I was on the roads when Madonna made Crazy For You

There I was snuggled up to read Pitchfork's best 200 songs of the 80s list when inspiration struck: wouldn't it be way more fun to inflict my taste on the internet with a vanity list of my own favourite 80s singles than sift through a glorified advert for Apple full of blurbs by corny indie fux like Ian Cohen? Look, I don't rate that boy, bare wasteman, bare pagan boy, I'll come to your publication and I'll fuck shit up - I'm Alexis Petridis when he single-handedly sank Select magazine.

Got a couple of codes and lines to obey on this post: one song per artist and nothing by serial-pederast Michael Jackson. Say what you want about South Park Mexican, but at least he didn't bum a pre-teen Corey Feldman and then pay him off to keep schtum.


Favourite rap singles of the 80s:

Spoonie Gee - Love Rap (1980)
Treacherous Three - The Body Rock (1980)
Blondie - Rapture (1980)
Melle Mel & Duke Bootee - The Message (1982)
Trouble Funk - Pump Me Up (1982)
The Fearless Four - Rockin' It (1982)
Jimmy Spicer - Money (Dollar Bill Y'all) (1983)
Davy DMX - One For The Treble (1983)
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde - Gettin' Money (1983)
Jonzun Crew - Space Is The Place (1983)
Rammellzee vs. K-Rob - Beat Bop (1983)
Newcleus - Jam On It (1984)
Herbie Hancock ft. Grand Mixer D.ST - Rockit (1984)
World's Famous Supreme Team - Hey D.J (1984)
Cold Crush Brothers - Fresh, Fly, Wild, And Bold (1984)
Schoolly D - Saturday Night (1986)
Egyptian Lover - Freak-A-Holic (1986)
Roxanne Shanté ft. Biz Markie - The Def Fresh Crew (1986)
2 Live Crew - We Want Some Pussy (1986)
Salt-N-Pepa - Push It (1986)
Just Ice - Cold Gettin' Dumb (1987)
Eazy-E - The Boyz-N-The Hood (1987)
Cool C - Juice Crew Dis (1987)
LL Cool J - Go Cut Creator Go (1987)
Slick Rick - Children's Story (1988)
Too $hort - City Of Dope (1988)
Eric B. & Rakim - Follow The Leader (1988)
Ice-T - High Rollers (1988)
M.C La Kim aka Lakim Shabazz - We Got The Funk (1988)
EPMD - You Gots To Chill (1988)
N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton (1988)
Public Enemy - Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos (1988)
MC Lyte - Paper Thin (1988)
The 45 King - The 900 Number (1989)
Tone Loc - Wild Thing (1989)
Nice & Smooth - Early To Rise (1989)
Kool G Rap & DJ Polo - Road To The Riches (1989)
Mac Dre - Young Black Brotha (1989)
De La Soul ft. Native Tongues - Buddy (1989)
Beastie Boys - Hey Ladies (1989)
Favourite non-rap singles of the 80s:

Motorhead - Ace Of Spades (1980)
Mavis John - Use My Body (1980)
Roger Troutman - So Ruff So Tuff (1980)
Siouxsie & The Banshees - Happy House (1980)
Vanity 6 - Nasty Girl (1982)
Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie (1982)
ABC - Poison Arrow (1982)
Patrice Rushen - Forget Me Nots (1982)
Bananarama & Fun Boy Three - Really Sayin' Somethin' (1982)
ESG - Dance (1982)
Blancmange - Living On The Ceiling (1982)
Cybotron - Clear (1983)
The RAH Band - Messages From The Stars (1983)
Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart (1983)
Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized (1983)
Prince & The Revolution - When Doves Cry (1984)
Harold Faltermeyer - Axel F (1984)
Black Flag - Slip It In (1984)
Philip Bailey & Phil Collins - Easy Lover (1984)
Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait (1984)
Dennis Edwards ft. Siedah Garrett - Don't Look Any Further (1984)
Madonna - Into The Groove (1985)
Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out (1985)
Cherelle ft. Alexander O'Neal - Saturday Love (1985)
Dead Or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) (1985)
Virgo - Free Yourself (1986)
Peter Gabriel - Big Time (1986)
Janet Jackson - What Have You Done For Me Lately (1986)
Cameo - Candy (1986)
Tim Capello - I Still Believe (1987)
Frankie Knuckles ft. Jamie Principle - Baby Wants To Ride (1987)
Bomb Da Bass - Beat Dis (1987)
Terence Trent D'Arby - Sign Your Name (1987)
Guns N' Roses - It's So Easy (1987)
Bobby Brown - My Perogative (1988)
Danzig - Twist Of Cain (1988)
The Reynolds Girls - I'd Rather Jack (1989)
Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus (1989)
Soul II Soul - Back to Life (However Do You Want Me) (1989)
808 State - Pacific (1989)
Favourite B-sides of the 80s which should have been A-sides:

Billy Joel - Careless Talk (1983)
Run D.M.C - Sucker MC's (1983)
Whodini - Five Minutes Of Funk (1984)
Doug E. Fresh & MC Ricky D - La Di Da Di (1985)
Mr. Fingers - Can You Feel It? (1986)
Phuture - Your Only Friend (1987)
Audio Two - Top Billin' (1987)
Ultramagnetic MC's - Kool Keith Housing Things (1988)
Positive K ft. King Of Chill - Step Up Front (3 Heineken Technique) (1988)
Jungle Brothers - J. Beez Comin' Through (Bonus Beats) (1989)

Favourite album cuts of the 80s which should have been singles:

Kraftwerk - It's More Fun To Compute (1981)
Bad Brains - I (1982)
Sade - Cherry Pie (1984)
Boogie Down Productions - Remix For P Is Free (1987)
Big Daddy Kane ft. Biz Markie - Just Rhymin' With Biz (1988)
Stezo - Girl Trouble (1989)
3rd Bass - Monte Hall (1989)
Ghetto Boys - Gangster Of Love (1989)
Tuff Crew - Behold The Detonator (1989)
Special Ed - Taxing (1989)