Thank you Based Noz

Ryan Hemsworth's current not-at-all-suspicious ubiquity across all the big media outlets and blogs might be a standard Wavery exercise in peddling yet another shitty 5th rate, 3rd generation Cloud-Rap Tumblr flunky buddy of theirs, but Jordan Sargent's recent SPIN article suggests the blame for Hemsworth's buzz lies in slightly more innocent hands. In much the same way that Klara Hitler inadvertently gave birth to a tyrant, it transpires that Noz is accidentally responsible for the career of some Canadian indie rawk dewd who sharts out Cloud-Rap remixes of Katy Perry songs for Yung Lean and Kitty Pryde to rhyme over:

Here at The Martorialist we think blaming Noz for the relative rise of some Costco Clams Casino with an added zany mash-up gimmick straight outta 2006 is a trifle unfair. But should Noz get denied access to Heaven when he eventually pitches up to the pearly gates then it's probably because Saint Peter takes a dim view on him unwittingly setting off a chain of events which led to the existence of 2013's worst piece of music writing. Still, as Hemsworth himself explains in one of the many too-amazing-to-be-actually-true-surely? quotables from the SPIN article, accidents do happen:

If anyone from the Wavery had ever actually heard a Rap record made before 2006 they'd realise Zach G is the only rapper from their brood with any sort of talent or credibility. Rare Birds is to Bubba Sparxxx's Jimmy Mathis as LL Cool J's I Need A Beat is to It's Yours by T-La Rock, imho.

Donal D's tweet had broke the glass!

Here's something I'm deeply ashamed to admit I never knew existed until a couple of days ago: a Slick Rick & Dana Dane version of Ice-T's Pimpin' Ain't Easy song over The Godfather's entrance theme from that late 90s WWE Rap compilation. I'm guessing this original version got shelved because the universe would've imploded if the Que to Slick Rick's Future had appeared on the same song as each other back then?

Slick Rick & Dana Dane ft. The Godfather - Pimpin' Ain't Easy
(From Vince's vaults; 1998)


Once more with feeling in case you didn't quite grasp the magnitude of this: there's a song where Slick Rick & Dana Dane both rhyme over the Godfather's WWE entrance theme which actually exists IRL and it's pretty good! The universe still hasn't imploded, but my brain is about to.

Ned Ratchet

You say It's Hot, I say Heal The World!
Click LIKE if u remember REAL Ratchet HIPHOP by former Ca$h Money artists!!!
I kid, I kid because I dig It's Hot (though it's weird seeing Turk as an adult and not dressed like a Hot Boy in his new videos), but never forget that Mannie Fresh made a great Ratchet joint with P.Lo & Jay Ant of HBK Gang last year which everybody ignored. Perhaps the song got slept on due to its ol' Band Aid soundin' ass title, but anyone expecting Talib Manni needn't have worried because Heal The World is closer to Mind Of Mannie Fresh than it is to Midge Ure, Marilyn & Francis Rossi, and the only similarity the song shares with Do They Know It's Xmas is that it slaps harder than Boy George during one of his S&M sessions with rentboys he's imprisoned against their will:

Mannie Fresh ft. Jay Ant - Heal The World
(From the internet; 2012)



Also never forget that Travis Porter & Kirko Bangz are the owners of best song over that amazing DJ Mustard beat which Mustard had previously sold to Soulja Boy AND E-40 on two separate occasions. There are very tenuous connections between Ca$h Money Records and Real N*ggas In The Building but they do exist: Ali from Travie kicks a Hot Boy$ flow at the end and Kirko Bangz once again proves that he's what Drake would have been if Drake wasn't from a country that's just so wholesome it can't do lust without coming off creepy. No offence to any Canadian readers but I'm not listening to Rap music by dudes who drink milk out of bags and who probably have an uncle named Jacques:

Travis Porter ft. Kirko Bangz - Real N*ggas In The Building
(From DJ Drama's Quality Street Music album; 2012)

Generic list post: MySpace edition

I'm gonna have to confess that I'm not on particularly intimate terms with the nu-MySpace because I've only stopped by the place a mere two times since its revamped relaunch earlier this year: the first visit was to see if Rich Homie Quan really does have music dating back to 2009 (he does!) and the second was when one of the lil' homies sent me a link to Brendan Soderberg's Juicy J listicle for the site all like "well, this is the official nail in the coffin for Three 6 Mafia's legacy, huh?"

But it's crucial to remember that MySpace was once a glorious Shangri-La for Rap music: it was the initial host for various lost minor-classic loosies by Prodigy, Young Bleed, Rakim, The Jacka, State Property, Crime Mob, Cam'Ron, N.O.R.E etc alongside original versions of ABN and Cormega songs which would later end up butchered by sample clearance; The Pack/Lil B, Soulja Boy, Mic Terror, Dude N Nem, Jackie Chain, Hot Stylz and The Cool Kidz/Sir Michael Rocks all first found fame on the site; and it was absolutely heaving with new music by Bay Area rappers between 2006 to 2009 when new music by Bay Area rappers was an absolute bastard to keep abreast of.

