Tuesday, 5 March 2019

Leg over like Mike

A guide on how to navigate hearing Michael Jackson's music in public post-Leaving Neverland noncetroversy. Read on to find out if you can still do the Thriller zombie dance at your local pub's next Halloween party without fear of getting bottled.


* P.Y.T aside, anything up to Thriller is socially acceptable because Pop's #Problematic Fave™ probably wasn't fiddling kids at that point. Thus, you can still dance to owt from Off The Wall, and it's still okay to shake a leg to all the Jackson 5's choonz (except for ABC because it's now the most played-out bait DJ tune of all time.)

* Any of the good songs from Bad can still be enjoyed within the privacy of your own home, but you're on shaky ground enjoying them in public because the (Jonathan) King Of Pop™ was clearly a serial pederast by 1987. Note: if you do still bump anything from Bad for your own pleasure this means you can no longer watch The Lost Boys in good conscience because Jackson had already bummed Corey Feldman and Corey Haim by that point.

* Anything after Bad is 100% No Play Zone territory. Partially because Mickey Mars Bar Jackson was in raging nonce-mode by that point, but mainly because his post-80s music was utter shite. I'm not saying bad taste in music is a crime on a par with paedophilia, but anyone who actually enjoys Earth Song or We Are Not Alone probably deserves chemical castration.
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22 comments:

  1. Smell Rell5 March 2019 at 16:11

    But the Heavy D joint off "Dangerous" is pretty good!!

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  2. Anonymous5 March 2019 at 18:10

    Don’t disrespect “Remember The Time” (all time great new jack swing song), “Butterflies” (last great Michael Jackson single released while he was alive and written by a fellow Brit & r&b great Marsha Ambrosius) and “Love Never Felt So Good (the solo version because it was a demo from 1982)

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  3. Kelvin Mack10zie5 March 2019 at 18:31

    Remember The Time is okay, but the lyrics are proper noncey.

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  4. Anonymous5 March 2019 at 19:52

    After this might wanna edit out the Corey Feldman part https://www.instagram.com/p/Buo5LlmlKjg/?hl=en

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  5. Kelvin Mack10zie5 March 2019 at 23:30

    Obviously he doesn't wanna admit Jackson molested him innit.

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  6. James6 March 2019 at 12:48

    This reasoning means it's safe for me to enjoy 'Rock N Roll Part 2' by Gary Glitter

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  7. Adrian Molester6 March 2019 at 14:28

    Is accusing people of sexual assault the sixth element of hip hop now? Every week The martorialist is branding somebody a nonce or dredging up old songs or videos to take shots at known sex offenders.What next? you gonna burn down the home of that guy who released "World Ultimate?"

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  8. Kelvin Mack10zie6 March 2019 at 15:16

    Is TheCritIQ #TeamMJInnocent?

    I'm incredibly thankful there's a rapper called The Nonce, tbh. Never fails to make me chuckle.

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  9. john6 March 2019 at 16:36

    On one hand, I'm bummed I can't listen to "Man in the Mirror" from in my car anymore. On the other hand, I'm happy all those Neil Hamburger jokes are officially okay to laugh at now. Taketh and giveth.

    I bought a used copy of Chocolate Factory right before that Lifetime series aired and I still haven't had the stones to stick it in the old 6 disc. I don't know if I'm waiting til he goes to prison or what.

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  10. Kelvin Mack10zie6 March 2019 at 17:10

    I wanna know what's gonna happen to all the Moonwalker machines still sitting in grubby seaside arcades across the world if Jackon gets officially #cancelled?

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  11. Anonymous6 March 2019 at 17:20

    I don't know if Michael Jackson raped all those boys. I did hear that when he recruited the Coreys into NAMBLA though, he was sturring Charlie Sheen's porridge.

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  12. Mystikal R Kelly and Bill Cosby walk into a Michael Jackson bar6 March 2019 at 17:26

    Michael Jackson did not rape the Coreys. The last thing Michael would ever want to do would be to stir Charlie Sheen's porridge.

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  13. Kelvin Mack10zie6 March 2019 at 18:08

    ^^ 2 comments by the same person? Or has cosmic unconciousness got "stirring Charlie Sheen's porridge" on 2 people's minds at the same damn time?

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  14. Who's stirring Charlie Sheen's porridge now?6 March 2019 at 19:09

    Repeat post in error.

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  15. Kelvin Mack10zie6 March 2019 at 19:21

    Handy coincidence, though, because we were looking up shit celebrity tattoos in the pub last night and found this and this.

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  16. Amber Rudd is a racist7 March 2019 at 15:39

    After watching that Leaving Neverland doco, I will never be able to hear beyonce's "Cos if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it" lyric in the same way.

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  17. Kelvin Mack10zie7 March 2019 at 16:08

    Ain't gonna lie, I didn't actually bother watching it,

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  18. Anonymous8 March 2019 at 07:31

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3S0N20zxCU don't think this song is good but it was a pleasant surprise to hear Juvenile on the radio again.

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  19. john13 March 2019 at 15:49

    It's fitting that you posted a new Birdman song in a thread about music industry pedophiles. But you're right, always nice to hear Juvenile.

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  20. Anonymous17 March 2019 at 09:15

    how do u feel about r kelly's 'tp-2'

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  21. Kelvin Mack10zie17 March 2019 at 09:31

    I've never heard it.

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  22. David18 March 2019 at 08:26

    "Stranger in Moscow" is A+ later MJ imo

    TP-2 is probably R's best album

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