It's so rowdy in the Rouge

"I said I hit da drink twice and then holla FREE COLE!
Bitch, I been up in that water like I'm Finding Nemo
Better get up out my space befo' you catch a Bebo
I'm so sick of love songs, I don't fuck with Ne-Yo"

Eatem - Hit Da Drank Twice (Martorialist edit)
(From t'internet; 2019)


Some Baton Rouge brawl music for the weekend, sir/ma'am? This new Eatem song had a cameo from some bloke called Lil' Larry who didn't act enough of a donkey on the track so I got Jack The Snipper to edit his verse out. Since that Stamina joint still ain't dropped, this is Eatem's best shit since Side N*gga.

Windows is shutting down

"Got 2 hoes when I roll, I'm on go, on tiptoes
I re-up and reload, get 3 hoes and lay low
I'm too cold, I'm G-Code
I'm Mac, you windows"

Mouse On Tha Track - Let Me In (Martorialist edit)
(From t'internet; 2018)


Cheers to Step Won, told you this shit would sound better as a Mouse On Tha Solo Track. When Mouse sez "I'm Mac, you Windows" it's fun to pretend that he's referencing the blood test scene in The Thing.

Thank Us Later

Tommy Robinson didn't do porridge just so some fooken' foreigner from Baggedmilkland could ruin that new Donae'o song with a verse of Poundland Drakeisms. Luckily Jack The Snipper was available to remove Fauxbrey's verse and now Chalice can be enjoyed the way Diana™ would've wanted to hear it, God bless her soul.

Donae'o - Chalice (No Canadian Rappers Please, We're British edit)
(From t'internet; 2018)


Can you believe Calvin Harris was behind the boards for this one? His first good production since Acceptable In The 80's or wot?

Step In The Arena

Jack The Snipper the man not the myth AKA DJ Step One. Three will forever be the magic number, so here's a trifecta of incredible and very crucial edits Step made on my behalf. Shout out to Shifty Shellshock, Doggy Dogg, and Billy Brown - we in this bitch!



Basically, Lil' Peep's best song minus the guest ponce with the lisp who sounds like he belongs hosting a Pitchfork podcast about K-Pop groups. Think Lil' Peep was just the Yank mallrat version of Milkavelli? No problemo, because this Girls edit works best if you envision it as a comeback single by the Butterfly band instead.



Lady Of Rage's Afro Puffs is a perfect song which didn't require any sort of alternate mix, but that extended version of the remix with Snoop's freestyle intro is way too good to waste on a track that's otherwise superfluous. Hence, I got Step to weld the intro together with the outro where Snoop extols Rage's virtues. The result? The 2nd best Snoop song not from Doggystyle.



The strip club scene in Buffalo '66 is one of cinema's most beautifully choregraphed fusions of music and moving image, but ain't naan a non-Prog Rock fan wanna listen to Yes' Heart Of The Sunrise once the tempo switches and the eunoch from Yorkshire starts singing. Step snipped that shit off at the exact moment the song pulls its okie-doke, binned the remaining 7 minutes of gentile flotsam & jetsam, and left us with an instrumental babel which spans time, space and titties.

Damn... look what the wind blew in

I got your favourite bloggers on my dick, some fruitflies from Austria talkin' shit, but ain't no need for me to call my clique because DJ Step One & ya boy Marty be too busy editing the 8 minute extended G-Funk remix Lady Of Rage's Afro Puffs with the Dr Dre intro & the Snoop freestyle down to a more digestible length. We've kept Rage's hook as a bridge between Snoop's verse and his outro monologue, but we've junked her verses so you can now spend those extra 4 minutes they took up listening to the vastly superior O.G Afro Puffs instead. Dr. Dre told us the remix was gonna hit 9.2 on the richter scale back in 1994 so this edit is a 9.9 by today's standards:

Death Row All Stars - Afro Puffs Freestyle G-Funk Remix (Step/Mart edit)
(From the internet; 2015)


When Dr. Dre rated the remix as a 9.2, did he anticipate Anthony Fantano's entire shtick by 18 years?

Watch for the hook

Some of Nef The Pharaoh's lil' homies gettin' in the Swag-Rap renaissance is an interesting idea but there's two main problems with I Look Fly by Trill Youngins. Firstly, how y'all gonna hop on the Trill bandwagon when y'all hail from northern California? Y'all should be called Mainey Youngins innit. Secondly, that hook is so good I end up twiddling my thumbs through the rapping just waiting for it to reappear.

I can't do nuttin' for ya, man, with regards to their choice of moniker, but I can get DJ Step One to edit the song down to its bare essentials on some Cool Breeze type shit. And that's exactly what we did:

Trill Youngins - I Look Fly (Martorialist edit)
(From the internet; 2015)

Cheerio, Chingo & Pancho

Chingo Bling ft. Willie P Keys & Pancho V - I Ain't Thinkin' Bout U
(From Masahouse 2 mixtape; 2015)


Whatta beat and whatta hook! That rappin' really gets in the way, though, so it's gotta go. I hit up Jack The Snipper DJ Step One again and he edited the song down to its bare essentials of Willie P Keys' hook x 3 for the good of all dance floors across the globe. Think of us as the Crooklyn Clan of functional Function music:

Willie P Keys - I Ain't Thinkin' Bout U (Martorialist Edit)
(From t'internet; 2015)


Don't ever think we ain't got love for Chingo Bling here at the Martorialist, mind; after all, what kinda person could ever dislike the rapper who almost justified Makonnen's whole existence with I Don't Sell Tamales No More?

With love

First time I heard Drop That Kitty by Ty Dolla $ign, Charli XCX & Tinashe, my reaction was "lmao what a trainwreck!" Then I heard Westwood using Charli XCX's hook in the mix and had to admit he was on to something. Then I saw the effect Westwood using the hook in the mix had on the female population at his last party up here and was forced to conclude that a 5/5 hook had found itself trapped in a 1.5/5 song.

Then I had an epiphany, yo - what if I were to ask Jack The Snipper AKA DJ Step One to perform song-saving surgery on Drop That Kitty by looping Charli XCX's opening hook 5 times and adding a vocal sample of one of Mrs Slocombe's double-entendre's about her pet cat from the classic British sitcom Are You Being Served? We hit up the Holby City operating theatre together and emerged victorious with the Carry On Ratchet equivalent of Davy DMX's One For The Treble:

$low Combez - Pussy Goin' Ham (Drop That Kitty Martorialist remix)
(From the internet; 2015)


On topic: if D-Block & Clinton Sparks could transform the Cheers theme into the best stick-up kid anthem since Ante Up on Take Everything You Got then just imagine what the Ghetto D-era Miller Brothers & Beats By The Pound could have done with the Are You Being Served? theme.