Great rap songs by caucasoids

Are you a 40-something white male from the UK or Germany who thinks Dr Dre became worthless after The World Class Wrecking Crew disbanded? Was seeing K-Klass live in 1990 the cultural highpoint of your life post-1987? Do you need a little corner of the internet to make "Black people can have the MOBO awards, so how come we'd be racist if we had the Music-Of-White-Origin awards?" threads of your very own which will receive completely straight-faced answers agreeing that, yeah, it's totally unfair? If so, step this way, gents, because Electroempire.com is your new manor.

Please understand that I'm not just saying this because I managed to blag an mp3 of the Aux 88 remix of Electronic Warfare by Underground Resistance from there, but maybe the aged ravers of Electro Empire do have the slightest quiver of a point on that third issue. The rap blogosphere is effectively 85 - 90% made up of a perpetual Who Is Most Sympatheic To The Plight Of The Black Man? pissing contest between self-loathing pilgrims who despise their own, so perhaps it's time to show some love to the poor whizzite rappers with their awkward Dan Ackroyd sounding voices and their laughable attempts at talking tuff.

Because we're all about equality here at The Martorialist, here's 10 great songs by my cracka-ass-crackas. Nothing by House Of Pain because they were shit and Everlast is the male Tarrie B, nothing by Cage because I don't have mp3s of 54 or either of the songs from the first Smut Peddlers 12" (Mighty Mi production > Necro production), nothing by El-P because he's a ginger who raps like John Barnes on World In Motion, nothing by Milkbone because Big L's ghost pretty much owns the rights to Keep It Real now, and nothing by Necro because I've never sacrificed any of my pets, except perhaps the stick insects I had in junior school who started eating each other when I put together them in the same bowl. Shit, I didn't know that was going to happen.

Beastie Boys - Posse In Effect



So, The D.O.C cruelly had his vocal chords crushed in his prime, DMC now sounds like a 93 year old cigar smoker and MCA ended up with throat cancer, yet Joe Budden quickly recovered from a polyp on his right lung? What sort of twisted world is this? Sen Dog must be absolutely bricking it right now. Anyway, you really shouldn't need me to explain the greatness of the Beasties from Cooky Puss to Paul's Boutique to you (they had their moments after, but they'd lost something in humour and bratty swag) when we have that clip from The Tube that Videothunder posted the other day.

R.A The Rugged Man - Stanley Kubrick



If there's a rule I live by when encountering fellow rap nerds it's : Never Trust Anyone Who Likes R.A's Crustified Dibbs Album, which is just the archetypal terrible unreleased album people sweat just because it's rare. R.A is the white rapper who was just godawful when he first came out (Cunt Renaissance aside, obviously) who suddenly got good and, with the exception of Yelawolf and the slight possibility of Bubba, the only one here still capable of making good music in 2010.

Bubba Sparxxx - Jimmy Mathis



Rap A&R's don't know what the fuck they're doing part 348765 : Interscope picking two dud singles in-a-row from Bubba's sophomore album with Back In The Mud and Deliverance despite the fact that it contained at least 3 potential monster hits in Jimmy Mathis (which even came out on 12", ffs), Like It Or Not with Sleepy Brown and Hootnanny with the Timberlake, all of which, I contend, would've blown up back in 2003 had his label released them as proper singles with videos instead. Speaking of Bubba 12"s, Disappear was an excellent Deliverance-era track which only made it to wax.

Eminem - Role Model



That Eminem and his multiple funny accents, eh? I suppose it's sorta impressive that he can rap in a flawless Pepe Le Pew tone, but I liked him best when he had that whole Puffy on the Dolly My Baby remix voice going on circa the Slim Shady EP/album.

T-Bo & Mike Da Hustla - #1 Headbusters



Anything I need to say about the O.G's of moonshine & rhinestones-rap, T-Bo & Mike Da Hustla, I already said in that plea for any No Limit era Curren$y post I made a couple of weeks ago.

Paul Wall ft. Big Pokey - Sittin' Sidewayz



Is there a more poignant symbol of racism being alive and well in modern America than The Peoples Champ ending up as the most solid album of the whole '05 Houston explosion ahead of the efforts by Slim Thug, Chamillionaire, and Mike Jones?

Edan - Emcees Smoke Crack remix



I wasn't really feeling much of his earlier '88-pastiche material or any his later "I've just bought the 2nd and 3rd Love LP's a copy of Nuggets!" Beauty And Beat era stuff, but the Emcees Smoke Crack remix is just a wonderful song that I can't imagine anyone else rapping over, and that's the litmus test to qualify as a peckerwood-rap classic.

Yelawolf - Pop The Trunk



So, Yelawolf is going for that whole Knockemstiff steez here, but I find it really difficult to take seriously when he's basically Ricardo from The Salon X the fauk-punk orientel floorsweeper from Miami Ink. That Trunk Muzik mixtape of his is a little overrated, but this is still a top 5 single of the year so far for me.

Young Black Teenagers - First True Love Affair



If YBT's first album didn't invite them enough ridicule, they only went and titled their second set Dead Enz Kidz Doin' Lifetime Bidz and spent its duration ripping off Naughty By Nature, Onyx, and House Of Pain. It's one good moment (and perhaps the only good song of their career) was First True Love Affair, which remains proof that flirtations with Disco can make literally anyone listenable.

Uninteresting rap fact of the day : YBT had a member called KamRon.

Goretex ft. Necro - DopeSick



What, you think I don't know that Goretex isn't white? Actually, I didn't until a friend pointed it out because all the Non Phixions members are interchangable tubby whiggas to me, but there's a rule we must observe on this one : if you're a member of Non Phixion and Necro produced most of your stuff, then you're white. I don't care if you're Idris "Driis" Elba or Clarence Seedorf, if you rap in a group with Ill Bill and the little one who nobody can ever remember the name of and Necro is responsible for most of your beats then you're a fucking saltine, son.

Pete Nice & Daddy Rich - Kick The Bobo



Only good Scarface pastiche in a rap video ever? It's certainly better than the Piggie & Buff intro to 2pac's 2 Of Amerikaz Most Wanted anyway. I wanted to end this post with Product Of The Environment by 3rd Bass, but Youtube only has the crap remix video, so Pete's solo Dre Day/Real Muthaphukkin' G's will have to do instead.

Berner - Well Connected



I initially didn't include anything by Berner on this because, even though I quite like him, I couldn't really think of anything by him which doesn't feature a Mob Figaz member or affiliate, but then Done mentioned him in the comment section and got me checking Youtube to see if he has got any solo stuff I like and I'm kinda feelin' Well Connected off his upcoming project with Messy Marv over the Dynasty intro sample now that I can't bring myself to ever listen to Jay-Z again. Oh wait, i forgot that Dipset freestyled over the Dynasty intro and are now the legal owners of that sample, so Berner loses this one. Sorry, pal.