Ayo Rey

FYI, I only clicked play on this new Caskey single because I remember you stanning for Anxious last year. This shit is like some infernal spawn of Machine Gun Kelly & Ryan Hemsworth as A&R-ed by Yams circa 2011/2012, and yet I've just listened to it 5 times in a row, and I'm about to rip the audio to see how it holds up in the ride on a cold november night with the steady drizzle obscuring my view in the side mirror every time I try to stare myself down in it like I'm Rocky in his Lamborghini after Drago snuffed Apollo:

Dawg, when the sun go down
"It's street justice
My homies turn into dream crushers
The pastor leave us alone but the codeine touch us"

Caskey - Sun Goes Down
(From teh internet; 2014)

Generic list post: 10 songs by rap crews from the past 12 months that are empirically better than anything on this crappy new Migos 'tape

This is my own personal Truman Show
You are all actors working for Lyor Cohen on the 300 Entertainment payroll.
That's the only explanation which could possibly justify the ridiculous t'internet hyperbole surrounding this awful new Migos mixtape. Of course, this is no different than when ironic dickheads claimed No Label 2 was better than Illmatic, but at least that 'tape contained one bonafide classic which made you forget the multitude of sins spread across its other 24 dud songs. All this new Rich N*gga Timeline 'tape has is a couple of aiight songs and 17 sluggish tracks which make me think that Lyor's vision of sending them off to Sweden to record an album of bork-pop bangerz with Stargate and Benny & Björn from ABBA wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

If there was ever a group who need to adopt the current Rae Sremmurd business model of drip-feeding a single out every few months, it's Migos: these guys couldn't make a half-decent mixtape if their mansion's shared closet of rhinestone t-shirts & pleather high-tops with 7 different velcro straps instead of laces depended on it. R.I.P to Nate Dogg - I Got Love but I also had to Regulate. Thus, here's a generic list of 12 rap crew songs released in the past 12 months which empirically obliterate anything on this new shitty Migos 'tape into smithereens.

Migos ft. Young Thug - YRN (2013)
Rae Sremmurd - No Type (2014)
S.B.E - I Feel Like (2013)
Pushaz Ink - When I Was Gone (2014)
Young Money - Senile (2014)
Rich Gang - Freestyle (2014)
Sicko Mobb - Fiesta (2013)
Trill Fam - Pray For Me (2014)
HS87 - Grindin' My Whole Life (2014)
The 99 Percent - Shabooyah! (2014)

Len Good Mane

As an ageing rap fan, you eventually reach a certain point of no-return where you just can't feign interest in finding that 1 good song on the latest 20 track Migos mixtape this time around, and so you now find yourself contentedly zoning out to some new Too $hort shit which makes you feel like you're Antonio Banderas doing the Tango with Zoe from Casualty in the final of Strictly Come Dancing as Len, Darcey & Bruno throw roses at your feet and Craig reluctantly gives you a perfect 10/10 score.

Too $hort - Latina Love
(From 19,999 EP; 2014)


*EDIT* And then you have a moment of clarity where you suddenly realise the song this would sound best next to in a mix is, ironically, by Migos, so maybe you should check out that new mixtape after all in case there's any more Zapatista salsa-party anthems in the vein of YRN on there? Damn.

Just sayin', bruv # 9

Yup, it's another installment of unpopular opinions. As ever, think of this edition as little more than a repository for actual facts I've not been able to shoehorn into any other posts the past few months.

The only edit of Move That Dope that ever needs to exist is one which consists of the hook looped for a minute either side of Pharrell's verse.

Not gonna front like the chorus of All About The Money doesn't sound pretty damned good in the mix on Westwood, but Troy Ave needs to accept that he peaked two years ago with I Know Why You Mad and his legacy now depends on if he can fully commit to filling the void Hell Rell created as the accidental butt of everyone's best jokes.

The past 12 months have turned out to be a very fruitful period for great songs from the most unlikeliest of rappers and N.Y rappers who've been washed up for a decade: Fancy by Iggy Azalea; GDFR by Flo Rida; We Dem Boyz by Wiz Khalifa; the trilogy of No Option, Show Me and Body Language by Kid Ink; Drunk AF by B.o.B; Paradise by Big Sean; Save It For The Birds by Ben J of the New Boyz; Work The Middle and I Do My Thang by Lil' Debbie; Thriller by JuJu & Tragedy Khadafi; Nothing by Ma$e; 187 by M.O.P.

Considering it's modus operandi seems to be Tink Got Gunz, Try Me by Dej Loaf is one lifeless wet blanket soundin'-ass song.