All that and Pimp C blessing the place with his pithy ruminations on "PUSSY ASS N*GGAZ", "PUSSY ASS RAP N*GGAZ" and "FUNKY BITCHIZ"! We were spoiled and such joys made it worth the effort of fending off daily friend requests from webcam girls, pyramid-scheme scammers, fat Burleque performers and shitty British indie bands who made Kasabian sound like Howlin' Wolf. Still unconvinced? Then behold this generic list of the 25 best Rap songs ya boy Tela Tequila right chea first heard on MySpace during its golden age of 2006 - 2008:

1. Young Bleed - Stamp On It (2006)
2. Jim Jones ft. Max B & Mel Matrix - Anniversary (2008)
3. Hot Stylz - Lookin' Ass N*gga (2007)
4. Prodigy - Raining Guns And Shanks (2007)
5. Pete Rock ft. Jim Jones & Max B - We Roll (2007)
6. Mic Terror - Juke Them Hoes (2007)
7. Rakim ft. Lil' Fame - I'm Back (2008)
8. The Jacka - Heavy Rain (2006)
9. Husalah - Live Life Illegal (2006)
10. Dude N Nem - Watch My Feet (2007)
11. Jackie Chain ft. Jhi Ali - Rollin' (2008)
12. Cam'Ron - Pass Da Dutchie (2008)
13. The Pack - Vans (2006)
14. ABN - Rain (O.G version) (2008)
15. State Property - Live In Effect (2008)
16. Big Tuck ft. Fat B - Not A Stain On Me (2008)
17. Messy Marv & Mitchy Slick - Diego To Da Bay (2007)
18. Soulja Boy ft. Arab - I Got Me Some BAPES (2006)
19. AZ ft. Papoose - Knowledge Is Freedom (2008)
20. Crime Mob - What Is Love? (2008)
21. Keak Da Sneak - P.I.M.P (2008)
22. N.O.R.E - Cocaine Cowboys (2007)
23. Cormega ft. Juelz Santana & Hell Rell - Stuntin' (O.G version) (2007)
24. The Cool Kidz - I'm Mikey (2007)
25. Black Rob - New York (2006)
(Yes, I'm riding for a song featuring Papoose because it's a surprisingly good cameo by his standards so I can just pretend it's another posthumous unreleased Half-A-Mill verse a la Cold Outside or somethin'.)

"I'm Chill Rob G-in' n*ggas: class is in session!"

Been goin' in on Agallah the Don Restaurant & Bistro's more recent catalogue this week parsing the gems from the germs, and it turns out my favourite choon from this autumnal period of his career is the intended intro for a project which has never been released in near-true Wrap Your Lips Around This fashion :

"Ruger or the flamethrower, bulletproof ya range rover
The champagne toaster, all my whips rollercoasters
Saturday night live, no John Travolta
Imagine me sittin' on the sofa kickin' it with Oprah
Lettin' her know this shit is real up in this G culture!"

Agallah - Rap Bobby Fischer
(From the aborted Million Dollar Hard Drive mixtape; 2010)


Agallah & Oprah! Rap Bobby Fischer sounds exactly how you'd expect a 2010 Agallah song to sound and features all the usual hostility, alliteration and ludicrous boasts you'd expect from an Agallah song of any vintage, so it slots nicely into his oeuvre as a direct descendant of the Adolf "8-Off" Agallah interlude from Tony Touch's first album. What really marks this out as a potential future Agallah classic is his [sic] reference to Chill Rob G's Court Is Now In Session; a namedropping faux-pas of Game-esque proportions which he just about gets away with since it came 3 years before Eminem made it kewl to shout out members of the Flavor Unit.

Agallah: 1, Aftermath: -0

Google doesn't care about blk ppl

When a novelty white Youtube rapper from Norway beloved of ironic AmeriKKKan racists is ranking higher on Google search than Yung Joc, Yungstar, Yung Whatshisname from WW3, Yung Nation and the plethora of other Yung rappers then you know that it's probably time to blow Rap music up and start an entire new genre.

Similarly, when Kitty Pryde is starring in the Pitchforkreviewsreviews Tumblr guy's biopic movie you know that American cinema is pretty much done as an artform.

Snap back!!!

Been waitin' on this one ever since I heard it on the Ballers Eve radio show back in september. Grip Plyaz has channeled the holy ghosts of D4L and Trap Squad a few times since Stuntman Mike (see: Let's Get To It, I Got What You Need, and Don't Give A Damn) but this might be his best stab yet at what Snap would've/could've/should've mutated into. As I may have mentioned yesterday, I haven't heard an ATLanta Rap song with a bassline as insane as this since Trap Squad's What's Happenin':

Grip Plyaz - Ray Lewis
(From t'internet; 2013)


As an ignorant British pig the song's theme is slightly confusing for me, doe: is Grip Plyaz Ray Lewis-ing in the club because he's dancing like Ray did or is it because he's gettin' away with murder in the club like, y'know, Ray also did?

Bonus Snap/sport related action: never forget the time Nigel Reo Coker did the Laffy Taffy at Highbury after he scored for West Ham against Arsenal in 2006. I sure haven't because it lost me a cool oner on an accumulator I had.

Night of the living basslines

Grip Plyaz is set to release his much-ballyhooed new single Ray Lewis tonight - good news for those of us who've been waitin' for a song outta ATL with a bassline that humongous since Trap Squad dropped What's Happenin' in 2006 (Fabo cameo version, natch). Alas GMT means I'll be tucked up in bed havin' Millionaire Dreamzzz by the time that shit drops, so Mouse On Tha Track's brand new single has got me covered until tomorrow. This is Gucci Mane's "drop racks, get it back, call that shit karma" ethos from Normal gone 2013 Baton Rogue Bounce.

"If you ballin' like you say you ballin', n*gga spend sumthin'!"

Mouse On Tha Track ft. Level - Get It Back
(From t'internet; 2013)