Sunday, 1 August 2010

Greatest movie scenes ever # 29

Treal Lee & Prince Rick - Mr. Hit Dat Hoe

Did Oksana Grigorieva star in Mad Max and Lethal Weapon or direct Apocalypto? No, she didn't, so that's why we're fully paid up members of Team Mel here at The Martorialist. What we really respect about Mel, though, is the fact that he's so rich and powerful he can seemingly treat day-to-day life as little more than elevator musik which occurs inbetween getting blowjobs. It's the same philosophy our pal Lil B (he left a comment here once, you know) subscribes to, albeit on a much grander scale.

Lil B - Suck My Dick

But the adoration was curdled last week with Mel breaking the Bros-Before-Hoes code when he scoffed at the parenting skills of Oksana's previous baby-daddy Timothy Dalton AKA our favourite James Bond on account of the masterpiece that is Licence To Kill. You all know how the Timothy Dalton Bond story goes - audiences reared on Sean Connery and Roger Moore weren't ready for a non-traditional moody, broody Bond in the 80s so the movies flopped and MGM axed Dalton - but the reality is much more complex than that : Roger Moore's valedictory Bond movie A View To A Kill (dubbed Carry On Spying by Bond purists) was generally considered to be the Bond franchise's Jump The Shark moment, so the back-to-basics The Living Daylights was both a commercial (it outgrossed Die Hard and The Lost Boys) and critical success when it arrived in 1987, and Licence To Kill was generally well received by critics in 1989, with its poor showing at the box office now attributed a combination of budget constraints imposed on all the eighties Bond films after MGM overspent on Moonraker in 1979, a disaster of a marketing campaign due to a last minute name change (it was originally called Licence Revoked but the title confused some Americans at U.S test-screenings, though it remains unconfirmed that anyone thought the movie was going to be based on a plot where Bond loses his driving licence and relies on the two Coreys to ferry him around as he tries to impress Heather Graham), fanboy tantrums over it being the first Bond flick not to be based on an Ian Fleming novel, and a 15 rating due to it featuring the type of violence hitherto unseen in Bond movies.

Ah, yes, the violence. Audiences reared on the increasingly camp villains and action scenes from the Moore years just weren't ready for Argento style crimson splatter and a ruthless bastard like Franz Sanchez, a baddie loosely based on Pablo Escobar, Manuel Noriega, and Sosa from Scarface who made up for his lack of any sort of conventional Bond Villian gimmicky with a cold blooded streak worthy of eighties movie villain titans like Hans Gruber and Clarence Bloddicker. What other criminal mastermind in the Bond pantheon would've popped the balloon of a disloyal stooge with such creativity?

While Licence To Kill underperformed in America, it fared better across the rest of the globe and MGM bigwigs were so impressed by the movie that they wanted Dalton to sign on for at least two more outings as Bond. Unfortunately, a 6 year legal battle then ensued over who owned the rights to the James Bond character and our boy Timothy decided he couldn't hang around waiting forever and amicably relinquished the role in 1992. A damn shame because, Goldeneye aside, the Brosnan movies were so-so and the darker Daniel Craig rebirth of the series has been such a commercial and critical success that you'd think Craig invented Penicillin, the internet, and Nando's sweetcorn.

Bonus Licence To Kill action :

A 21 year old Benecio Del Toro, apparently the youngest actor to ever play a Bond bad guy, as Sanchez's henchman Dario. Easily the best line in the movie.


Sha Deezy said...

A masterpiece of a movie, I was trying to explain to some knuckleheads how this was the best Bond film a few weeks ago.

MF said...

Average chumps just don't appreciate Franz Sanchez.

dj said...

I have Dalton at second in my Bond rankings. Connery obviously wins, but I found Brosnan very vanilla, and to be honest, I didn't really enjoy the Craig films much. Trying to make hard edged intelligence films after Bourne is pretty much a waste of time, and Quantum of Solace in particular is incredibly short of content: there's basically about ten minutes of plot in there.

Licence to Kill is fantastic from start to finish: it took elements of the novel of Live and Let Die, starred Talisa Soto and the guy dies in the hyperbaric chamber.

The Living Daylights is pretty good as well, although the death of the general coming after the plane setpiece is a bit anticlimactic.

The biggest problem the series of films ever had was Roger Fucking Moore. He started fine with Live and Let Die and Golden Gun. The Spy Who Loved Me was great, and is one of the better films. After that, the films go rapidly downhill. Moonraker ruins Jaws with that fucking girl, and the space shuttle bullshit at the end is terrible. For Your Eyes Only is passable at best, and for some fucking reason Moore declines to fuck Lyn Holly Johnson and slips it to that old fucking scouser for no reason at all. Octopussy and View To A Kill are hands down the worst two Bond films (apart from Die Another Day perhaps). Dalton having to follow these two piles of shit deserves far more credit than he is ever given; if Moore had gone on for two more films, he could probably have killed the series.

MF said...

I quite like Octopussy, but probably more for them getting away with such a downright saucy title for a mainstream movie than for the actual movie itself.

Totally agree about the Daniel Craig movies, and the only saving graces of Quantum Of Solace for me were the desert hotel shoot-out at the end, and Olga Kurylenko, Gemma Arterton being such total foxes.

DJ, I was thinking that DJ's World Cup Blog could/should maybe expand into DJ'S 2010 And 2011 Football Season blog? You did a stellar job and it seems a pity not to continue.

Mr Bozack said...

Oi! I love Rog but I'm not sure why...think it might be suh'tin to do with Alan Partridge.

Yeh, dj, bring it on - you could do a Lamps appreciation section....

dj said...

I like Partridge as much as the next feller, but Moore was fucking terrible.

I'll consider the blog, although I'll struggle 'cos I ain't watching anymore ITV football.

I assume you're being sarcastic about Lampard's World Cup, although he was unlucky vs Germany, but his premier league form is nothing to joke about: he'll score 18 goals this year, at least three of them will be crucial, if they reach a final, he'll score, and he'll get to pick up a big shiny silver thing at the end of the year.

brad said...

sanchez..the best movie villain to ever wear a cardigan.

MF said...

I really want to say that Fat Frank will have an infinietly better season than Gerrard who'll decline even further with no Alonso to cover him and a Torres who's bound to be injured most of the season, but I don't want to jinx him again.

dj said...

I don't think Lampard has had a worse season than Gerrard since 2000-1 to be honest. I suppose 2008-9 Gerrard had a good year, but Lamps still scored the winner in the Cup final as Gerrard won nothing.

Mr Bozack said...

Fatty would struggle to get in the Gills 1st XI.

dj said...

Yes Bozack. He really would.

Has Jackson left Gillingham yet? I thought he was a shoe-in to go up to Elland Road to replace Beckford.

Mr Bozack said...

Isn't the real issue the paucity of talent available to England when someone like him's a shoe-in?

Jackson went to Naaaridge, we got Akinfenwa though... Saints'll piss "NPower" league 1...not really the place for this chat though is it - as MF said, do a fuckin blog (focussing mainly on leagues 1 and 2 though, obviously).

MF said...

I'm perfectly happy for you two to discuss the Gillingham starting 11 here (I'd turn the comment moderation function off but I get hit with at least 20 spam comments from fake-Nike sites a day) and I even don't mind you poo-pooing Fat Frank, Bozack, but, yeah, the DJ blog definately needs to happen.