Slim 400 & TeeFlii's Kno Where The Party @ needs a video so it can do for Slim what Ride Wit' Me did for RJ, and teach me how you're supposed to dance to it properly. I've tried everything from the Pee Wee Herman to the Mr Miyagi but I always end up tying myself up in knots because that beat makes me feel like I've got dissolving mushroom platforms under my feet and Koopa Troopas chasing me.

Until Gucci Mane gets out of the bing in 2016, Zaytoven should be contractually obliged to give his best beats to CoCo Kiss & her mates rather than let them end up in the clutches of some boring Trap 101 pudding like Young Scooter or someone whose voice sounds like a tom tit on a round of beef over his production like Young Dolph.

When a 35 year old Jewish novelty-rapper with a very dodgy penchant for girls of high school age dropped a certified 5/5 slap with Clyde Carson this past summer, even the Aryan Brotherhood were forced to admit that rap is the only genre of music that matters any more.

His music might be glorified-Fadercore rubbish, but Makkonnen does serve a purpose for all of us My So Called Life fans who've often idly wondered what Rickie would look like in 2014 if he'd spent the past 20 years pigging out on junk food.

What's today's mathematics?

Lil' Boosie ft. Lee Banks - Trouble
(From Life After DeathRow mixtape; 2014)


You'd almost think Trouble was a lost Boosie cut recorded at some point between For My Thugz in 2002 and Bad Azz Mixtape, Vol. 2 in 2007 if it weren't for Lee Banks' rapping about "Twitter gangstas" and the fact that the beat is a 2013 Lil' Snupe track with added harpsichord which make it sound like it's a Happy Perez production from Boosie's 2000 debut Youngest of da Camp.

Lil' Snupe ft. DJ Khaled - Take Over
(From R.N.I.C mixtape; 2013)

Generic list post: october 2014

DJ Spiral ft. Lauren Moran - Working Me Out
(From YouTube; 2013)


Round-up post of the songs I've been listening to during the month when it was discovered that Spiral from series 7 of Big Brother bodied the entire UK House revival with a single song.

Jay Ant - Ask YB (2014)
Puffy Dee - Joe Blow (1985)
DJ Quik ft. Cadillac Tweed & Suga Free - Broken Down (2014)
Vic Spencer ft. TREE - Profound (2013)
A-Wax - Bundle (2014)
Rich Gang - Flava (2014)
BeatKing & Gangsta Boo - Dirty Hoe (2014)
Legit Ballaz - Ride Slow (2006)
Wash ft. French Montana - Can't Trust Thots (2014)
Lil' Chris - Sick & Tired (2014)
T.I. ft. Boosie - Jet Fuel (2014)
Jae Murphy ft. Game, Eric Bellinger & Problem - You Playin' (This Could Be Us) (2014)
HD of Bearfaced ft. G-Dirty - Don't Like Me (2014)
Grip Plyaz - Flexin' (2014)
Fergie ft. YG - L.A Love (La La) remix (2014)

Had a minor epiphany with Don't Trust Thots after hearing it at one of Westwood's parties a couple of weeks back and decided it's not the Lidl-value Loyal but the Aldi-manuka honey-value Loyal: a cheapo version that's actually way tastier than the real thing. £4.29, y'all!

The FREE BANDMAN KEVO campaign starts here

Jeez, what's the world coming to when a man can't even fund his aspiring rap career with the proceeds of credit card fraud anymore? An anonymous FBI source we spoke to about the Bandman Kevo case estimates that Kevo spunked at least $300,000 of the $639,745 he stole on those hotels/cars/models he hired in Miami for the Baller In Me video:

Bandman Kevo - Baller In Me
(From Baller In Me single; 2014)


RiFF RaFF got away scot-free after swindling thousands of dollars out of countless naive MySpace rappers in return for graphic design work he never had any intention of fulfilling, yet Bandman Kevo gets bagged for conspiracy to commit bank fraud? Damn, AmeriKKKa. Devils get up offa Kevo and free that man so he can make more songs where he sounds like a constipated ZMoney straining to squeeze a rabbit's dropping-sized turd out of his blocked-up arsehole. The power of Sen Dog compels you!

*Predator handshake GIF*

~~> Props to Party Sparty AKA Gianluca Giallo! <~~

"N*ggas don't like me 'cause I move with finesse
'Cause I got that old Big Tymers up in my deck"

HD of Bearfaced ft. G-Dirty - Don't Like Me
(From the upcoming Team Guapele album; 2014)


I was like "me too!" True story, this beat is an unreleased Carl Craig remix of Messy Marv's It's Funk.