipping Point for Rap Misogyny? article. Katie not being mentioned in the piece wasn't a shock because Brendan is renowned for using his professional work to exact revenge on Rap bloggaz who've pwned him in the past at the expense of artists who might have some sort of loose connection to said Rap bloggaz, but to completely ignore a feminist-icon like Katie Got Bandz just because she's my boo and/or David Drake's IRL buddy is very bad form for a writer who prides himself as being the Rap Blog Game That Toadying Dude Who Constantly Posts The ‘Women Should Be Hips & Tits Not Skin & Bone’ JPG On Your Facebook Feed to comically overeager extremes of male guilt :


(As you'd expect, a 10 second Google search brings up countless links to the tagless version of U.O.E.N.O but, look ladies, Duckie here insists on dramatically letting you know that, even he helped brush sexual assualt allegations about Das Racist under the rug, he'd never pay for an MP3 of a song with lyrics about date-rape!)

Here at The Martorialist we have our own theory about Katie's no-show in the piece : it simply boils down to Brendan's mildly-racist tendencies extending to AZN Rappers as well as blk ppl like Mystikal. Soderberg is, after all, a guy who once described Jackie Chain as looking "nebulously ethnic"; to avoid confusing Brendan in future. perhaps Jackie could announce his arrival on songs with the sound of a gong and develop a trademark "no more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!" ad lib?

Brief thoughts on Shabba by A$AP Ferg & A$AP Rocky

Fair play to A$AP Ferg, he came into the game with the worst debut verse of all time on Get High and has somehow managed to get progressively worse ever since. Fair play to Yams too for still letting his boy Ferg get on the mic after he dropped the worst verse in the history of Rap with his cameo on that song with Gunplay on the A$AP Rocky album where he sounded like a parakeet with its tail set on fire.

A sincere apology to Joe Mo$e$

Please forgive me for ever considering your ass persona non grata or a tolerable distraction on TY$'s shit, mate! After suffering Beach House 2's array of inappropriate guests making nuisances of themselves on damn near every track I now realise that you're the only Rapper who should ever be allowed to grace TY$'s songs with your presence. (*1)

TY$ ft. Wiz Khalifa - I Bet
(From Beach House 2 mixtape; 2013)


Case in point, I Bet here, which is flawless for 2 minutes and 30 seconds before Starvin' Cameron turns up with a sleeprapped 16 to tell us he's so stoned he looks like an AZN for the bajillioneth time (*2). How much better would this song have been if it had Joe rhyming about twitching chocolate starfishes and pussy juice all up in his nostrils instead?

(*1) Wouldn't say no to another collaboration between TY$ and DJ Quik & Suga Free, obviously.

(*2) "Jumpin' out a caravan, eyes like a Chinaman" or GTFOH!